Some time ago, there was a particularly gratifying news: "Dear" Zhang Yi played the prototype of Sun Haiyang's son - Sun Zhuo was found.
There is a key figure in Sun Zhuo's recovery, that is, Fu Jiantao, another child who was abducted at the same time.
But the story of this child is sad to hear, Fu Jiantao was also abducted when he was 4 years old, but he clearly remembers the scene where he was abducted, and understands that he has his own parents and mothers, but he has always guarded this memory in the "new home" carefully living.
When asked why he knew he had been abducted but hadn't thought about calling the police or running away, he said something particularly poignant: "I thought my mother had sold me."
Because he was very naughty when he was a child, his mother always told him, "If you don't obey anymore, you won't be wanted, and they will sell you."
It was such a sentence that made Fu Jiantao think that because he was not well-behaved, his mother really sold him, so he did not dare to tell the truth and chose to be a "well-behaved child" in the "new home".
A sentence that adults will say casually, let Fu Jiantao keep the secret of "abandonment" for 14 years.
We may never know what we really mean to our children.
Some mothers are the warm sun on the road of children's growth, but some mothers are the disaster of children falling in love and killing each other.
If you are also the following three kinds of mothers, I hope you can understand in time that love is not a bondage, not a sacrifice, nor an authority that overrides personality, love should be love what it is and grow together.
First, always talk about the conditions of the mother
Common sentence patterns:
"Don't cry, if you don't cry, I'll let you snack"
"Don't make trouble, make trouble mom and leave, don't want you"
"If you don't write your homework well, I won't take you out on weekends."
I know that in the process of raising children, there are too many inadequacies and too many powerlessness, in the face of a perpetual motion machine-like child, want to get a moment of respite, when we have to, we always say threatening words.
Disciplining children with these words is useful, but it can do more harm than you can imagine.
Just like Fu Jiantao in the opening chapter, children will take the words of adults seriously, and they will take them seriously for a long, long time.
Children make mistakes, but the purpose of discipline is to restrain behavior, not to make children bow their heads and compromise.
Parents can also be angry, but when they are angry again, they should not use love as a threat and kidnap their children with love.
For young children, the withdrawal of mother's love is a terrible thing.
This will make him very insecure, and this insecurity will make them willing to wrongfully humiliate themselves to please adults.
At the moment, it seems like a good thing that children don't continue to cause us trouble and don't work against us.
But don't forget, children who blindly please their parents at home will also please their classmates, colleagues, and lovers in the future.
He will think that only if he is desperately good to others and meets the needs of others, others will love me and recognize me.
I know that there is a high praise answer:
Children have determined from the beginning that the recognition of others is higher than their own needs, and they will continue to reduce their self-worth in the process of pandering to others.
Children who habitually please their parents are afraid and inferior in their bones.
Fear does not get the love of his parents, because he knows that willfulness, misconduct, misconduct, and trouble will make the love of parents withdraw or become thinner.
Because in his cognition, the love of others is conditional.
If you behave well, you can get it; if you don't perform well, I'm sorry, I don't deserve to be loved.
In fact, the root of conditional love is the blurring of the sense of boundaries, blurring the child's concept of "things" and "people".
If you don't like the child playing with water, you can directly say, I don't like you to play with water, the clothes are very troublesome to get wet, and it is easy to catch a cold; you can even take him away and let him cry, just don't compromise.
If your child's tantrums make you feel irritable, you can directly say that I don't like you yelling at me, which makes me feel particularly disrespected; I can even express your dissatisfaction harshly "don't yell at me".
We need to always let our children understand that "mom always loves you, just doesn't like your behavior."
I know it's hard to make a child obedient, but don't bully them into being weak, helpless, incompetent, and dependent on adults, just threaten him and manipulate him with conditional love.
Children are not only worthy of love when they are well-behaved. The more unruly he is, the more he lacks love.
Second, the mother who is overly sacrificed
How hard did I put into making you this meal, you are good, do not eat a bite, what do you want me to do?
How tired I am to take you out, and I have to look at you with so many things! Who doesn't know that lying down is comfortable, isn't it all for you? You're not obedient yet!
If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have had to work so hard and tired, and my white hair would have come out, could I save myself a snack!
If it weren't for you, I would have divorced your father a long time ago, would I have suffered this sin?
These seemingly "self-pitying and self-pitying" words, in fact, behind it is a deeper accusation and denial of the other party - let the other party feel sorry for you, produce a sense of guilt, let the other party see how much love they have paid, so as to obtain the equivalent or even more love.
In this way, we can "kidnap" the child, so as to achieve the purpose of "listening to us and following our wishes".
I have a friend who is close to home, but she doesn't have to come home.
"My mom has always been a person who lives for her husband and children, washing and cooking at home, and even washing fruits and putting them in the refrigerator. When I was at home, even the socks and underwear were always rummaged out to wash, and I didn't listen to anything.
He left us everything that was good in the house, not even the newly fried dishes, only the leftovers of the previous meal. Such selfless love makes me feel very uncomfortable.
And, once I showed that I didn't want to go home or "didn't appreciate it", she would wipe her tears and cry about how difficult it was.
Yes, I understand it, but I'm upset and want to run away.
Since I was a child, I have forced myself to understand things and not to cause trouble to my family. Every day I live in the torment of guilt, I can't accept it, I can't change it. I'm tired, I'm enough, really. ”
Many mothers like to use guilt to make their children "sensible", which does work, but it will also overwhelm the child, and even become a nightmare that the child cannot get rid of in his life.
Huang Zhizhong once shared the story of "Fish Head Mother" in "Strange Story":
In order to leave the fish meat to her son, the mother lied that she did not like to eat fish meat, only the head of the fish. In this way, she ate fish heads all her life, and only before she died did she say, "I don't like fish heads at all."
Huang Zhizhong said that when he was a child, he thought this mother was so great, but now he thinks that this son is too difficult.
The mother finally used a lifelong sense of sacrifice to let her son live in guilt for the rest of his life.
Educator Lu Jun said: The most useless way of education in the world is to lose your temper, be reasonable and deliberately move.
For children, it is better for parents to do less than to do it with grievances and complaints! (If you don't believe me, you can ask every child around you, even yourself when you were a child)
Now that I'm a parent, the roles are reversed, and I suddenly feel a little wronged, right? I sacrificed so much for him, am I wrong?
It's really wrong.
The child does not ask you to sacrifice for him, as a parent to give him life, to provide food, water, a safe living environment, the necessary education, from the level of responsibility, it is enough.
And children want to achieve basic health and happiness, and they don't need their parents to pay too much.
It was we, unsatisfactorily, who gave birth to more expectations, hoping that he would learn better, behave more decently, and have more strengths...
Our sacrifice is to pay for our expectations.
If you feel that raising children is very wronged, it is difficult to bring up children, what you should do is to lower your expectations.
Third, strong mothers
"I'm all for your own good, what do you little children know?"
"I said no, I just couldn't!"
"If you don't want to be good xxx today, I will definitely not let you XXX"
"No, no, no..."
Usually in a family where the role of the father is missing or the role of the father is marginalized, the mother will become more and more powerful.
Although the requirements for mothers in today's society are indeed getting higher and higher, it turns out that overly strong mothers are very detrimental to the growth of their children.
They are accustomed to taking care of their children's lives in every detail, but it is also easy to be very strict in all aspects of the invisible - what to wear every day, how much to eat, who to be friends with, what to do when they go home, what to do later, and to what extent everything is done, there are standards.
The American psychologist Baldwin once said: The attitude of mothers is dominant, interfering, and authoritarian, and children are prone to form a negative and rebellious personality.
The child is either domesticated, accustomed to obedience, obedience, and one day leaving the strong mother, he will also find a strong wife/husband, because the feeling of being controlled has become his comfort zone, and this "sense of fatalism" is the most terrible, dislike but have become accustomed.
Either the child will arouse a sense of rebellion and fight the mother in a more extreme way, even if it is not correct, even if both parties are injured by it.
In the recent hit "Female Psychologist", Jiang Jing, who is dependent on her mother for her life, understands the difficulty of her mother raising her alone, and at the same time cannot withstand her mother's desire to control.
So she chose to overeat and then induce vomiting to release her repressed emotions, and eventually suffered from binge eating.
"I never want to live the way you want me to be"
A mother who loves her child and gives everything she has pushes her child into a bigger abyss.
Don't blindly impose your will on the child, hurt the child in the name of love, our original intention is to let the child take fewer detours, but has been using strong love to make the child more and more distant from happiness.
"Love" is an instinct, and "knowing love" is an ability.
The love that needs to be exchanged is not love, what is kidnapped with a sense of sacrifice is not love, and the love that is under strong control is not love, they are only to meet the expectations of adults themselves.
Only the companionship of parents who are willing to pay time is love, the respect of squatting down to listen to their children is love, and the right way to solve them when they make a mistake is love.
This article | edited