"Because of my mother's words, I dare not go home"
Brushed a message in the morning, just a few days ago, Sun Haiyang followed Sun Zhuo back to Shenzhen, the family was finally reunited, Sun Zhuo's school was also found, they decided that they would not disclose the follow-up situation in the future.
The child was abducted for 14 years, and he looked for a full 14 years all over the world, and the encounter of Sun Haiyang, the prototype of the movie "Dear", was really heart-wrenching.
Remember the recent recognition ceremony, when netizens were still crying for Sun Haiyang's gaffe, but Sun Zhuo said that he wanted to stay with his "adoptive parents", the whole network did not know how many people accused the latter of "confessing to being a thief as a father".
In the end, Sun Zhuo still returned to his real home, and the matter had a happy ending.
After 14 years of searching for relatives, it is indeed a fortunate thing to be reunited.
However, there is another story that is more worth sharing with everyone as a parent.
In the year that Sun Zhuo was abducted, there was a 4-year-old child who was also 4 years old, and he was abducted to Shandong by the same person as him, that is, Fu Jiantao.
It was also Fu Jiantao who provided important clues to the police after retrieving his relatives to find Sun Zhuo.
Unlike Sun Zhuo, who is ignorant and treats the buyer as his biological parent, Fu Jiantao remembers his own parents, and he knows very well that the buyer is not his real parent or mother.
It took so many years for him to come home for a poignant reason, he said: "I remember my mother once said to me, 'If you don't obey anymore, I won't want you, sell you.'" ”
When he was naughty when he was a child, he was often reprimanded by his mother, and after being abducted to another place, he thought that he was really not obedient, so he was "sold" to others, he was frightened, but he did not know that his mother had been looking for him for 14 years like crazy.
Such a yin and yang mistake is really sighing.
And his experience also gives us a wake-up call: pay attention to everything you say to your child, the child will only take them all seriously.
The seemingly illusory "sense of security" is shattered by this sentence of "jokes" and "angry words".
How do you destroy your child's sense of security with your own hands?
What is security?
The concept of "psychological nutrition" proposed by Satya psychologist Dr. Lin Wencai.
Lin Wencai believes that in the process of growing up, a child not only needs material nutrition satisfaction, but also needs sufficient psychological nutrition psychologically in order to thrive.
And the psychological nutrition that children need, one of which is the "sense of security".
This is a subjective psychological need, which makes people feel at ease and have a feeling of dependence, which is mainly manifested as the "attachment relationship" between parents and children.
The most destructive to security is the following behavior:
1. Ignore the needs of children
Needs are divided into material and psychological.
In today's families, all kinds of material conditions can basically be met, but psychological needs are not necessarily necessary.
For example, if a child wants a certain toy or a certain snack, he or she will not turn a blind eye or directly veto it;
Or when the child plays with blocks and Lego, the parents feel chaotic and insist that the child use another way to build...
It's not that all needs must be met mindlessly, but at least let the child say what he thinks, showing respect for "I see your needs", rather than making the child feel that "my needs are unimportant" and destroying his sense of value.
As for whether it is adopted, it depends on the subsequent communication.
2. Conditional love
"Take you to McDonald's when you get to the first place in the whole grade"
"Paint this picture and give you candy to eat"
These common words are typical of "conditional love."
In the eyes of children, it is that parents sometimes attach great importance to themselves (such as in learning), and sometimes they ignore them.
Such a hot and cold treatment will only make the child's heart go up and down, and it is impossible to determine whether the parents really care about themselves.
3. The relationship between husband and wife is not harmonious
Hellinger, the founder of the family system arrangement, said: "The perfection of the whole family can create the perfection of the individual." ”
A family full of contradictions, conflicts, and even brokenness can be said to have devastating effects on children.
Therefore, even if it is a quarrel, do not argue in front of the child, let alone pull the child to fight with the other half.
4. Intimidation and even abuse of children
For example, when Fu Jiantao's mother "reprimanded" him above, she said: "If you don't obey, you won't be wanted, and you will be sold."
There are also such as "waste", "pig head", "trash can picked up", "if you don't behave well, let the police uncle arrest you", "If you can't do well this time, don't come back to see me"...
Domestic violence, as well as these verbal threats and intimidation to children, will be an indelible scar on the child's soul, which is the shadow that makes them worry about being abandoned all the time.
How is the "psychological umbilical cord" established?
What all these behaviors have in common, in the final analysis, is that children "lose trust"—lose trust in others, in the world.
The inner world of these children is unstable, always worried that their parents will leave and lose love.
The level of children's trust and desire to explore the world depends on good interaction with parents.
Probably many parents have heard of this experiment.
Some experts found a pair of parents and children, first let the mother and the child laugh and play, and the young children are very happy under this interaction.
Then, the expert asked the mother to look at the child with a calm face and motionless.
At first, the child feels a little strange and will make various movements in an attempt to get the mother's attention and response.
After many attempts, the child visibly became uneasy, and when they found that their mother was still, they all broke down and cried.
When a person feels most secure, it is actually in the mother's belly.
When babies leave the womb, lose the connection between their umbilical cords, and are in a strange world, they begin to feel uneasy.
Therefore, from birth, babies need the love and response of mom and dad all the time, as a "psychological umbilical cord", that is:
breastfeeding,
Parental hugs and touches,
Thirsty have water to drink, hungry have milk to eat,
Bowels and bladders can be cleaned up in time...
When children need them, they do their best to meet all their needs, and treat them as "life-important" behaviors, which is to help children build their initial trust in the world.
They sensed that my feelings were being seen and that I was safe here.
So as to get enough security.
As the Swiss psychologist Verena Castor wrote in Overcoming Anxiety:
"We believe that it is important to show love and attention to babies within 6 months so that babies feel comfortable and develop well.
If the child is disturbed and noisy because he receives too little attention, the close object is always unable to give proper comfort, which will weaken the child's initial confidence, which is the basis for forming a sufficiently stable sense of self-worth. ”
Let children feel that the world is full of love and understanding, and they have the courage to face the tests of future life.
Reassure your child that they can "go home" at any time
Yoko, who is not outstanding in appearance and slightly fat in stature, can be said to be in line with the mainstream aesthetic, but she has unexpectedly attracted the love of many audiences.
Why?
Because she exudes a "confident" glow.
She has said that she wants to find a beautiful actress to grab a big hand, and although she is "not beautiful, but this is the only one, out of print." ”
Freud said: "I have found that people who think they are liked or favored by their mothers will show confidence in themselves in life, unshakable optimism, often appear heroic, and always achieve real success." ”
The reason why Yoko Hotaru is so calm and confident is closely related to her family environment:
Parental love, family harmony, whether done well or badly, you can go home at any time...
She has enough security because she knows her parents are behind her back and silently supports her.
As the famous British psychoanalyst Winnicott said: "The child must confirm that he can go home at any time before he can move forward with peace of mind." ”
At any time, giving children the sense of security that they can "go home" at any time is more important than material conditions.
What insights do you have after reading it?