The reasons why ex-boyfriends are reluctant to reconcile cannot be generalized.
To put it simply, based on my years of experience, men can be divided into two orientations:
One is rational, as long as you are his girlfriend, he will try to be good to you;
The other is sensuality, where as long as he likes you, he will try to be nice to you.
Why are you obviously getting better, but your ex-boyfriend is still unwilling to reconcile?
If he is rational, you become better or he is not willing to consider reconciliation, because the direction of change is not accurate, or the intensity of change is not strong enough;
If he is emotional because your change has not made him rekindle his feelings for you, and he still does not love you, there is naturally no reason to reconcile.
There are also many men who are both rational and emotional in their feelings, and there will always be one who has the upper hand and becomes the main factor affecting his feelings and perceptions of compounding. This article is just a brief summary of the basic idea of salvaging these two types.
The method of judging whether a man is rational or emotional in his feelings is particularly simple:
Rationality tends to care about the future of two people, and sensibility tends to care about the present.
The starting point for maintaining relationships is different, his thinking patterns permeate all aspects of getting along, and the priorities he says when communicating are different from those who consider problems.
1, rational direction - responsibility type
Many girls get along with this type of man and will doubt whether the other party really loves themselves, as if he just loves the identity of his girlfriend, who is his girlfriend. The rational man can be called the responsibility type, premised on being responsible for both parties, as long as your relationship is still there, he will take on the responsibility of the boyfriend.
But it is also because he needs to take responsibility, and he thinks that you have no future, is not willing to continue to be responsible, does not want to do useless work, and accelerates his decision to break up.
He will break up because the problem between two people cannot be solved, and even if he still has feelings for you, he will rationally disconnect from you. After the breakup, he will not take the initiative to remove you from the block, and even has a certain guilt for you, willing to take care of and make up for you to the greatest extent.
Therefore, when this kind of man finds that you are not suitable and some things he cannot accept, he will definitely find an opportunity to put forward opinions and dissatisfaction with you, hoping to solve the problem together. If there is no opinion and dissatisfaction, it is most likely because when you are together, you take the things he cares about too seriously, he thinks it is impossible to mediate, and it is useless to say it.
Normally, he communicated with you before and after the breakup, which is why he separated from you. If you adjust in the direction he provides, it still doesn't work, there are generally three reasons:
He doesn't trust you very much and needs to keep watching
The degree of change did not live up to his expectations
He is limited by his ability to express himself and his ability to perceive himself, and he is unable to accurately say the problems between you
According to my experience accumulated over the years, in general, if you have exposed a lot of personality problems in the process of getting along with him before, then there is a high probability that your communication skills are not enough, and he is not willing to reconcile at this time, which is related to "he stands in his own perspective and has not really seen your effective communication".
Specific problems must be analyzed on a case-by-case basis. In the process of adjusting, the following behaviors will interfere with his perception of you:
Emotional, unstable
The purpose of the compound is too obvious, and he will think that you are deliberately presenting a good look in order to reconcile
It just changed a certain appearance (behavior), and it is basically the same as before
To save this type of man, find the key to the problem, and adjust in the right direction.
2, sensual orientation - true love type
The sensual man can be called the true love type, which is mainly based on the emotional concentration between you, does not love you, and even if he is still in a relationship, he is not willing to play the role of boyfriend. This leads to a high probability that before you break up, he will most likely start chilling you, unwilling to spend more time with you, and unwilling to give and provide value for you.
When the problem cannot be solved, as long as there are still feelings, you can insist, as long as there are feelings, you are willing to accept and tolerate your shortcomings. But once he doesn't love you anymore, no matter how much you say, he doesn't love you either.
Many girls who fall in love with emotional men will be confused: "When he was with me, he obviously said that he liked me, how could he suddenly mind that I was not good or bad?" ”
On the one hand, they do overestimate their abilities, thinking that love can overcome everything, and wait until the feelings are almost worn out, only to realize that there is really an inappropriate saying; on the other hand, when he has the idea of breaking up, everything can become a reason to break up, and you see that you are not happy anywhere.
Some people will honestly admit that "I don't love you anymore", but some people will start to pick your faults and find reasons to break up with you. At this time, you go to change and adjust yourself, and the reason why you still can't get it back is:
A. The emotional concentration is not enough when mentioning the compound
B. The reason he proposes for the breakup is not necessarily the root cause
C. Your entanglement has been bringing him negative emotions
Most girls think that they can correct the problem when they are redeemed. In fact, if he loves you, he will have the motivation to solve the problem, and what you really need to pay attention to in the process of getting along is how to avoid small frictions and trivial things that lead to the wear and tear of feelings.
In general, in both cases, the other person goes from loving (willing to maintain the relationship) to not loving (unwilling to maintain the relationship), and both go through a process of negative emotional accumulation. When you are willing to maintain a relationship, you see that your strengths are more than your shortcomings; when you are unwilling to maintain a relationship, you see that your shortcomings are more than your strengths.
1. People who have saved their rational orientation must have substantial improvement and change
For a rational person, as long as he really feels your changes and adjustments, even if his feelings for you have been almost the same when they last broke up, he will still seriously consider the possibility of reconciliation.
So for most redeemers, how to consider the needs from the perspective of the other party has become a crucial matter. You can't speculate on each other's ideas according to your own framework, but you must truly integrate into each other's life plan and implement it into all aspects of reality.
Many girls are easily moved by themselves in this process. For example, suppressing your emotions for the sake of the ex, thinking that the other party did not go to him, you think that you pay and accommodate for him, in fact, this is the separation of two people and the return to the position of non-lovers.
Don't change yourself for the sake of the other person, he won't be touched by you and won't pay for your change. You change for yourself and make yourself a better person.
He proposes to break up usually because there is a problem with getting along that causes him to think you won't get to the end. As long as you have a real adjustment kernel, the recovery process naturally shows your emotional stability and personality charm, he will naturally be attracted to you.
2, to save the emotional direction of the person, improve the emotional concentration is the right solution
Someone may ask: "He doesn't love me anymore, no matter how good I am, he doesn't love me, how can I be reconciled?" ”
That's right, he was able to be with you before, which shows that you have qualities that attract him. These qualities that attract him will not disappear because of your breakup, but will only be temporarily covered up by something else. If he can fall in love with you once for some reason, he will definitely fall in love with you a second time.
For the emotional person, as long as you continue to provide positive emotions in the process of redemption to promote the relationship, feel in place, even if you have not changed, he will hold a fluke mentality, thinking that you can overcome the next difficulties together and be willing to reconcile.
So the focus of redemption is [good feelings], and what your change and ascension needs to overcome is that the shortcomings that mask your attractiveness interfere with the redemption.
Think about what he liked about you at the beginning, what you were like, how you got along with him, and what he's like now. Am I not confident enough? Is it too accommodating in front of him? No more feelings than before?
Only by regaining his feelings and attraction will he love you again and reconcile with you.
When you adjust yourself, how to judge whether the timing of the compound is a good time?
This problem is very simple, the feeling of love should not be unfamiliar, if you want to find each other compound, more feel a kind of tension and anxiety, afraid of being rejected by the other party, rather than a happy feeling, then you go to the other party will be rejected by the other party.
Feelings are mutual. You feel good, it means that the other party has sent you a good signal, you are not sure, then the other party to send you the signal, is by no means a signal to be able to reconcile.
There is no need to make it so heavy, and the [redemption] bar, always remember, most people fall in love for fun, unhappy is out of the original intention.
Psychological test: Test the sentence your ex most wants to say to you
1. Do you argue over small things when you're together?
Yes, I often feel tired —2
Rarely quarrel over small things—2
Occasionally, but soon reconciled —3
2. Do you think you are a person who likes to self-reflect and is willing to correct mistakes?
Yes —3
Not —4
3. Will he or she take the initiative to tell you his troubles?
It is often said that -5
Not much to say —4
4. Would you tell your parents about the process of your relationship?
Everything is too big or small, and I often complain to my parents -6
Occasionally they ask and say —5
Hardly to say, nothing to say —5
5. Faced with what you want, how much energy are you willing to put into acquiring it?
Everything follows fate, and it is mine in the end--7
Try hard, maybe you can succeed - 6
Do my best, I want to get --B
6. Did you break up because of a third party?
Yes—A
No —7
7. Did the other party take the initiative to contact you after the breakup?
Yes—D
No—C