Haruki Murakami said: A person's greatest success is to live out oneself.
In life, we often see children face a choice, often say a sentence is: "I don't know what I want myself, what do I want to choose?" ”
Even adults who live to be in their thirties still have such confusion.
Many people live far away from themselves, and their relationship with them is like a stranger.
A child grows into an adult, and some children know themselves little by little, understand themselves, and explore their own paths.
And some children, in the process of improper parenting by their parents, constantly ignore themselves, hide their true selves, and finally lose their real selves a little bit.
And this wrong way of parenting is still unconsciously passed down from generation to generation.
01
This kind of parenting is keeping the child away from himself
When a child loses his temper, the parents will say "Don't get angry, you do it again, mom is angry!" ”
The mother can be angry, but the child cannot.
What kind of person will a person who is not allowed to be angry from childhood become when they become adults?
We often see people who argue with others in the face. The other party said, don't be so angry, but he said, I'm not angry, I just talk louder.
How can a man know himself without even knowing his own emotions?
When a child is sad, adults often reassure him, "It's okay, don't be sad."
When adults say this, is the child really not sad?
We often tell the boys in the family not to cry, not to be sad.
When he grows into a man, will he still allow himself to be sad? Can he admit that he is sad? Does he really know himself?
When the child did not dare to slide down the high slide, he timidly said: "Mom, I am afraid".
Mom would say, "What's there to be afraid of?" You see the other kids are down, it's all right. ”
Or "Don't be afraid, you have to believe in yourself, you can."
But as soon as these words are spoken, the child is even more distant from himself.
How can a person who cannot accept his fear believe in himself?
Parents' casual and comforting words are intended to make their children better and stronger. But unconsciously, let the child get farther and farther away from his heart and become more afraid.
Because children are taught, fear represents weakness, anger is not accepted, sadness is bad.
And erasing one's feelings and emotions is the beginning of erasing one's true self.
02
Do you really allow your child to choose freely?
Once at the entrance of the mall, I saw such a scene:
The mom asked her daughter, "What do you want to eat today?" This time let you choose what you eat mom buys you. "
The daughter's eyes revealed a hint of surprise, and she immediately turned to happiness and excitement.
"Can I really choose for myself?" Re-affirmed by her mother, she began to think about what she wanted to eat.
But I thought about it for a long time and didn't come up with it.
(Free will is like a bird, when locked up for a long time, it can't fly, the daughter rarely makes decisions, and when the choice falls into her own hands, she is a little overwhelmed.) ）
Finally the daughter remembered what to eat, and she said excitedly, "Mom, I thought of it, I want to eat fried chicken thighs." "
Mom's face immediately cooled, "Are you sure you really want to eat this?" "Didn't your mother tell you that fried things are unhealthy, do you want to choose again?"
The daughter immediately accepted her mother's advice and began to rack her brains again, and her second answer was, "I want to eat ice cream." ”
Mom said impatiently: "Lunch, not a snack, to eat a full meal." ”
The daughter said with some helplessness: "Mother or you decide!" ”
Is this mom really letting the kids make their own choices?
Should the child believe in himself, or should he believe in his mother's face?
A child's thoughts and opinions are often childish and irrational in the eyes of adults, so we always want to suggest him, suppress him, correct him, so that he can make the "right" choice according to his own will.
But these "right choices" have taught children one thing – not to believe in themselves.
A person who does not believe in himself on the inside can only follow the standards of the outside, the evaluation of others, and go with the flow.
Many people are tired of living not because of how tired life is, but because they are always living against their will.
There is a saying: there is freedom to choose, there is a choice to be interested, interested to be willing to work hard, hard work to achieve, achievement to have self-confidence, self-confidence to have happiness.
As parents, we must love our child deeply and want him to live happily, so we must remember that the first premise of happiness is to give him freedom.
Let him choose according to his own free will, and all the good will automatically open.
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