Parent-child relationship is a deep fate in life, a love without complaint, and a long journey of heart and wisdom.
At a family education seminar, a senior parent of the First Affiliated High School of Central China Normal University shared three short stories, "About Speaking", "About Grades" and "About Making Mistakes", and she discussed her own educational experiences.
Many parents said that they were greatly inspired, and Xiaobian shared it with you today, hoping that parents can get some inspiration from it.
"Life is very long, why panic"
Xie Chunlin
Parents are a profession, although there is no pre-job training, but they must resolutely go to work; although there is no professional education, but can be on-the-job training; although they can not resign, but can retire.
The education of children is a never-ending and never precise process.
Children are like high-speed trains, although parents and teachers have been careful, but derailment phenomenon still occurs from time to time. How to calmly cope with various sudden changes is a compulsory course for parents and children to study.
Family education and school education complement each other to promote children's adulthood.
The family is the first school in life, and the parent is the child's first teacher.
The so-called tutoring is nothing more than the spiritual and emotional seeds that parents plant in their children's hearts, and these seeds grow with us.
In some families, parents sow love, respect, and independence; in others, fear, burden, or guilt are sown.
I'm going to share three short stories with you. The themes of the story are "About Talking", "About Grades" and "About Making Mistakes".
01
We're not trying to stop kids from making mistakes
It's about learning not to lose your temper
When I was studying, my mom always felt that I was inferior to the sister of the neighbor:
I don't have her who can do housework, I don't have her to be well-behaved and sensible, I don't have her to talk about hygiene, I don't even have her good looks.
Originally, I had a good relationship with my neighbor's sister, but my mother kept praising her in my ear for hating me, and gradually I couldn't treat her with a normal heart, and I began to deliberately reduce my contact with her.
Countless times when I was compared, countless times when I made mistakes and was scolded or beaten by my mother, I doubted in my heart whether I was my mother's own child. At its worst, I didn't talk to my mom for a whole month. Once, I was standing by the pond and my thoughts were all gray.
After I was admitted to college, my mother's attitude towards me changed. Many years have passed, and the trepidation of being compared and scolded as a child is still nailed to the heart, and I often sweat my back when I dream back in the middle of the night.
But when I mentioned this experience to my mother, she didn't remember it at all, but said lightly: "Isn't it all for your own good?" ”
Other people's children seem to be the "heart meat" of their parents. Panbi makes parents become extremely anxious, losing patience and increasingly liking to lose their temper.
We don't believe in our children's ability to correct mistakes, and we always worry about our children taking detours. In today's increasingly competitive world, we are often overwhelmed by the pressures of life, work and children's learning.
Grumpy parents often treat their dearest people as emotional garbage cans, dumping their emotional garbage day after day.
People who love to lose their temper often refuse to admit their problems, believing that it is the mistakes of others that cause their emotions to get out of control.
But a person's inability to manage emotions effectively is actually due to a lack of communication skills and problem-solving skills.
Bad temper is also easy to inherit, because children who grow up in bad tempers can easily learn to "vent emotions and copy violence", but it is difficult to learn to communicate effectively and face positively.
It took me nearly 20 years to understand that we parents are not trying to stop our children from making mistakes, but to learn not to lose their temper.
02
We have to learn to change ourselves
Silently guard, waiting for the flowers to bloom
My daughter's previous studies in high school, although there were ups and downs, were generally not too worrying and worrying.
Entering the first year of high school, the first midterm exam was the first in the class. This achievement made me and my father sad for a long time, and for a long time we did not dare to go to the staff canteen to eat.
After that, the daughter worked harder than before. Try to follow the teacher's explanation during the class, and after the class, I also take the initiative to go to the teacher's office to solve my doubts, and I also seize the time to brush up on the weekend.
Once I heard my daughter say:
"Sometimes I meditate on a physics problem that I can't solve for 5 minutes, and my table mate gives the answer in five seconds. Mom, do you know what that feels like? ”
I fully understood her helplessness and helplessness. I couldn't give her more than understanding and love. Afraid of the pressure on my daughter, my father and I set the final exam goal as the fifth to last in the class.
But the reality is that the daughter has progressed from the first to last in the class to the second to the bottom. Compared to my daughter's poor science grades, we are more distressed by her efforts.
Despite the objections of others, I calmly persuaded my daughter to transfer to the liberal arts. Baba said worriedly, "What if she can't read the liberal arts well?" I calmly replied, "In case the liberal arts are not well read, it is better to lower the goal."
In fact, who discussed with her when she gave birth to a baby, "Will you be the first to go to school in the future?" Can't pass the test Wow? Then I don't want to be born. ”
We must recognize that raising children is to participate in the growth of a life.
In this way of getting along with children, what we have to do is to learn to practice and change ourselves, silently guard, and wait for the flowers to bloom.
When we are full of wisdom and strength, the child is naturally affected by us, and the daughter's current academic performance is gradually rising in her efforts, and the total score of the exam has gradually improved to the top four in the class.
But wait for the flowers to bloom, not leave it alone.
Be good to children with excellent grades, because most excellent children have gone far, and you are now worth cherishing every day with her; be good to children with average grades, because they will be around us in the future, will accompany us for the holidays, will accompany us for the New Year.
Instead of setting a distant goal for the child, it is better to encourage the child to be a happy ordinary person.
03
Life is long, don't panic
You haven't grown up, I'm going to take responsibility
Before my daughter entered the third year of high school, I made an agreement with her: after a year of study in the third year of high school, you can read books or watch TV, but stay away from mobile phones.
In the first half of the month, my daughter did a good job, reading books every day. Half a month later, she started watching TV.
After that, she said that going home at night to eat was a waste of time, and it was better to stay at school and brush up on the problem. This idea made my baby dad and I very happy. In order to show his love and support for her, his father volunteered to go home every afternoon to get food and send it to school on time, on the one hand, to help his daughter save time, on the other hand, to ensure her nutrition. This lasted about half a month.
Once, the baby father had an affair, hurriedly brought dinner to the office, and before leaving, he told his daughter to finish eating and seize the time to brush math problems. The daughter obediently agreed.
About an hour later, Papa returned to the office early. The daughter was lying on the table doing the problem, and everything seemed to be normal. However, when the baby father went to pour water, he was surprised to find that there was a mobile phone charger that he had not used on the socket, and his heart was hairy, questioning his daughter, and found the mobile phone that he had put at home in her daughter's pocket...
This isn't the first time my daughter has used our trust in her to hide from us. When my daughter was young, she liked to read books, often taking advantage of my lack of attention, not writing homework to secretly read books, and when she was about to sleep, she panicked and rushed to catch up with her homework. Later, I liked to play with the computer, and secretly played with the computer when I was not at home or busy with work. Later, with her mobile phone, she played all kinds of tricks.
We have been wandering in a dead cycle of "trusting – being failed – criticizing education – converging for a while". Although my father and I kept telling her that losing trust was a disaster, we always couldn't bear to punish her because she admitted her mistakes and had a good attitude.
This time, my father and I were bitterly determined and decided that no matter how our daughter repented and how she behaved, we would punish her and would never be merciful.
So I wrote a long letter to my daughter, telling her of the importance of following the rules and the principle that violations of them would be punishable.
In the letter, I said:
Character, like a deposit in a bank, is a little less every time it is used. Even sometimes, like food without shelf life, as long as it is opened and destroyed, it can no longer be sealed and retained.
You lack the most basic treasure and cherishing for trust and character.
You trample on your own image in our hearts. Because you know: We love you and will eventually forgive you.
We do love you very, very much. Even if you are useless, you can't stop making us love you.
But daughter, our love can only protect you until the graduation of the third year of high school. If you go to college or go to work, if you trample on the rules at will and lose the trust of others, you will have no friends, no lovers, no jobs, only us who are dying of old age.
Instead of telling you what's wrong, they just punish you or punish you in their own way. If there is a day when Mom and Dad will lament today's dereliction of duty: not teaching you to follow the rules at home, and telling you that "the rules are in your heart, not on the wall and not on the paper."
My father and I solemnly decided: in the coming month, we will cancel the convenience of sending her to school in the morning and at noon, and cancel the convenience of my father delivering food to school in the evening. In addition to this, a 3,000-word check must be written.
In addition to the above punishment, at home, I still treated her as always, neither cold nor violent nor scolding.
Although my daughter was a little uncomfortable, she was lucky, thinking that as long as she got excellent results in the next senior high school examination, we would forgive her.
My dad and I guessed her thoughts, but we didn't move. Three days later, her daughter's starting score came out, and although she only scored 98 points in mathematics, she still ranked fifth in the class.
One night, my daughter said to me,
"Mom, I didn't do well in math, everything else is OK."
I solemnly told her that in this exam, she was the first in the grade, and she scored a perfect score, and we would not end her punishment early, because these are two different things, and the grades must not be exchanged with morality.
The penalty persisted for a month.
Many times, seeing our daughter busy before going out in the morning, and seeing her walking in the hot sun at noon, we were also a little unbearable and struggled with ourselves.
But after the daughter talked to her, she accepted the punishment calmly. In her studies, she has worked harder than before; in life, she has become more sensible than before. The biggest change is that she is willing to be open and honest with us.
Finally, in the midterm exam, the daughter's overall score, class ranking and grade ranking have improved significantly.
A good parent is not to create a sterile environment for her child, but to let her learn to grow herself in a complex environment.
Good habits are not achieved overnight, but must be repeatedly polished.
A good child should not have two ears and not hear anything out of the window, and should only read the books of the sages, but his heart should be like a mirror table, and he should always be diligent.
Life is long, don't panic.
You haven't grown up, I'm going to take responsibility.
With this article,
Encourage parents!
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