In the latest issue of the variety show "The Boy Who Opened His Heart", there came a family of athletes, and his mother Zhang Lin is a swimming coach and an active athlete in the national underwater hockey.
Her mother's life plan for her 12-year-old son Wei Guoguo is to win the Olympic champion in swimming, so Wei Guoguo began to learn to swim at the age of 6 and has been studying for 6 years.
From a professional point of view, Mama Wei Guoguo is very suitable for swimming, and now 2 hours in the morning and 3 hours in the afternoon are used to train the length of 10,000 meters of swimming, and there is never a day off.
Such high-intensity training made Wei Guo very resistant, but his mother never understood him, directly let him stand under the hot sun in shorts for 2 hours, and did not allow him to move.
His mother would also give Wei Guoguo additional training tasks, he said that he was very tired and did not want to train again, his mother asked him without hesitation: "How can you participate in the competition if you don't train?" ”
Then his mother pulled Wei Guoguo to the kitchen and asked him to burn all the swimming equipment, he did not dare to burn, and his mother took scissors to start cutting swimming trunks, and also asked Wei Guoguo to pack up his things and go to his grandparents' house.
Because my mother said with a straight face: "This home is for the champion!" "What a suffocating scene! In order to force her son to swim, the mother was so cold and ruthless!
Is it that the mother is a professional athlete who can plan her son's life so strongly and demand that her son must become a world champion in the future?
Alfred Adler, founder of the Austrian School of Individual Psychology, said that everyone has their own destiny.
Parents have their own destiny, and children have their own destiny. Everyone is responsible for their own fate, and everyone can only be responsible for their own fate.
Although children come to this world through their parents, each child is an independent individual, and parents have no right to plan their children's lives in their entirety.
【1】
The life planned by the parents is not the life of the child.
In the program, the host Deng Yaping asked Wei Guoguo: "Have you ever thought about what kind of person you want to become in the future?" He replied simply, "No." ”
Deng Yaping then asked, "Then have you ever thought about what kind of championship you will win?" Wei Guoguo still shook his head and said no, which made Deng Yaping feel very surprised, which was completely different from her mother's plan!
Professor Ding Yanqing, the guest, couldn't help but ask Wei Guoguo: "What does what you are doing now mean to you?" Wei Guoguo calmly replied, "It is to help my mother complete her dream!" ”
At this time, the mother's face only has an embarrassed look, I don't know if she can wake up, her wishful thinking for her son's life, in the son's view is to help the mother complete the dream, not her own life!
Many parents, like the mothers of Wei countries, in order to let their children have a perfect life, from the birth of the child, they have planned a "perfect" life path for their children, requiring that the child must follow this road.
However, a life that has not been chosen by the child is not only not the child's life, but it is more likely that the child will become more and more confused in the process of growing up, because the child does not know where his future is.
In a letter to his daughter, financial writer Wu Xiaobo wrote that one year he was lecturing at Sichuan University, and a female student asked him: "Teacher Wu, how should I choose a career?" ”
The girl was studying for a doctorate in physics, but she didn't know what career to choose, which made Wu Xiaobo very confused, so she asked the girl: "Why did you study physics, and you also read a doctorate?" ”
The girl replied that her parents had let her read physics, and Wu Xiaobo asked her again: "What do you like?" The girl replied directly: "I don't know!" ”
Psychologist Li Xue once said: "A body can only bear one soul, if the parents' control is airtight, the child has actually died mentally." ”
Parents plan their children's lives, in fact, they forcibly control the child's soul, and the final result will lead to the child's self being weakened, or even completely losing his spiritual world.
【2】
Parents are asked to give their children's lives back.
Psychoanalytic psychologist Eric Fromm said: "As long as it is someone I love, I should accept him as he is, not ask him to be the way I want him to be." ”
Parents are the people who love their children the most, and they should rightfully accept their children, return their children's lives to the children themselves, and let the children live out what they want according to their own wishes.
First, respect your child's life choices.
In a program of "Teenagers Say", Zhang Zihan, a high school boy, is about to face the division of arts and sciences, and he feels that he wants to choose liberal arts with his liberal arts results, but his parents insist that he choose science.
Even though Zhang Zihan's liberal arts grades were much better than those in science, her mother still firmly opposed it, and under the guidance of the host, Zhang Zihan said that she would plan the future career direction of the liberal arts in detail.
At this time, the mother's attitude has eased, and there is no longer a sword between mother and child, in fact, parents really should not deny the child's choice so strongly, because that is the way the child will go in the future.
Education scholar Yin Jianli said that the way one life expresses love for another life should first be respect, not transformation.
Children are people with independent thoughts, how the road of life should go, it should be decided by the child, the first thing parents have to do is respect, only in this way can the child's future go more firmly.
Second, guide the child to plan for life.
Deng Yaping, as a "table tennis Grand Slam winner", has a 15-year-old son, and her son once wanted to become a professional e-sports player, Deng Yaping did not stop it, but encouraged her son to become a world champion in e-sports.
In order to help her son realize his dream, Deng Yaping learned to play games while visiting the top e-sports clubs in China to understand the training and rest of e-sports players.
When her son knew that e-sports players had to train for 12 hours a day, he was a little withdrawn, and Deng Yaping let her son understand the difference between hobbies and career development, so that his son could plan for the future more clearly.
The era in which children live has been greatly different from the era when parents grew up, and parents should use the vision of development to help their children plan for the future and find the direction that their children are willing to work for in the future.
As "Positive Discipline" says, never do what he can do for your child. We can't adapt to society for our children, we can't endure the trials he would have had to go through for him.
【3】
It is the duty of parents to applaud their children's lives.
Wu Xiaobo said in this letter that after graduating from junior high school, his daughter went to Vancouver to attend high school, and won the first prize in mathematics in the final exam, which made him and his wife very happy and looked forward to her daughter being admitted to a prestigious university.
However, the daughter suddenly said that she wanted to be a singer in the future, as a father who has been dealing with data for many years and relies on rational analysis to eat, Wu Xiaobo reminded her daughter that after two years, her grades are 70% sure and she can apply to the world's top 100 universities.
But becoming a singer, because talent and luck are too much to do with each other, the probability of becoming a second-rate singer in the future is only 10%, and Wu Xiaobo asked her daughter to think about this.
The daughter's eyes did not wander a little, she said: "I don't want to be famous, I just like it." Wu Xiaobo saw the light in her daughter's eyes and approved her choice from her heart.
Wu Xiaobo said: "Like is the premise of all efforts. Only if you really like it, you will invest in it, and you will not complain about these investments, whether it is time, energy or feelings. ”
Now Wu Xiaobo's daughter is trying to learn vocal music, dance, composition and instruments, although she walks into the piano room every morning and can only come out in the afternoon, her body is as tired as a scattered rack, but her daughter is indeed happy.
Immanuel Kant, the founder of German classical philosophy, said: "I respect any independent soul, although there are some that I do not recognize, but I can understand as much as possible." ”
When the child runs on the life track of his choice, the parents will stand next to the child and applaud the child, so that the child understands that as long as he works hard, the future must be expected.
Because, that's the child's life, that's the way he wants to go!