The mother of a 10-year-old communicated with me, and when she talked about her son, her eyes were full of depression.
She said that she loves her son very much, gives the best, never wants to let the child be a little wronged, buy the best clothes, toys, supplies for the child, and take the child to the most expensive tutoring class. But in fact, her financial ability is only average, but she is very generous in terms of children's food and clothing.
However, when the son grew older, he began to dislike his parents.
Disgusted with parents, feel that they are so old, and say this and that.
Dislike the old-fashioned concept of parents, and do not accept their own practices.
He will not listen to the criticism of his parents, and will even yell at his parents.
This mother felt that her own efforts, how could she have to come to such a result? This is a 10-year-old!
Listening to her mother's account, it is clear that she may have gone to a misunderstanding in educating her children.
Sure enough, when it comes to the education of her children, the mother's approach is strong, in her eyes, she has to pay so much, she should control everything about her children.
All the actions of this child must be approved by her, and when to learn at home, when to watch TV, when to play, must be at her request.
For children, she believes that parents are authoritative, can not be wrong, encounter their own problems, but will scold children.
For the child's learning, always all kinds of dissatisfaction, the child did not test 100 points, is where did not do a good job, home must be a stink, she to the child, always all kinds of criticism, rarely praise, because she feels, the child can not boast, a praise on the heavens.
In the final analysis, the child's current performance is a kind of resistance, and its root cause comes from the parents' practice and education of him.
I told her that when children are young, like grades 1-3, we parents always hate children. Sometimes it is said that children are stupid, and sometimes children are disliked for not having to work... When the child is older, we may be rejected.
This reminds us that in communicating with children, we cannot blindly use the authority of our parents, with accusations and criticisms, to constantly hit the children, so that we must rebel, and if the children give up resistance, the result is worse, because he accepts the parents' views and admits that he should be rejected.
So, when you are rejected, don't complain, think about how we do it?
At the same time, we should pay attention to the fact that there is a very important psychological concept, that is, projection.
Projection means that we put our inner thoughts and feelings into the surrounding environment, like a mirror, reflecting our own thoughts.
There is a joke that old Lee was overtaken by a big ben, and the other party shouted at him, "Brother, have you ever driven a big run?" Old Li angrily slammed on the accelerator to overtake the car, and after a while, he ran and overtook him, and the man also shouted at him, "Brother, have you ever driven a big run?" This time, Old Lee also reacted by slamming on the accelerator to overtake. Da Ben continued to catch up, and the man shouted this, who knew that just after he said it, he crashed into the side of the road. Old Li ran over with some schadenfreude, and the man said with a dying breath, "Brother, have you ever driven a big run?" I asked, how do I step on the brakes? ”
Because Old Li was always ridiculed, when he heard the words of the other party, he would project the impression of this mocker to the other party, and only then did he have such a feeling.
We often have this practice in our lives.
Incompetent parents often feel inferior because of incompetence and use this inferiority to speak of their children.
Introverted parents often use this projection to educate their children and make them equally introverted.
And a child's dislike of his parents is often affected by the projection of his parents' dislike of himself, in other words, there is the abandonment of his parents before the child's dislike.
So, is there any way to solve it?
1. Parents' Association
Give the child back the sense of accomplishment, so that the child can find responsibility in the sense of accomplishment. Children have the instinct to protect the weak, show weakness, will not be ridiculed by children, will only be protected by children.
Showing weakness means that giving up the stage for growth to children, children's progress, must have the most prominent performance in the center of the stage.
Strengthening the "ability" of parents is to weaken the "line" of children, and the withdrawal of parents is the opportunity for children to appear.
2, let the child learn to empathize
Let him stand at the height of his parents, in order to understand the feelings of his parents, "the adopter knows the grace of his parents", the role has changed, the height is different, the consideration and feeling are different, empathy, and understanding of parents is not easy.
But is empathy easy? Many parents can't do it themselves, let alone their children.
Empathy must come from an act, a kind of thinking.
That is, empathy, compassion. When a child has these two mindsets, he will learn to think differently.
A child, love weak animals, sympathize with the children who are criticized, we should all encourage and support, such a child, empathy ability will be easy to have.
3, parents themselves to grow
Continuous learning, keep pace with the times, and adapt to the needs of the development of the times can understand the dynamics of children's thoughts and keep up with the beat of the times.
Growth comes from this understanding:
In terms of educating children, I don't understand too much, and I need to learn the growth rules of children;
Education itself is a two-way growth process, and it is the children who give us the opportunity to progress and grow;
Children's education has a "validity period", and I want to cherish such a time;
Through the growth of the child, I will gain more and my life will be more complete.
4. Change critical education to positive education
Life is not satisfactory, nine times out of ten, what the world lacks is warm words, warm embraces, and supportive hearts.
Many parents believe that deliberately criticizing children can improve their children's ability to resist setbacks, but children do not lack setbacks, what they lack is the support of their parents.
When children come to their parents, what they want most is temperature and comfort.
A cold, but at the same time always hit the child's mother, the child is afraid and love, this contradiction will make him do not know what to do.
To improve the child's ability to resist setbacks, we should give the child love and encouragement, so that he can have the warmth of affection in the cold of life and be able to resist the cold air around him.
If there is a positive temperature, it also makes the child a warm person, and this projection will make us more and better.
As long as there is one of the above understandings, we begin to change.
In fact, change is not so difficult, but we always want to be in place in one step, from ordinary parents directly to excellent parents, digging too deep a pit for ourselves, too demanding.
Lower the requirements, starting from one thing, one sentence, one action, there is change, is progress!
Ting Dad, the 9-year-old daughter's grandfather, the creator of the high-quality parenting field, the family education instructor, the uncle after the 70s, the parenting and education masters who love and think, welcome to pay attention, forward, like and comment, more parenting and education issues can communicate with me. Make parenting easier and education more effective