Some time ago, the girlfriend party was really the kind of pure girlfriend party that dumped the baby to the teammates.
It's so cool! Hahahaha.
However, after the party, I was unanimously labeled "indifferent". The reason is that when the mother's party is always inevitable to talk about the child.
Everyone invariably showed a little bit of guilt. Because before going out, every child asked the mother, can I not go out? Can you stay and play with me?
And each of us rejected the child, although it was cool when we went out, but now that we look back, the guilt is suddenly born.
When they were all "devastated," I was out of place.
But in fact, she was once the mother who was most afraid of "hurting" her child's heart. It's just that I'm out now, and I'm talking to you today, two stories, and it's also my mental journey.
1
Nothing inside
Children will not experience anything
The first story was taught to me by my professional experience.
At that time, I did not dare to refuse Little D's request, even though I had been up in the middle of the night for several consecutive nights to take care of her, and the next day if she wanted me to play with her, I always forced my spirit to agree.
And I often feel guilty, when does this guilt occur?
For example, when I refuse Little D to snack before dinner; when I tell her she can't play now and needs to finish online lessons first; when I tell her that Mom needs to go to work, she needs to go to school, and we are briefly separated.
Very often, even if I do what I think is right, I will still be angry about my "rejection", feel that I have hurt the child's heart, and feel that my rejection has "offended" the child.
Is that the same with you? Anyway, this thing bothered me for a long time.
The first opportunity to open my heart was when I felt guilty about rejecting Little D again, and I quipped to myself, "Oh, I was a good old man in the workplace, and now I'm a good old man in my mother."
It was this sentence that suddenly "woke me up".
When I first entered the workplace, it was difficult for me to say no to my colleagues, and even if I refused, this feeling of guilt would accompany me for a long time. At that time, one of my major self-improvement directions was to learn to say no.
My workplace mentor has asked me, why am I afraid of rejection? The answer I told him was that I felt that rejecting others was hurting others.
The mentor was surprised, he said he was ready I would say that after refusing there will be guilt or fear of retaliation, I did not expect my answer to be like this.
Following this topic, the mentor told me that the reason why I have such a cognition reflects to a certain extent that I am "not separated" from my original family.
I should not dare to reject my parents, and this pattern of relationship interaction makes me think that I and everyone should be like this.
I was not married at that time, and I didn't understand what he said, but it did help me introduce a new perspective, that is, rejecting others and not harming others.
Only when our hearts are weak and we feel that others reject us and we will be hurt, then we will be so substituted.
My first step at that time was to start with a simple thing to refuse, from a colleague who had a good relationship in the workplace, and from a mentor.
My first change, which you can't imagine at all, began by rejecting the courier brother's request. In the past, as long as the courier called me, even if I couldn't leave, I would immediately put down everything on my hands and go to pick up the courier.
That time I told him, I really can't leave now, can I help send it up? As a result, he actually sent it.
Later, I rejected my colleague and told her that I was busy with a PowerPoint PPT and would certainly not be able to answer her question this afternoon, but tomorrow morning we could have an appointment to talk.
As a result, colleagues also understand that I don't need to change my rhythm.
Thinking back to this scene in the workplace, I suddenly found that I could do this to reject Little D.
Later, every time I wanted to reject Little D, I would do this three-step process.
1. Reasons for refusal
The need to acknowledge that your needs are important, "Mom is tired";
Reiterate the important rule awareness, "Even if you are very sad, you can't eat sugar before meals, this is the house rule that was told to you before";
2. Give alternatives
Give a win-win strategy, "This is good, we don't bother each other for 30 minutes, after 30 minutes have passed, mom will play with you";
Given when it could be made, "We'll save this candy and eat it at three o'clock in the afternoon snack time."
3. Tell yourself
Finally, and crucially, we need to constantly remind ourselves that our children are not weak.
Although she will cry because of our rejection, facing the gap in real life is a key step in independent growth.
There is nothing in our hearts, the child will not experience anything, and the more our hearts are afraid of something, the more the child will be able to perceive something.
2
Then you just have to do it
The second story was taught to me by Little D.
The above self-cultivation, I have been practicing intermittently since I was a child 3 years old. Don't think that I write it very easily, in fact, it has been repeated, which is a spiral progress.
This is the same as the road to taking off the good old man in the workplace. But the only certainty is that this kind of cultivation is worth it, and I can feel a stronger sense of strength in my heart, and I can also feel the sense of certainty of the parent-child relationship.
This year I entered Douyin, adding video shooting and live broadcasting to the daily writing and selection process. It is common for a particular week to be very densely arranged.
Little D has a habit of asking me every Monday about my plans for this weekend. One week, I myself had foreseen that it would be "The Devil's Week."
But when Little D proposed to go to Disney on Saturday, go to the morning run on Sunday and take her to roller skating class, I was still vague and said, OK, we'll see when the time comes.
And Little D used to ask several times during that week, and I always answered vaguely.
As a result, on Friday, I did find that my physical strength was exhausted this week, and on Saturday I really wanted to sleep a little longer and get back my blood.
On Friday night, I couldn't stay up, so I discussed with her whether I could cancel the morning run on Saturday, go roller skating in the afternoon, and then we would go to Disney on Sunday.
Slowly breaking her nose into laughter, she can still see the teardrops on the left
Little D suddenly had emotions and blurted out, but you obviously promised me!
This matter was done by the gentleman and the guy, and Little D calmed down, and we understood each other.
(Of course, later we also made up the "owe her" itinerary, today's inscription is a photo of our Disney trip)
Later, a sentence said by Little D, I was particularly touched.
She said to me, Mom, if you had known you were going to be tired in the first place, you should have rejected me when I asked you. I asked you several times, and you always agreed, and then you suddenly refused, and I didn't fit in.
This big vernacular makes me think it makes sense.
This is very similar to our adult world sometimes always getting in the way of love and not rejecting it at the first time, but in the end it is embarrassing to each other.
Sometimes, we want to refuse because we just "don't like it, it's inappropriate, we don't want to do it", but we always feel that such a reason for rejection does not exist, so we give the other party a vague statement.
And this kind of situation that is not clear at the beginning, when we still refuse in the end, the other party will be uncomfortable, "Why didn't you just start out?" ”
Little D's story, one step closer, made me understand that the first time to refuse, less routine, and say the real feelings, is the best reason to refuse.
No is no, don't be ambiguous, otherwise you won't be comfortable with each other.
Today's talk seems to be, as a parent, how to reject children. But the essence is actually how to say "no" in a relationship.
A lot of people should be like me, the closer the relationship, the harder it is to say "no".
My daughter healed my good old man, and in turn my courage to refuse, also made her avoid becoming an old good man in the future.
Learning parenting over the years has also been a process of re-understanding ourselves, and I have learned that as independent individuals, we can still win the respect and love of others by acknowledging and satisfying our own needs and not pandering to others.
To yourself, to your daughter, and to you.
The regiment is being regimental
Big J nagged
When I wrote this article, I suddenly thought of the little D dad article before the little D dad| my wife has three "stinky problems", but it is the place where I admire it the most, which mentions similar views, but the perspective of the story is different.
I myself have felt more and more over the years that I have re-acquainted myself in the process of learning parenting, and learned the bottom line and boundaries in the parent-child relationship, which has made me live more comfortable and powerful. Looking at the old photos a few days ago, I also felt it, and my eyes were more determined and convinced
By the way, the DK spot that opened yesterday was sold out and opened for pre-sale. This set of books has been done for 8 years, I have waited for 2 years, and I am so happy to see so many people looking forward to it as much as I do.
I feel inspired by the article
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