When "disappointment" becomes a family disease, how to become a parent who does not let children be discouraged?
Recently, "why are my parents so disappointed" has aroused heated discussions, from young people in their teens and twenties to middle-aged people in their forties and fifties, everyone seems to have had the experience of being discouraged by their parents.
Image source: Zhihu Q&A
Some girls happily share their work achievements with their parents, but their mother says, "What's so good about this?" You are a girl, no matter how good the job is, no one wants it. ”
Some children use the money they have saved to buy birthday gifts for their fathers, but they are accused of wasting money and not knowing how to be thrifty.
Some people took their parents out to play, climb mountains, visit parks, thought it was a happy journey, but did not expect that their parents complained the whole time: "Isn't this just a lake?" Might as well stay at home. ”
Those children who are discouraged by their parents all feel aggrieved and sad, feel that their trust in their parents has been betrayed, and they are unwilling to share happy things with their parents in the future.
Image source: TV series "Vincenzo"
However, most parents do not realize that they are unhappy and even blame their children for their silence.
The door of parent-child communication was closed firmly by the parents who were discouraged.
01
Parents who have not been loved will not express love
In the hearts of many children, sharing happiness, traveling and giving gifts are all happy things. Why do our parents always use one sentence to make everyone unhappy?
There is a saying that is heartfelt and sincere: "Parents who are disappointed are once children who are discouraged by their parents." ”
Image source: TV series "The Little Son of the Chaebol Family"
Once when chatting with my girlfriend, I heard her talk about her mother. Since childhood, she did not understand why her mother kept accusing her, as if no matter what she did, she was wrong, and no matter how hard she tried, she could not satisfy her parents.
Until one day, my mother accidentally saw the old tape at home and said to her: "When I was a child, your grandmother took me to buy tapes, let me choose one of the two tapes I liked, and after I chose one, she would definitely buy the other." ”
Looking at her mother's lonely expression, her girlfriend suddenly couldn't bear to blame her anymore, and gradually began to understand her mother.
In China's traditional family education model, parents are the big parents and controllers. An inertial authoritative mindset that rejects everything that is beyond parental control and ideas that are outside the scope of cognition.
Many Chinese parents have the idea that children should devote 100% of their energy to studying, money can only meet the necessities of life, should not pursue pleasure, and girls should talk about marriage when they are old.
If the child has his own ideas and tries to live in his own way, parents will feel that their authority has been challenged, so they immediately use words to suppress the child.
Image source: TV series "Dark Glory"
At the same time, such parents will not feel that they are not good for their children, nor will they perceive their own disappointment. On the contrary, they think that they are telling the truth, and that the so-called "faithfulness is good for deeds", and only by saying so will the child be humble and cautious.
The previous generation grew up in such a family environment and social environment, so they faced their children like this.
The love requested by the child may not have been experienced by the parents, how can it be passed on to the child?
02
What is it like to have parents who are not disappointed?
In the past, unhappy parents were the norm, and no one knew or felt what it was like to be a non-discouraged parent.
However, with the rapid change of social structure and the development of the Internet and social media, young people's horizons and perceptions are also changing. Children are gradually realizing that family life can be less unpleasant.
Image source: TV series "Please Answer 1988"
In the TV series "Please Answer 1988", Kim Jong-hwan's father is a father who is not disappointed. He always greets the children in exaggerated and funny postures, and praises his wife and children every day, warm and humorous, which is the atmosphere in the play.
He would treat the children as friends, would carefully prepare his wife's birthday party, and would bring delicious food home to share. As long as you are with him, everyone will feel inexplicable joy.
The most precious thing about unhappy parents is that they can provide the emotional value that their children need, resolve their children's negative emotions, and double their children's happiness.
In this way, the child will develop an optimistic and cheerful personality, a habit of sharing and appreciation, and a more sound personality.
In the face of excellent people, the child will not develop strong jealousy, but will sincerely feel happy for others; When you see others in a difficult situation, you will not look down on others, but respect every ordinary person equally.
Image source: Documentary "Amazing Mom"
Family relationship is the epitome of social relations, and parents who are not disappointed can create a good family environment for their children, which will help children deal with interpersonal relationships in the future.
For example, if a classmate brings new stationery, a colleague does a beautiful manicure, and a husband achieves results in the workplace, the discouraged person may disdain or even accuse the other party, but the unhappy person will sincerely praise the other party.
The former is difficult to develop healthy intimacy with others, but the latter can be easily accepted by the people around him and become friends with many people.
03
Forgive parents, heal yourself, and embrace children
Today, the Internet is a good thing about "discouraged parents".
Because more and more young people, not only stop at accusing their parents, but also try to let disappointment, control and arrogance end in this generation, start from themselves, and make changes.
As one netizen said: "Instead of indulging in harm all the time, it is better to change yourself and make yourself a person who is not disappointed." ”
Image source: TV series "Vincenzo"
So, when a once repressed child becomes a parent, how do we become a parent who is not disappointed?
One is to learn self-satisfaction. Only when parents recognize themselves, love their own life, and have the will and ability to satisfy themselves can they meet the needs of their children and have sufficient spiritual energy to provide for their children.
The second is to use positive expressions. Do not easily criticize children's thoughts and behaviors, avoid discouragement of children's enthusiasm and desire to share, replace criticism with encouragement and praise, and give children just the right emotional support.
The third is to understand the needs of children. Really think from the child's point of view, do not use the lifestyle of the previous generation to understand the child, understand what kind of care, communication and play the child needs at their age.
I once saw a video of a post-90s mother with a baby, treading water and diving into a puddle with a child who loves to play in the water.
Although their shoes were stained with sludge, they had an unparalleled happy smile on their faces.
Image source: short video screenshot
Some people say that this generation of parents is single-handedly forgiving the previous generation and healing the next generation.
It is precisely because we have felt the displeasure of our parents and realized our own loss that we are reluctant to let our children experience that childhood again.
Parenthood is to do your best to give the best to your children so that they can become happy and loving people.