Text/Old K
I saw such a message on Weibo.
A doctor is treating a depressed child who is returning to the clinic, and the child is reading there, the doctor praises the child for his hard work.
At this time, the mother hurriedly came and said, "Work hard? Fake hard work".
The doctor helplessly said to his mother: "You see you started talking again, let's say it again!" ”。
No matter how much you tell it, you can't stop the mother's habitual debasement of her child.
After this news was sent, many friends thought of the scene of their parents PUA in the past.
These beautiful names are ways to encourage you, but these children are so deeply in the abyss of pain that they can still be said many years later.
The magical "Rosenthal effect"
We often hear the saying "Sometimes when you say too much falsehood, it becomes the truth."
This is known as the "Rosenthal effect".
Rosenthal, an American psychologist, randomly sampled 18 ordinary students in the experiment and then told the school that they had passed a test and found that these children had high talent, but they had not yet developed it. In fact, these children are no different from other children, but the test results show that these students' real test results are much higher than other children.
Researchers have found that it is these positive encouragements and praise that allow these children to reach higher potential and surpass their normal selves.
Rosenthal thus concludes that expectation and praise are intrinsic human needs and an effective means of motivation.
Therefore, whether the child is capable and how the final achievement is related to his own efforts, but also related to the hints and methods of the family.
Why do some parents prefer to belittle their children?
In fact, sometimes, many parents' casual disparaging words do not seem to really belittle them, but they have become a "brand" that many children cannot eliminate.
For example, sometimes parents just want to vent their current dissatisfaction with their children, usually some "pig brain, don't you grow a brain, etc." These words come out casually, but they really hurt the child.
In the book "Poisoned Parents", it is written that children do not distinguish between facts and jokes, they will believe what their parents say about themselves and turn it into their own ideas.
When those words reach the ears of children, they are all a denial of their own efforts and a trampling on their dignity.
Shu Qi once expressed in a show that he "has no childhood".
Her miserable childhood is not because she is not dressed, but because her parents' daily blows and insults overwhelm her.
"Big mouth, really ugly", these are the words of parents often.
In the long run, Shu Qi became a person with low self-esteem, which eventually led to Shu Qi's life and love being repeatedly frustrated.
One psychoanalytic explanation for why parents frequently belittle their children is that parents themselves are dissatisfied with themselves and often unconsciously project this feeling onto their children.
Secondly, demeaning often means good control, because you are not good, so you have to listen to me, which is a typical "practice of control in the name of criticism".
People who have been PUA by their parents for a long time will form a "personality imprint"
A child who has been devalued for a long time will become extremely sensitive inside, and will have long-term self-doubt.
Even sometimes even the face changes.
Recently, Japan conducted an experiment in which after praising a girl for 50 days in a row, it was found that the girl who was originally ordinary looking and had a dull expression had undergone amazing changes.
There is a concept in psychology called "projective identity."
To put it more generally, parents have instilled in their children for a long time what feelings and ideas, when children do not have the ability to perceive and discriminate, it is easy to identify with themselves, and in the long run it will really become what parents imagine.
Some time ago, the sister-in-law educating children in the hit drama "Crazy" is a typical example, once when Gao Qiqiang gave his most beloved music box to others without Xiaochen's consent.
Gao Xiaochen was very aggrieved, but instead of comforting him, his sister-in-law kept counting: "Fart, what are you crying about?" ”
Another time, Gao Xiaochen was practicing piano, Gao Qiqiang also praised him for learning quickly, but his sister-in-law immediately said: "It took a month to practice like this, and there is still a face to say."
In the end, Gao Xiaochen became a very rebellious child, because he was not recognized since childhood, so he desperately looked for everything in life to prove himself, and finally hit a wall repeatedly and became a tragedy.
Such situations abound in reality.
Many times, long-term education methods will allow children to form a stable personality state, once it rises to the personality level to change it is more difficult, which is why some depression is very difficult to treat, because it may not only be depression, but also some personality disorders mixed in.
The best education is "acceptance" and "love"
I saw a story on the Internet, a writer who reached middle age recalled the most memorable thing in his childhood.
He said:
That night, I was playing outside, lost track of time, and came home late.
I thought my mother would scold me and sarcastically mock me.
But unexpectedly, my mother just asked me, have you eaten? I said no, and she turned around and served me food.
This little thing can be remembered by a person for a lifetime.
A truly strong parent will not only have the ability to make money for their children, but also have the ability to accept their children's imperfections.
Such acceptance and tolerance will become a "driving force" for children to enter a complex and challenging society in the future.