Hi, I'm Lady Bird.
Perhaps because of the gradual maturity of the mentality, every time I see the kind of show of affection that boys pay a lot for girls in recent years, I don't have any envious feelings, and I don't want a relationship like that.
It's not that I resist being cared for and pampered, but I'm too afraid of emotional imbalance. A healthy relationship should have a back and forth, and the other party giving too much is an invisible pressure for me, and I can't afford it.
I am more afraid that behind the other party's efforts there is a "sense of sacrifice". This means that every time the other person is nice to me, it is to say the phrase "I gave so much for you" or "It's not all for you".
Sometimes I even think: I'd rather have someone who is not so nice to me than a "horrible love" full of sacrifice.
When it comes to sacrificial feelings, I believe that the first thing that comes to mind for many people is their parents. But in fact, this is why I am particularly averse to the feeling of sacrifice.
At home, my parents always eat their own leftovers, leaving me the newly stir-fried dishes, and the next meal they eat my leftovers; Going out shopping, more than 800 clothes they never want, but will bring me back 2000 pieces of down jackets.
Of course, I know that they love me, but every time I quarrel, it is also their efforts that overwhelm me, and the moral kidnapping of "I have given you everything" and "ungrateful gratitude" suffocates me.
Having been treated like this by my parents since childhood, I am now particularly disgusted with others sacrificing for me.
An ex I dated before, he would always pick out better meat for me to eat, saying that he didn't like to eat it, and as a result, when it came time to eat the buffet, he ate more meat than anyone else.
Another thing that impressed me was that at that time, I wanted to have a cat, and the family did not agree, and he went to my house to visit my parents without my consent, begging them to let me have a cat. Ordinary people must be very moved, but I have an evil fire rushing to my heart.
Although this may be a bit offensive, I still want to say that not all efforts for love will make the other person happy.
I really don't like my partner doing something meaningless for me, and I don't want him to cross the line in the name of "good for me". What's even more frightening is that many people also use self-sacrifice as a tool for emotional kidnapping.
Ex is like this, when I encounter a conflict, he will say "If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be like that", which made me fall into guilt and finally compromise with him. His sense of sacrifice was like a black hole, and no matter how hard I tried to repay it, I couldn't fill it.
I can vaguely feel that whenever he realizes that he is not reasonable in the fight, he will repeatedly emphasize his dedication, because he knows that I will be soft and compromise if I do so. In a way, he was using his sense of sacrifice to force me to relinquish.
A similar plot also happened to the pair of Zhang Wanting and Song Ningfeng in "Goodbye Lover 2", but this time it was the girl who had a heavier sense of sacrifice.
As soon as they quarreled, Zhang Wanting would say, "I gave you a baby" or "I am for your good." Immediately afterwards, Song Ningfeng would fall silent, and after a while, he would come to her guiltily to apologize.
In fact, Zhang Wanting has indeed paid a lot for her family, but her sense of sacrifice is also very sad and suffocating.
From the perspective of a girl, I admit that I have also emphasized my own dedication, and sometimes I can't help but say all my grievances about doing housework when I am angry, in order to occupy the moral high ground at the moment of anger.
But in fact, when you calm down, you will find that the sense of sacrifice will not solve anything other than helping you win the fight.
Huang Zhizhong once mentioned a point in "Strange Words", he said: "Self-sacrifice can make a person feel that he is very good, but it is a very dangerous thing in intimate relationships."
You don't want the other person to be a cow and a horse for you, but you will at least want the other person to feel guilty. "In this way, it is no different from moral kidnapping.
I can understand that many people with a sense of sacrifice really pay a lot to feel aggrieved, and gradually become a person with very serious emotional demands.
But I think the most important thing is not to get into the tip of the sacrificial bull and try to control the other party in the name of sacrifice. The important thing is to solve the actual problem and find an implementable way to eliminate the grievances caused by their excessive efforts.
For example, two people can agree on the boundaries of what they pay for each other, and there should be no burdensome things. Another example is to clarify with the other person what you want from him, whether it can be to take on household chores together or to spend more time with you.
A healthy relationship doesn't require sacrifice, but rather a balance of giving to each other.
As mentioned at the beginning, now I am no longer obsessed with the other person who gives me so much affection, and the fundamental reason is because I think such feelings are dangerous.
It's like being taken away by the other party with too many chips, and losing the bet one day will make me double the return.
Conversely, I will never sacrifice for anyone, and in my relationship I only give the part I want to give and accept the kindness I want to accept. I don't emotionally kidnap others, and others don't want to use their sense of sacrifice to control me.
Illustration / "My Business is Long"
Head diagram / Aren