Author: Creative Group Summer
I can't remember how many times I've retrieved my son's phone from his bed.
I took my phone and angrily questioned my son:
"Why can't you ever remember what I said?"
How exactly do you understand that your main task now is to learn.
Only if you do a good job in your studies, will you be able to play freely with your mobile phone in the future..."
My son opened his eyes lazily, glanced at me impatiently, covered his head with a quilt, and went on to sleep.
I lifted my son's quilt and forced him to continue listening to my nagging, waiting for him to give me a satisfactory answer, even if it was only perfunctory, as he had done before.
However, this time my son refused to even be perfunctory, and he threw the quilt at my feet fiercely, glaring at me and shouting:
"You said enough, why do you think you are right, why do I have to listen to you..."
Looking at my son's hysterical look, I was petrified on the spot.
However, what made me even more unbelievable was that my son did not go to school the next day.
No matter how much I urged outside the door, no matter how hard I tried to persuade each other, my son closed the door.
In this way, my son and I began the first Cold War in history.
And in this difficult silent time, I repeatedly wondered what was wrong, he would hate me so much, or perhaps, this "hatred" has lasted for many years...
Until a chance, I heard such a sentence from Teacher Wu Zhihong's lecture:
"The most ineffective effort in the world is to reason with your child's heart and lungs, and the more you tell the truth, the more disgusting the child is and the more unwilling to communicate with you."
Only then did I understand:
It turned out that it was I who caused the proud "good words and slanders" and raised my son to waste.
It turns out that parents who can only reason with their children will never be able to raise children who have a career.
Reasoning with children is the most useless way of education
In fact, I should have discovered a long time ago:
"Reasoning" with children is the most useless education.
For example, when children are young, we often tell our children:
Picky eaters, not good for the body;
Eating too much ice cream, the stomach will be uncomfortable;
Eat too much sugar, easy to tooth decay...
We genuinely care about our children, but children still do whatever they want.
When the children grow up, we talk endlessly about life, about gains and losses, about the importance of learning and hard work...
But the result?
The more you talk, the more disobedient your child tends to be.
We blame children for being difficult to manage and rebellious, but in fact we blame children.
I once watched a very interesting video:
A little girl of two or three years old was noisy at home.
Dad said to the girl in a good voice, please keep quiet.
The girl not only did not listen, but also angrily angered her father:
If you think I'm noisy, you just don't love me.
The girl's divine logic made her father cry and laugh.
At the same time, the findings of Daniel Siegel, M.D., and brain scientist Tina Penn Bryson, who are M.D., and brain scientists at Harvard University are also verified:
"The reason why children can't listen to the truth is that the way parents raise their children does not conform to the laws of brain development."
Our brain is divided into two layers, the upper layer is the rational brain, and the lower layer is the emotional brain.
The child's development law is first the lower layer, then the upper layer.
That is to say, for young children whose brains have not yet developed perfectly, the truth we are talking about, children may not understand at all.
In addition to this, there is an "overrun effect" in psychology:
"Refers to the psychological phenomenon of too much stimulation, too strong or too long-term action, which causes extreme psychological impatience or rebellion."
Zheng Zihao in "Metamorphometer" likes to play computer games very much.
As long as he seized the opportunity, his father, who was a lawyer, would talk to Zheng Zihao endlessly about various big truths:
"Do you know it's wrong to play games?"
"You're addicted to playing games like this, like smoking opium, and the playthings are lost."
"You have to do your study, and only when you study well can you engage in entertainment."
Zheng Zihao is like turning on the automatic shielding mode, not only ignoring his father's big truth, but more obsessed with the game.
The former Soviet educator Sukhomlinsky also said:
"In any kind of educational phenomenon, the less the child feels the intention of the educator, the greater its educational effect."
Only by speaking into the hearts of children can education be truly effective.
Condescending to teach children, it is difficult for children to recognize from the bottom of their hearts.
Children do not recognize the great truth of their parents, and no matter how much parents talk about it, they will dig out their hearts and lungs, which is also an ineffective effort.
Sometimes, reasoning is also a verbal violence
Maybe it's the parents' "desire to control."
Many times, the more my son couldn't listen, the more I chattered with my son.
I firmly believe that as long as you keep saying it, there will always be a day when you "nod your head".
But the facts are:
Sometimes, being reasonable is also a verbal violence.
I remember once, I watched the variety show "All the Way to Adulthood" with my son.
In the program, "Secretary Dakang" Wu Gang is very concerned about his son Yangyang, and he asks Yangyang to call and report on all major and minor incidents.
He also always uses the dual identity of "father" and "predecessor" in the show to guide Yang Yang how to play the role, how to get along with people, and how to guard against arrogance and impatience.
In the second episode of the show, he quit the show because he was going to shoot.
Before leaving, I kept explaining to Yang Yang:
"Do anything, think of the worst.
You have to learn to persevere, learn to be patient, others need help, you have to stretch out a hand, to have team spirit..."
Although Yang Yang nodded as he listened, his expression had become more and more impatient.
Seeing this, my son suddenly stared at me and said:
"Mom, when you keep reasoning with me, my heart is as painful as Yang Yang."
At the time, I didn't understand why my son said that, but now I do.
As one psychology teacher put it:
"Parents' nagging, which seems to be concern, is actually a kind of chronic psychological torture."
Because, the endless nagging of parents, to some extent, is a manifestation of distrust and accusation.
This will bring a lot of psychological pressure to the child, trigger the child's negative emotions, and hit and consume the child's self-esteem and self-confidence.
I once saw a netizen confide in:
"From childhood to adulthood, no matter how big or small, my mother nagged.
The more I hid, the harsher my mother's accusations became.
The more I confronted my mother, the more severely her punishment became.
With anger, frustration, and inferiority all day long, I don't know where the joy of learning is, what the meaning of life is, and where the joy of living is! ”
Parents nagged and preached endlessly, and the harm brought to children was tantamount to the violence of language such as blows and demeaning.
There is a saying in positive discipline that is particularly well said:
"Only when a child feels better can he do better."
Only when parents let go of the lofty preaching and give their children respect and recognition, can children gain self-confidence and become better and better.
In the book "Don't Wait for Your Kids to Grow Up and Regret That You've Done Too Much Now", there is a sentence that is particularly heartfelt:
"A child's problems are closely related to the parents' performance."
If the child is wrong, there must be a problem with the parent's way of educating.
So, after raising my son, I decided to change my mind and drive the baby.
One. Replace reasoning with experience
I have seen this sentence:
"Experience and contrast are the best teachers, too many things, you have not experienced, you can never understand." 」
The same applies to children.
A teenage boy in Hangzhou, obsessed with games, does not want to go to school.
Dad reasoned with him, and he didn't listen.
Then Dad made a surprising decision:
Take your son to visit the 4 a.m. wet market and see the vegetable farmers who want to sleep but can't sleep;
Look at the vendors who work hard to make money and live;
See how cruel and hard the adult world is;
Think about what your parents have paid behind their comfortable lives?
As a result, the boy not only realized his mistakes, felt the cruelty of life and the hardships of his parents, but also understood why he had to study hard.
I also learned from this Hangzhou father, taking my son to see the young people on the factory assembly line, taking my son to see the office building at two o'clock in the morning, taking my son to experience how much money can be made by moving bricks for a day and picking up bottles for a day.
As a result, as I wished, my son voluntarily handed in his mobile phone and made up his mind to study hard.
Montessori says:
"I've heard it, I've forgotten it; I've seen it, I remember it; I've done it, and I understand."
Educating children is a process that children slowly experience.
Empty theories, it is difficult to enter the heart of the child.
Only by letting the child feel in the personal experience can the child truly understand and understand some truths.
Two. Replace the hard-hitting with the retreat as the advance
My son especially loves to play games.
Whether I tried to persuade him bitterly, yell at him angrily, scold him, or forcibly unplug the family's network cables, my son would not listen, and sometimes, even fight with me like an enemy.
It wasn't until I happened to see a video of Olympic champion Deng Yaping that I found out:
Instead of being tough with your children, it is better to retreat into progress.
Deng Yaping's son was also very obsessed with games for a while.
Deng Yaping did not rebuke him, nor did she force him to quit the game, but gently told him:
"If you really like to play games, you can go down the path of esports."
After that, Deng Yaping specially took her son to visit two top e-sports clubs to let her son understand their schedule and see how they trained.
As a result, as soon as his son heard that e-sports had to train for 12 hours a day, he immediately gave up.
Psychologist Adler said:
"Confrontation with children will only fail, you can never beat children, let alone cultivate their spirit of cooperation through confrontation."
If you want your child to be willing to cooperate with us, "retreating into progress" is the best way.
Because, standing on the opposite side of the child and being tough with the child, it will arouse the child's rebellious emotions and make the child develop in the opposite direction.
But passing on our support, respect, acceptance, and recognition to children, giving them the opportunity to trial and error, and allowing children to learn to grow on their own will be more effective than any advice and help.
Three. Replace harsh preaching with humor
There is a particularly popular video abroad.
The 14-year-old daughter wanted to wear ultra-shorts to school, and in order to stop his daughter, the father specially wore a pair of ultra-shorts to show his daughter:
"Take your shorts out and see how short they really are?" Shorter than one than anyone else!
If you wear it to school now, I'll take you out of school every day in these pants. ”
The funny appearance of the father made the daughter laugh and twisted, and at the same time perfectly resolved a conflict between father and daughter.
Recalling my son's pin-point argument against Mai Mang, the criticism of the battle, the order of "sacred and inviolable", I have to admit:
"Humor is the best way to undo hostility."
Because, humorous communication will let children see the sincerity of parents, will let children in a relaxed and pleasant atmosphere, automatically relieve hostility, and easily accept parents' suggestions.
For children, love as gentle as the spring breeze is the most powerful education.
There is such a passage in "New Chinese Parents", which is worth pondering by every parent:
"In this world, there are two types of parents.
One is the 'eat the old type' parents, they use a set of educational methods they have received in the past to raise their children, if the child does not perform well, they usually only think that there is no problem with traditional education, it is the child who has a problem.
One is the 'learning' parents, who will explore ways of education that keep pace with the times, and if the child is not performing well, they will reflect and then find a better way to educate the child. ”
Raising children is a practice.
We may not be perfect parents, but we can be a growing parent.
As long as we are willing to reflect from our mistakes, willing to change from now on, willing to put our understanding, respect and identification with our children above the authority of our parents, we will certainly be able to raise a child who has love in his heart, light in his eyes, and lives up to expectations.
About the Author: Summer, a freelance writer, a practitioner on the road to parenting. New Oriental Family Education (ID: xdfjtjy) transmits the concept of professional family education, provides family education information at home and abroad, and shares absorbable and operable methods and suggestions. Make continuous learning a habit for families.