Hello everyone, I'm Cuckoo Mama~
I don't know if you have noticed that those who often frown and sigh at every turn, they are generally pessimistic? Those who like to complain when they encounter a little thing, they generally have a bad temper?
And those who are happy every day and always say some positive words such as "too good" in their mouths, they are generally very cheerful, positive and optimistic, and they are not bad?
What's going on? What exactly is it that affects a person's character and destiny?
One: A person's perception of himself will be biased
In psychology, there is a word called the "Barnum effect."
It refers to the fact that in the process of knowing oneself, one can easily accept hints from external information. Moreover, he will generally think that these hints accurately describe his own characteristics, and thus deviate from his perception.
I saw a netizen on the Internet who said that she heard her parents say from childhood to adulthood: Are you a pig? Look at your shameful appearance, what can you do when you grow up? Can you have a snack...
Being so belittled all the time, she really felt that she was useless, that she couldn't do anything well, that she couldn't do anything wrong.
So whether it is a school or a company competition, she does not dare to participate, even if others think she has this strength. Even after graduating from college, she felt that she was not suitable for the company and should go to a small restaurant as a waiter.
When a person accepts false cues for a long time, he will have cognitive biases about himself.
He really thought he was bad, he couldn't do it, he couldn't do it. But what he didn't know was what his true self was.
Second: What parents often say will become a prophecy for their children's future
In the process of forming self-knowledge, the most affected children is the family.
Especially before the age of 6, it is easy for children to directly take their parents' evaluation of him as their true personality.
For example, when a child sees that people don't like to say hello, the parents explain, "My child is too shy." ”
If the child can't do something well, the parents say, "Why are you so stupid, you can't do anything well." ”
Children are reluctant to share, parents have forcibly grabbed toys, and do not forget to accuse: "Why are you so selfish?" ”
The more such hints, the child will automatically internalize the labels of "shy", "stupid" and "selfish" into his own personality.
Adler pointed out in "Inferiority and Transcendence" that a person's mind will guide his actions.
If the child thinks he is "stupid", he will make himself believe once every time he screws up: it seems that I am really too stupid to even do this.
And if the child thinks he can do it, then he will hold his head high and be positive in everything. Because of his optimistic mind, it will lead him to make positive actions.
The founder of "slow-raising" education, Hei Youlong, his children, used to be "not excellent".
The second eldest even scored 0 points in an exam.
Looking at this test paper with zero eggs hanging, the black young dragon forcibly suppressed his anger, and instead of getting angry and accusing, he asked the child:
Are you nervous that led to the exam?
Then, he encouraged the child and said, "It doesn't matter, next time you work hard, you will definitely be able to do well in the exam." ”
Under the encouragement and influence of his father, the second eldest continued to change, and even at the age of 30, he became the deputy dean of the University of Washington School of Medicine. In a letter to his parents, he once said:
"Thank you for always believing that I am a good person with great potential, because your patience and non-giving up have never given up on myself."
A child, how to know himself, what kind of person he will become when he grows up.
What you say often will really become the prophecy and fate of the child's future.
Three: Be the best "prophet" of children
"Psychological Suggestion" said that if a person continues to give himself positive hints every day, then he can become more and more confident and brave, and awaken the most powerful self.
What can we usually do to give the child a positive hint and awaken his strong side?
Describe specific behaviors, not general statements
For example, the child takes the initiative to share, not to summarize "you are so good", but to say: "I saw you share snacks with friends, and had a lot of fun." ”
The child gets the hint that I am a person who can share and that sharing will get more happiness.
The child is a little shy, but when he is not cowardly in the face of strangers, he does not summarize "you are too good", but says: "I see you behaving very generously, even if you don't know this person, you can cope with it." ”
The hint that the child gets is: It turns out that I can also be generous, then next time I can behave better, and I am not afraid of the stage in the face of unfamiliar people.
Under such a hint, the child will slowly ignore his own shortcomings, strengthen his own strengths, and become a better person.
Don't rush to give answers, use the "I believe" sentence form
When we say to our child, "I believe in you," we believe that as long as he is willing to use his brain, try hard, and take a little more step forward, he will be able to do it.
For example, if a child complains to you, I can't write this word. Instead of rushing to give an answer, you answer, "I believe you can find the answer with the help of tools." ”
The affirmation of parents will give children a strong psychological cue. It tells children not to be discouraged, no matter what they encounter, but to believe in themselves!
Replace disruptive communication with constructive communication
"Why don't you?" Words like "who made you" and "how to do it" are destructive communication. As soon as the child hears these words from you, he will automatically block his ears, and even have reverse psychological theory.
For example, the child turns a blind eye to the confetti on the ground, and does not say: "Why don't you pick up the paper, the house is so dirty and you can't see it?" ”
You can say, "With so much confetti on the floor, what are we going to do now to make the house clean and tidy?" ”
When your child is doing homework, his eyes are too close to the book, don't say, "Why do you look so close again, are you happy when your eyes are blind?" ”
You can say, "Keep the book a little farther away so your eyes don't get tired." ”
When communicating with children, more constructive opinions and questions, less destructive communication, children will be more willing to listen.
The family is the starting point of the child, and it can determine the end of the child's future.
And what is the future pattern of the child, what kind of life to choose, and what kind of attitude to face the problem. These may be hidden in the language of their parents.
Therefore, what we often say will really become a prophecy for the future of the child.
May every parent give their child more positive hints and be his best "prophet"
【Picture from the Internet, invasion and deletion】
About the author: Cuckoo mom, a good observation, thinking, method of the mother. Focus on children's psychology, read children's easy parenting, like to pay attention to it~