The loneliness of contemporary people is a kind of "noisy loneliness".
We live in crowds, but loneliness remains.
While we crave friendship, we insist on social fear; we crave intimacy and worry about getting hurt in it.
Teacher Xu Kaiwen, a doctor of psychology who has taught at Peking University, has found in many years of work that in Peking University, a place that brings together elite students from all over the country, there are many outstanding students who often fall into a state of emptiness and confusion, they feel that life has no meaning, they feel that their hearts are empty, and it seems that in addition to studying well, they do not know what value they have.
In this regard, teacher Xu Kaiwen believes: "High-quality intimate relationship is the confidence and wealth we live in the world. High-quality companionship from parents, partners, and best friends is the key support to help us through life's crises. ”
Studies have shown that under stress response, there are two kinds of human responses to fight or flight. To fight is to face, to escape is to avoid. Going with the flow is a positive avoidance, not doing it in the most ideal way, and going with the flow is also a good choice.
When an individual encounters a crisis to the point where he feels that he is about to die, the first duty of the psychologist is to assist him in finding resources.
As mentioned earlier, usually people are prone to enter a state of narrow cognition when they encounter a crisis, that is, they only see the problem and do not see the resources.
From a psychological point of view, resources can be summarized into four types: intrinsic, extrinsic, teamwork, and spirituality. The essence of mastering resources is to be able to quickly and accurately control the situation and find a solution to the problem.
-01-
Intrinsic resources
The inner resource is yourself, helping and healing yourself with your own strength by awakening your inner self.
In fact, everyone has had a successful and beautiful experience, but when they encounter crises and difficulties, they will be overwhelmed by negative emotions and fall into a situation that is getting deeper and worse. Once a person loses the ability to respond positively, he naturally turns to a state of passive lying flat or blindly avoiding.
The motivation for battle comes from past successful experiences and experiences, and when this experience has long been sealed in the depths of inner memory, it is necessary to awaken the memory and awaken its own strength.
We once hosted a middle school student A who suffered from major depression. A comes from a broken family, her parents divorced and remarried very early, and she lives with her grandparents. A said that she had thought about suicide many times, and even prepared for suicide several times, but she had always carried the gold chain given to her by her mother, which was a birthday gift from her mother, and every time she saw the necklace, she remembered that her mother took her to the amusement park that day, and they had a very happy day.
A said that when she thought of the good memories of being with her mother, she felt very warm and did not want to die. She said that if she did disappear from this world, her mother would be very uncomfortable, which gave her the motivation to live. Suicide does not occur suddenly, it has a process of development, and suicide is generally experienced: the development of suicidal ideation, the determination to commit suicide, the choice of the place and time of suicide, and the adoption of suicidal behavior.
In this link, if the inner self is awakened, the healing power of that moment is enough to repel the haze of negative emotions.
-02-
Extrinsic resources
Everyone has their own social support system, and your friends and family, all the people you know well, can be assumed to be a resource that could be our problem solving.
We all need high-quality intimate relationships, no matter what happens in this world, there are people who have always been with us, there are people who love you unconditionally, and having such a relationship is the confidence and wealth of living in this world.
He said: Do you know what is the most serious way to punish people in prison? It's not that we don't let sleep — it's abusive, it's illegal — it's not what we think of as a "little black room." It was a man in the house, with lights, toilets, sinks, but there was no one to talk to him, no radio, no television, no newspapers, just sitting. No matter how strong a prisoner is, he will collapse in two weeks at most.
Cutting off all contact with the outside world is equivalent to cutting off the social support system. Melting our individuals into relationships with others and gaining a sense of social importance and meaning in connection with groups is a very important way for people to achieve happiness in society.
-03-
Team resources
Shared values are the core elements of forming a team.
For example, if something very complicated happens to a team, through observation, I find that the problem is that it is difficult for members of the core team to shake the paranoid and extreme ideas of new members. After careful analysis and discussion, everyone's consensus is the formation of a core team, not selected, but eliminated.
Many people have joined some teams and will naturally leave if their values do not match each other. Therefore, the people with the most consistent values have formed a core team, they have very consistent actions, they can form strong support for each other, and the process of growing together also precipitates the foundation of trust.
Therefore, the team has a long-term common identity for the same thing in order to succeed.
People have to live in the collective to be more powerful, so they should cherish the resources of the team with common values.
-04-
Spiritual resources
Through years of psychological diagnosis and counseling work, I have learned a fact in prison: if a prisoner is undisciplined or fights, the most advanced way to punish him is to directly confine him without beating or scolding.
In a single cell, for a week, no one spoke to him, he could eat and open his mouth but he was in a sheltered place, and there was no information input, no radio, no television, no Internet, nothing. At the beginning, it may be quite proud, but after two or three days it will be unbearable, and it will collapse in one week, and it will really collapse directly in two weeks.
Because people are social animals, even in the most extreme cases, people need to communicate with people.
However, the spiritual realm and level of people are different, and once they have a lofty spiritual pursuit, their inner endurance and external performance are better than ordinary people.
For example, Jiang Jie, who has been imprisoned for many years, Gandhi, the leader of the Indian national liberation movement, and Mandela, the leader of the South American nationality, have accomplished feats that are difficult for ordinary people to achieve with their tenacious faith in their hearts.
Born to be human, with a mindful mind. In the pursuit of positive energy, valuable and meaningful things, the large and small crisis moments encountered will eventually be transformed into ladders on the road of "the heart yearns for it, and the action will be able to reach".
First of all, it is necessary to understand what "normal" and "abnormal" behaviors may occur in adolescent children, and it is even more necessary to recognize and learn how to deal with the various unexpected behaviors of adolescent children that cause parents to worry and anxiety, and finally to be able to cope with their various behaviors freely.
How exactly can children listen?
There is a saying that "every problematic child has a pair of problem parents behind it", if parents encounter problems or poor communication with adolescent children, they should think about it in a good way, first look at the seven kinds of adolescent children's voices summarized and described by the teacher, is there any kind of your child's idea.
1
Don't care what the child thinks inside
Why didn't my parents understand what I really thought? Why do they interfere with my thinking, always telling me to follow the path they have set? Although I am their child, I am also a natural person with a mind, a mind, and a brain that thinks for himself.
2
Only adults are always the most important
My parents always disagreed with my affairs, as if only their affairs were the most important, and our things seemed to be small things, not worth mentioning, mentioning them in vain, and they did not go to their hearts at all. Therefore, now I generally don't tell them about things, I know that it is useless to say it, and I will not be taken seriously, and I joke that this is a humble "small thing".
3
I was asked of all sorts of things, but they couldn't do it themselves
Our parents are strict with us but they can't do it themselves, and when we seriously point out what our parents are doing wrong, they say that it is a rebuttal and rebellion. In the eyes of parents, the difference between good children and bad children is only one point, that is, they do not listen to them.
4
I didn't have the patience to listen to what was really going on in my heart
I had no way to communicate well with my parents, and some of the suggestions I made always thought were childish, saying that they were immature ideas of children, which were simply unrealistic, and when I explained to them, they couldn't listen to them at all, so they deprived me of my right to speak.
5
"Talking" to me, only to learn and a bunch of big truths
Mom and Dad ask me about my studies every day, as if nothing else is important except for this topic, at home the most my parents say every day is to do a good job in learning, what grades, homework, exams, scores... This disgusts me.
Every time I want to talk to them, they always nag a lot of truths, put on a lofty parental shelf, and then impose their own thoughts on me, in fact, only if they agree with their views, they will not continue to nag, if they do not agree, they will continue to say until I reluctantly accept. I really want to communicate with my parents on an equal footing, to communicate honestly, because respect is based on each other, and I don't even have this power.
6
Replace calm education with anger
Every time I didn't do well on a test or made a mistake, I came home and scolded. In fact, every time I do something wrong, or make a mistake in school, I know that I am not doing it right, if my parents can calmly communicate with me, I will also tell them well, who does not want to make things better?
7
If I were a parent...
If I were a parent of a child, I wouldn't pose as a condescending person. Nor will I say to my child, you were born to me and you have to listen to me. I will make friends with my child, go into my child's heart to chat and talk with my child, and let my child tell me my thoughts and grievances.
I will accompany my child to do what he likes to be interested in, to be a good parent who makes his child like and help him, a parent who can understand us and communicate with us on an equal footing, how much I want and need it!
Seeing this, parents and friends must want to know, how to effectively communicate with high school children?
First, parents should keep pace with the times
Today's children absorb information and knowledge from all sides through multiple channels, like sponges absorbing water. From astronomy to geography, many new terms will pop up between conversations.
But how much do parents know about these new terms? Without understanding the child's language and ideas, how can parents communicate effectively with their children?
This requires our parents to keep up with the times. Pay more attention to current affairs news, read more fashion magazines, know the names of singers that your children like, know major sports competitions, know how to surf the Internet, know the current popular vocabulary and so on.
These can not only enrich and improve themselves, but also narrow the distance between themselves and their children, why not enjoy it?
Second, parents should know how to respect their children
Among the suggestions for communicating with their children, the most common thing parents hear is to respect their children. But did the most you listen to really do it?
Respect is based on equality. The relationship between parents and children should be a relationship of mutual learning and common growth, not a relationship in which one party "disciplines" the other.
Parents should fully respect their children when communicating with them "more suggestions, less orders" and make their children feel psychologically.
When encountering things, do not blindly use the tone of the command such as must, immediately, must, etc., but use a discussion, discussion-style tone such as, can not be, good or bad and so on.
This allows children to feel that their parents respect me and treat me as an adult. Although children may also do it with imperative tones such as "must" and "immediately", their psychological feelings are completely different.
Three, go out with your children
Often go out with children, travel or outdoor activities, in short, must be frequent. In this casual and natural environment, children will be more willing to communicate with their parents and say what they really think.
In addition, if parents cannot communicate effectively with their children, they can use "external forces" to communicate with their children.
One is that you can borrow the power of the class teacher, the second is that you can borrow the power of the child's good classmates, and the third is that you can borrow the power of the subject teacher. These methods are for reference only and parents can try them.
Fourth, parents should be good at using a variety of communication channels
When children reach the middle school stage, they already have a strong sense of independence and self-care ability. Heavy learning tasks make parents have relatively less time to communicate with their children, especially for children living in schools, and there are fewer opportunities for communication between the two sides.
Parents need to create as many communication channels as possible. For example, weekends and holidays are important communication opportunities between parents and children, parents should avoid socializing, reduce work, and work with their children as much as possible, chatting, watching TV, listening to music, surfing the Internet, traveling, etc., are effective forms of communication.
In addition, do not ignore the role of the telephone, and the children of the school before going to bed to talk on the phone, greeting each other, is a very pleasant thing that parents and children can feel; many inconvenient to face and children to say, you can also pass on your love to your children through text messaging.
As long as parents are dedicated, patient and careful, they will naturally find the golden key to communicate with their children, and their children will naturally progress and grow up healthily.
"Abnormal/unrecognized" behavior in adolescent children is common.
Stealing.
Studies suddenly plummeted. It often means that the child suddenly encounters some difficulties in life, affecting the academics.
Verbal abuse, intimidation or threats against others, destructive behavior/violent language behavior. As mentioned above, severe speech and behavior beyond the normal scale and frequency may indicate conduct disorder.
Long-term anxiety, anger or sadness, sudden severe mood changes. Although normal mood swings and transient anxiety are normal. But long-term serious changes must arouse parents' vigilance and seek help as soon as possible.
Obsessed with weight, and/or drastic changes in eating habits.
Never participates in friends' social activities. Children may become more accustomed to the online virtual world without adapting to the real reality of society, and even cause severe social phobia.
Interact with dangerous/inappropriate people.
Drinking alcohol, smoking, getting drunk or using drugs. This problem is particularly acute in the United States, where many children have access to drugs from junior high school. Parents should never expect the school to solve this problem. The best thing to do is to prevent it, and you should discuss this topic with your child before you start junior high school.
Didn't return all night.
Illegal Acts.
Abnormal sexual activity.
Constantly arguing, even for small things. Such children may lack self-control on a cognitive level in emotional, emotional control. Parents need to understand that the cognitive part of the child's managing brain at this stage is not yet mature.
Public provocation and/or refusal to follow the rules.
Too many games and social media.
Engage in risky behavior.
Self-harm/suicide. Many girls are affected by their surroundings and "learn" to harm themselves, or to vent their emotions, or to gain "attention" or even to "threaten".
How to deal with your child's "unrecognized/abnormal" behavior
How exactly is normal and abnormally distinguished and defined? Is it a difference in quality or quantity? Is it in line with the growth stage of children's development? Does behavior affect their learning, relationships and life?
Is it transient, short-term, or long-term?
Are their psychological, physiological developmental stages taken into account?
Reactive (to a particular environment, situation, person) or habitual.
Are these behaviors "qualitative" changes, or are there deviations in normal behavior "to varying degrees"?
Is "unrecognized" behavior a way of "adapting" to a "particular environment"? (Emotional Intelligence and Inverse Quotient).
Differences in behavioral expressions in boys (direct and externalized) and girls (indirect and internalized).
Parents "do not approve" of the child's behavior, must be wrong? Who determines the criteria for "unrecognized" behavior?
Does the "non-approval" of the parents necessarily be something that "someone else or society" does not approve of?
Parents' objective understanding of "self and family".
Strategies for dealing with children's "disapproval" behavior
Understand the characteristics of physical and mental development in adolescent children. Pay attention to your child's emotional and psychological needs.
Carefully observe your child's behavior and activities for early detection. The cultivation of children should start from an early age, rather than waiting for children to have problems before they start to consider going to "expert treatment", the best "treatment" is prevention.
Understand the meaning and essence behind "behavior."
Is it necessary to wait patiently, or do you need to step in and help them?
In what ways to help them "correct"?
Based on equality and mutual respect. Give directions, restrictions and rules that are clear and appropriate to their stage of development, and never compare themselves to other people's children.
Provide a stable family environment to develop and maintain a strong parent-child relationship with parents.
Open communication. Please see the previous popular science "non-violent communication".
Cultivate children's independence and give them the opportunity to exercise "reverse quotient and emotional intelligence." Please see past science popularization.
Seek professional help.
Parents should avoid:
Unreasonable expectations. (e.g. academic, IVF). Many parents don't realize until their children grow up that their children are the most ordinary people. For other parents, when there are serious problems with their children's mental health, even if the child is an ordinary person, it will become a luxury, and they really regret why they did not pay attention to the child's spiritual growth when they were young, but "went with the flow" and only attached importance to "narrow education".
Lack of understanding of the child, lack of empathy/empathy in meeting the needs of the child. Parents' love, understanding and unconditional support for their children are the "most powerful motivating force" for children forever.
Use of hurtful language, corporal punishment. Sometimes it can bring "eternal psychological trauma" to the child.
The ability and independence that oppress them. This will only suppress their personality and creativity.
Parents should adopt some of the following effective principles of behavior "help"
Too many rules will prevent children from learning, motivation and progress, and for children with poor self-restraint, too few rules will not work. "Approval" or "disapproval" should be based on the specific family environment, parents and children's cognition, personality, and based on the child's and parents' discussions.
It should be Reasonable. Each child, the parent and family dynamics are different, and the parents are the ones who know the most about the child, so reasonable expectations and parenting styles should be formulated for each child's different personalities.
Clear. Many parents often "nag" and "educate" their children, but they do not know that children have long been "desensitized" to their parents' "long-winded" and it is impossible to listen to them. So for those parents who are particularly "emotional", they must keep their mouths shut and communicate clearly, openly and concisely with their children.
Consistent. (The consistency between husband and wife, the consistency between grandparents, grandparents and grandparents). If parents can't agree on how to educate their children, their children will have more confusion.
Positive expression. Parents' attitude towards life will have a profound impact on the child's personality. So should parents live a "positive life"?
Feedback opinions from children are based on a consensus based on soliciting children's opinions.
The long-term persistence of "flexibility" in the implementation of the rules. Being able to do this requires parents to be truly able to "go beyond themselves", which is often based on an objective and healthy understanding of their children's short- and long-term life plans.
Parents will feel that it is not easy to raise children, and have they ever thought that it is even more difficult for children in adolescence? Children need their parents as their backers, to give them advice and to share with them the good, bad, and even ugly things in life. Parents should choose to sit in the front row of their child's growth process and participate in it, rather than being on top.