01
Recently, the weather is good, in order to make up for the lack of full companionship during this time, I always partner with my girlfriend to take the baby out to play. As soon as I spent more time with my baby, my girlfriend discovered the hidden side of my old mother...
She said, I have always felt that you are a particularly patient, very gentle, especially methodical kind of mother, "gentle and firm" is about you. But I never expected that you would roar when you were in a hurry!
I listened to hahahahahahaha However, it is not that I can't hold my emotions, but that I can't hold my emotions, but that I can't hold my emotions, but that I can't hold my emotions, but I can't hold my emotions.
The girlfriend was surprised and said: Isn't it said that yelling at the child is not good for the baby, it will have a negative impact on the child's psychology and brain, how to you have become an educational method.
In fact, there is not only one girlfriend who has this concern, my old man always says that my attitude towards fullness is a bit polarized, and when it is gentle, it is like a spring breeze, and the patience is overwhelming.
But when I turned my face, I was really fierce, and I was not polite at all when I roared, and what my mother said was me.
But they didn't know it was on purpose. In fact, when the education was full, I always maintained my sanity and thinking, and the fierceness and anger of the roaring baby were created by me, and the size and degree were within my control.
That is to say, my yelling is not a temper to vent the emotions of the baby, nor is it a simple and rude reprimand of the child, using the momentum to overwhelm the child to make the baby obedient, but .... It's all routine.
Why? Because the baby needs to "roar"! But the roar must be rational roaring
02
Some friends may ask, rational roaring baby is also roaring, can not be gentle reasoning.
All I can say is that everyone wants to be a gentle mom and talk to your children well. But the reality is that every time we have a good temper and say that the baby can't hear it at all, forcing the old mother Hedong lion to roar, the baby's hearing can barely recover some.
What can we do? Most mothers roar, but they just want their children to hear, otherwise they won't be able to do anything this day. You and I both know how amazing the destructive power of a disobedient baby is.
Others will say that it may be that adults have poor communication skills. To tell the truth, as a person who has been grinded by high-demand babies for so many years, I think that my communication skills and the ability to resolve emotions have been perfected.
Now and full of communication I can do it in minutes, but! This does not affect in the slightest the deafness and dumbness of the "Don't Listen, Don't Listen, Wang Ba Chanting Sutra".
To tell the truth, after 6 years of raising a baby, I feel more and more that "gentle and firm" is more like a theorem floating in the sky, ideal and correct, but it does not seem to be the same when it is actually used.
Especially after reading the PET Parental Efficacy Manual and taking some classes in child psychology, my feelings were even deeper.
Man cannot be gentle all the time, which is unscientific and anti-human.
Normal people have a variety of emotions such as joy, sorrow, fear, and sorrow. It is true that the mother should be gentle, but if she is always gentle, it is not right, and it is difficult for the mother and the child.
Why is it so difficult for children? Because the brain is not fully developed, children are actually limited in abstract language and truth, and more will feel the world through instinctive perception and feeling. The perception of emotions is the way for children to obtain each other's attitudes.
If the other party is serious, the child knows that the moment is a tense atmosphere;
If the other person smiles, the child understands that the moment is allowed, that he is recognized, and that he is doing the right thing;
If the other person is angry, the child will realize that his words and deeds may be wrong, or offend others, should pay attention....
If we only use the expression of gentleness to cope with all the situations of the child, the child has no way to speculate whether his behavior is reasonable through the feedback of the mother's emotions and attitudes. Your gentle attitude shows that I have no problem with myself, which naturally does not attract the attention of the child and make further adjustments.
It will even make the child have some illusions, the mother is so gentle, I can insist on it a little longer, I have no problem being a demon again, I can also break through a little boundary...
That's why the tug-of-war became longer, and both sides felt that the other was ruthless and unreasonable.
It is better to express their true feelings and attitudes towards things openly and brightly, when the child has done some good things to praise and affirm happily, do not have to avoid doing bad things, the child is allowed to have emotions, and the mother is also.
We should be angry to be angry, we should be angry, and our natural reaction according to things is the key to children's understanding of the right and wrong of things and the extent of things.
Take my daily life and Man man's example, if Man Man accidentally overturned the cup, I will gently tell him that it is okay, just clean up - this expression is to tell Man Man that it is a small thing, just pay attention;
If he refuses to take responsibility, I will seriously ask him to deal with it, telling him that this is not allowed;
If he speaks to others in a commanding manner, lacks respect, and does not change, then I will use a very angry expression and a harsh way of speaking (even reprimanding) to remind Man man that this is not good and must be corrected - indicating that this matter has touched my bottom line.
Everyone thinks that if I use the "gentle and firm" way to speak to Man man in these degrees, then the children will not be able to distinguish the severity of these things, and they will not know where my boundaries and bottom lines are.
Isn't that true?
03
In addition to giving the child an accurate attitude feedback, the normal reaction expression also gives the child the cost of making mistakes.
In human parlance, let the child see that the mother is angry or lose her temper, and must have concerns or know that she is afraid.
In the theory of mental structure, Freud divided the mental structure into three classes: the ego, the ego, and the superego. The superego is the last developing part of the mental structure, referring to the moral conscience and self-ideal part of the personality structure.
The superego of children begins to develop at least at the age of 6, and before that it is the stage of self and self.
I am how comfortable and how to be happy, completely following my own needs, but when the children grow up, they will enter the self stage - if the children have any bad behavior, there will be a sense of guilt in their conscience.
The teacher told us before that this sense of self-morality has a positive effect on helping children improve. But only if you feel guilty and know that you are not acting right. If the parent's attitude is not firm and clear, how can the child know that he has done something wrong?
Therefore, the expression of adults' objective attitudes and emotions also plays a role in reminding children of uneasy conscience.
Also, children need to know the consequences of doing something wrong before they can improve it. We roar babies also help children become better selves.
04
Although it is necessary to roar, don't get out of control!
We can be angry and reprimanded loudly, but we must be within the controllable range, and the indiscriminate taunting of the face of the split head cannot play a very good effect, on the contrary, it will make the child angry and even produce the reverse psychology of breaking the can and breaking the can.
You should know that the roaring baby is to give the child an attitude, a normal feedback, not to find an excuse for the adult to vent his emotions. Because once you fall into the vortex of emotions, it is easier to say uncool, irrational words that can really hurt people and have an impact on children.
Therefore, the premise of the roaring baby is must! beard! reason! sex! If you are not rational, don't open your mouth, sort out your emotions and then speak ~ In this way, rational roaring is the way of education, and it must be reviewed afterwards, so that children understand the ins and outs of our madness, so that children understand our emotional feedback.
Don't know how to control emotions, then look at this one, the experience is ready, directly copy the homework: "Can't help but be mad at the baby? Use these two "spells" to extinguish the fire, and the test is effective! 》
Finally, I have to remind everyone that I am supportive, but remember to give the child more love and understanding, equality and respect in peacetime, only when the child feels enough security and belonging, our less gentle, will be understood by the child.
I am also, usually 90% of gentle and amiable mothers, and only occasionally turn into fierce when full of mistakes.
I also asked Manman, do you think mom is fierce? Man man said that my mother was not fierce at all, and sometimes scolded me because I did something wrong and made a mistake, and it was I who made you angry.
You see, with enough love, discipline and restraint don't turn into resentment, and children will understand our well-intentionedness.