Welcome to the series of courses to read adolescent children and become coaching parents. I am xxx teacher. In the last lesson, where is the secret of deep listening that we shared with you?
So what about this lesson? I'll share some more examples with you. Once? There was a mother, she was very angry, he complained to me about his son, and then, took out his mobile phone, showed me a call between him and his son, then I roughly repeat the following, to everyone to listen: The son said to help me get medicine tomorrow. Mom replied that I would not have time to go to the field tomorrow, and the son asked the father. Mom said Dad was going to take care of Grandma. The son replied, then I have no one to take care of. Mom replied, how do you talk like that? Grandma is Daddy's Mom, everyone's Mom is the most important, and the son has another reply. I understood that mothers are more important than sons. At this time, my mother's reply was, why are you so ignorant, do you know how to respect your elders? Have you ever cared about Grandma? Have you ever understood us? The son's last reply was, I don't want to talk to you anymore, I'm sick and dead.
So my mother took such a message and told me that this child was too ignorant. When you see him talking to his elders like this, he is completely unable to understand everything we have done for him, he will not respect people, and he will feel that this child has learned badly. So I said to this mother, don't be so anxious, don't worry so much, I'll share a tool with you, and then at that time, I shared with him satya's iceberg model, Satya's iceberg model? He has several levels, the first layer, that is, the behavior of the children that we often hear and see, and below, in fact, below the iceberg, there are many, many layers, which are invisible, and what we can't see and hear is that they are real.
That includes the child's feelings, including his views, his thoughts, and his expectations, that is, he hopes that his parents will be how he is, how he hopes that his teachers will be, and that there is a desire in his heart to be loved and respected. There is also a voice at the bottom, just think how I am, and there is a part about life force, about deep longing.
Then I will analyze it with her, when one of his son's iceberg models, that is, when listening to him deeply, will hear what kind of psychological activities he has in his heart, the superficial child is very gambling, said some very angry words, but in fact I went to share with this mother layer by layer, these below his iceberg, when he was inside, he would find that the child's emotions at that time were very disappointed, there were dissatisfactions, there were also anger and grievances, so maybe he would have some ideas That is, I have no one to take care of, I am not important, you can't understand me. There's an expectation in there, [expectation] that I want you to pay attention to my feelings. Someone can give me medicine and help me solve the problem. At the same time, [Longing] is very eager to be valued and loved, so he has a voice at the bottom of his own, "Life Force" I am not loved, I am a child who no one loves.
So when I shared this iceberg with this mother, shared these inner feelings that the child may have, inner thoughts, inner expectations and desires, and even his inner views and recognition of this part of his own life force, the mother suddenly realized, and said, Oh, I am not standing on the same channel with him at all, I misunderstood him, because at that time the mother also had emotions, so when the mother's emotions were stimulated, she could not go to the very right, listening to the child's inner feelings, What happens inside.
So in fact, the two levels of listening, the third level of listening, these parts are outside the language, and we have to feel the child ourselves. What exactly is his implication, so to do this must be our own, very calm, stable, we are very neutral, there is no judgment in the time, to be able to clearly feel and hear this child.
It's like, if a child lies, it's all mom and dad who are very angry, we're disappointed, angry, very sad, how can this child lie? So, when we are in an emotional state, we cannot calmly look at it. Behind this child's lying, what is the underlying voice of the lying? Then I think about it, if a child is lying, and we use the iceberg to analyze it, maybe his inner iceberg may be like this. When he was lying, when he was talking, she was actually very nervous and uneasy, and then maybe he would have an idea that he would be scolded for telling the truth. Because I have tried it in the past, when I said it directly, my parents scolded me, so I simply hid myself. Don't tell the truth, or tell the truth, Mom and Dad will be unhappy, maybe everyone doesn't like me, so he is at the bottom of the bottom, he will have an expectation, in fact, to be accepted, to be accepted by Mom and Dad, look forward to not being criticized, look forward to himself being safe, eager to be safe, to be accepted, eager to be valuable, in fact, the inside is also a voice to call, that is, I hope to become a valuable person. So when you can be very calm, even very rational, very stable to see these bottom parts of the child, maybe the way you can help the child is different.
You will see the child, why does he want to recognize it so much, why is he so entangled? Why would he be so bad inside to deserve himself? Why he had to cover up. Then you will have a lot of curiosity about him.
At this time, maybe you can help him, to correct some of his biased thoughts, to help him, to be able to better establish his own inner values, to help him change his behavior, to help him find a way. I don't lie, when I really express it, I can get the approval of my parents, and I will better get this understanding and recognition from others, so what about the child, you can go slowly and slowly, to a better, that is, a corrective direction? Is that right.
I remember once, there was a boy, there was an adolescent boy, and then he also had a very, very big problem before, and then I coached with him for a while. The child obviously changed a lot, and then he went back to school. Originally, he did not go to school, and then he returned to school, that in the process of going to school, he took the first monthly examination, and actually passed the top ten in the class. Mom and the teachers at the school are very happy, always feel that this child has finally changed from evil, right, and as soon as he returns to the right path, then he will immediately get the top ten, what an exciting news. However, the good times did not last long, and then, before the second monthly examination, this child was like the whole world announced, that is, I must turn in the white paper this time. Usually, if I don't like a teacher, I will hand in a white paper. Like that, his mother was angry, and she felt completely hopeless.
How could this child think like that? The teacher was also even more angry, because he handed in the white paper, which was equivalent to pulling down the average score of the whole class, so everyone did not understand how he could be like this, very angry, very disappointed. At that time, his mother asked me to come and talk to him.
Then when I was talking to him, I asked him a word, I said what are you afraid of, what are you afraid of, then this boy was stunned, he said it was a teacher, I was afraid, I was afraid of something, I was afraid that you all thought I really changed, but I couldn't do it. I'm afraid that my first monthly exam results are luck, not my real grades. I am afraid that my second monthly exam will not be so good and disappoint you. So you look at this prank on the surface of this kid. This kind of incomprehensible behavior, in fact, there is a very big fear, worry, fear, and even the denial of the self. When I saw clearly and heard this part, the child began to go very calmly and communicate with me his true thoughts. So, I can continue to discuss with him. What is behind this fear, what causes him to do this, and then how to do it, you can reduce this worry, and then, do a better, perhaps better to build his self-confidence in a change of behavior.
So, if we can listen to the child at a deeper level, to be quieter, not too quickly to bring our judgment, too quickly to bring our emotions, too quick to bring our accusations in, but to take a deep breath, to relax ourselves, to be curious about the child, to really hear it, you will find that inside, all the treasures, the inner life force, the voices they have in them to call, there are those inside, the desires that are not expressed, so, Let's really settle down and listen to your children. There will be great gains and discoveries.
