The light of warmth and love
Illuminate my heart family
When there are many emotions swirling around in the heart, whether for adults or children, we cannot focus on the present moment, because the mind and life force are unconsciously consumed in processing and coping with those emotions.
Author's Inscription:
Before learning to talk, I was a relatively anxious mother, worried about her child's safety and future, so I tried very hard to prevent problems from happening, but the relationship with my family deteriorated.
Once, I read a passage in Satya's book that profoundly changed my whole point of view:
"Parents in harmonious families anticipate these problems because life is what it is, so they are constantly looking for new ways to deal with new problems that are constantly emerging.
Parents in troubled families try in vain to prevent problems, but in reality there will always be problems, and once the problems come, these people will not have the energy to deal with the crisis. ”
A word awakens the dreamer, which is also a very precious knowledge that I want to teach my children. In the past, I was always worried about the children's one and that, whether they would become the ones I didn't want, and the children felt my anxiety.
Although I was still on the road to learning, when I transformed this idea, the whole person became much easier, and the road to parenting seemed to be less difficult.
Respect for the teacher
Satya model consultant and trainer
"In modern times, it is more difficult for parents to get to know children, who are becoming more complex and at the same time very unique. Although we are particularly familiar with the child's behavior, knowing what he does during the day and night, knowing the child's academic performance, knowing how the child is performing, we are more focused on the child's behavior, and our parenting seems to stop there. ”
Thanksgiving home and
Thanksgiving to meet
Gratitude and acceptance
1
Be "curious" about your mom too.
For the first time, I was exposed to the word "curious". In the conversation, the teacher taught us to be curious about each other's language, but I found that in the conversation with some people, I was not curious, but I wanted to end the bad conversation quickly.
Like me and my mom
Although I knew she loved me
I have tried to understand and accept her from seeing her original family, from seeing the suffering she has experienced; I have also expressed to her: "I feel very uncomfortable with the words of your words full of negativity. ”
I also told myself that if I fulfilled her desires, cared more about her, and made her feel loved, her behavior might change as well.
I tried to understand that she was unconsciously saying something negative, that she didn't mean it, and that I was going to learn to let go of the expectation that she would change.
However, almost every word that comes out of my mother's mouth carries a lot of negative energy to me, and the most common thing I hear from her mouth is, "It's really annoying... ”
Sometimes it makes me think, "In your eyes what I do is wrong, only you are right." ”
Let's say an incident where she asks my daughter to eat a banana, and I pluck one, and she says, "Oh, didn't you see that I had already plucked one and put it on the table?" ”
I said I didn't see it, you can just tell me.
Her response was, don't you have long eyes? I thought you saw it!
Inner os: Here it is again, it is my problem again! I'll even think, I don't need you to affirm me, but at least, is it okay for you not to say anything negative about me?
Every time the conversation with my mother could not continue, my heart was filled with endless irritability and helplessness, unable to express it in words, and I just wanted to end this speechless conversation quickly; in fact, when my mother and I both fell silent, I would constantly reflect on myself and reflect on the tiredness that my mother had suffered over the years:
My mother, after the death of my father more than twenty years ago, took the three of us sisters, exhausted in order to live, every day was drowned in the question of "how to survive"; knowing the age of destiny, the death of the eldest daughter gave the widow's mother a heavy blow; perhaps for such a person whose fate was troubled and suffering, I should be more considerate of her, should care more about her, accept my mother from the bottom of my heart, and understand my mother.
So I have more attempts in getting along with my mother; I no longer mind the words she said that made me uncomfortable in the usual days, no longer competed with her, no longer had the luxury of how much affirmation and praise she had for me, plus more understanding, curiosity, peace, stability, and my relationship with my mother showed the best state in decades, I hope I continue to cheer, my mother should be well.
2
Be the master of emotions
Jingwei teacher combines dialogue with the inner world of the iceberg, forms a practical exercise of iceberg dialogue on the ground, leads parents into the child's iceberg, helps to perceive the real experience and results brought by the child's positive feelings and negative negative feelings in the feelings, learns to acknowledge and express from cognition, and expresses their thoughts, values and beliefs. Also understand what you're really looking forward to? What do you crave? Children all over the world crave love, they need to be recognized, they need to be accepted. Through the iceberg, let children clarify the deepest level of essence and core: the value of their own existence? What is the meaning of purpose in life? Teach parents to open their hearts, open the obstacles of relationships, connect love and freedom, and become a parent who can read people, can speak, and has a happy heart.
My original intention was to learn and become a "curious" interlocutor.
Today, two weeks later, my iceberg is relatively more stable than before. When fluctuating, it is also better to press the pause button and breathe deeply.
But the cute thing is that when the child finds me breathing deeply, he will ask me," Mom, are you about to get angry?" ”
I said yes, I was trying to settle myself down without being controlled by anger.
Yes, when I was stable and peaceful, my children actually calmed down on their own, and I felt the power of stability, which was so magical.
3
Say what you're looking forward to
In the relationship between husband and wife, my sense of security was originally 9 points, and after experiencing the crisis, my sense of security became 6 points.
In the relationship with the child, my sense of security is 7 points, the security of the 10-year-old is 7 points, the 7-year-old is 8 points, and the third year of the 3rd is 9.
Last night, when I was preparing to take Jingwei teacher's live class, the eldest and the second were playing upstairs, the third was around and crying, and the husband didn't know what he was doing in the upstairs room, so I couldn't concentrate on the class.
Originally, I had communicated with my husband in the morning that I was going to have a live class tonight, and asked him to be responsible for letting the baby sleep at night, and he also agreed.
But after the live class started, I couldn't see him, and I began to feel unhappy, angry, disappointed, anxious and aggrieved.
The idea in my heart is that I usually pay so much for everyone, when the eldest and the second line go to class and play games, I settle the third and don't let her disturb, my husband needs to work and rest when he comes home, and I also take care of my three children. Why tonight I just want to have a quiet class, but no one will help me settle in, how everyone has not seen and responded to my needs.
As the teacher said, my iceberg began to shake. Expecting my husband or children to take the initiative to help me, eager to be valued, I couldn't help but yell at the eldest and second elder and say: Can you help me take care of the third elder? Usually I look at her when you are in class, why is it that Mommy is in class today and no one helps me?
At that time, the second eldest immediately responded to me: Here it comes! Then the husband also came downstairs to help.
I suddenly realized that the problem was actually myself. I did not communicate with the children in advance about my needs, but I expected them to take the initiative to discover and respond to my inner needs as children, which is not reasonable.
I didn't tell my husband again that I needed his help, he might have forgotten for a moment, or didn't realize that it was time for me to go to class, and I expected him to remember my request.
And my posture of accusation also puts the blame on others, thinking that it is the fault of others, that they are not paying attention to my inner needs is their fault, that they make me so anxious and angry.
I decided that when I had the same scene in the future, I needed to express my needs in advance in a consistent manner, rather than expecting others to read my inner needs, nor expecting others to take the initiative to help.
To my dear self
I see that you are safe enough, not prone to anxiety, not wary everywhere, get along well with the people around you, and enjoy the moment when you are alone.
I see that you have enough sense of belonging, have been a pistachio at home since childhood, get along well with your sisters at home, grow up with many close friends, be accepted and respected and appreciated, and when friends need advice, they will come to you for help.
I see that you have a very high sense of efficiency, since your father died, you and your mother left your hometown to live in a strange city, you can take good care of yourself, independent and sensible, and will not add trouble to your mother.
I also see that you have enough sense of concentration, can focus on the study of schoolwork, are not easily affected by the things around you, will not go with the flow, will not give up easily, and are a person with strong willpower. You don't resist new things, but you also have a sense of crisis, and I appreciate you.
I see that you also have a sense of meaning, and when the people around you have needs, you will try to help, but you will not let yourself be too tired. You often listen quietly to others, without criticism or accusation, and can bring them a clear stream and even some courage.
You've done well enough, even if sometimes your mother denies you making you feel very uncomfortable and frustrated, but honey, I want to tell you that you have done well enough, I will always accompany you, accept all your good and inadequacies, listen to you, take care of you.
END
NO.1