Author | Tomato Mom
The United Kingdom once did a 70-year documentary tracking, starting in 1946, tracking the growth trajectory of nearly 70,000 children, trying to find out the reasons behind the children's excellence.
The results of the survey show that the children of most ordinary families are influenced by family, social and economic levels and are doomed to a life of mediocrity.
But there are still 20% of children in low-income families who can break the curse of "mediocrity" and successfully counterattack.
The key to the success of this part of the child is that they grew up with their parents.
Dong Qing also said in "Readers":
"Companionship is a force, and in this world, the loss of companionship also loses the meaning of survival."
We will find that all those children who are academically excellent, mentally healthy, confident and independent, and have a rich heart.
Most of their parents do one thing – high-quality companionship.
01
The more attentive the parents are today,
The better the child will be in the future
The University of Michigan once did a survey that scientifically revealed the magic of accompanying children.
The survey shows that what plays a decisive role in the two things that play a decisive role in proper behavior and ranking at the top of the exam is not the number of homework, nor the degree to which parents supervise learning, but the frequency and duration of family meals.
In other words, a child's precious qualities and learning ability are nourished by the warm company of parents.
Former U.S. President Barack Obama is very busy at work, but he still sets aside time to accompany his children growing up, and has never missed any parent-teacher meetings and important ceremonies for his children.
After the birth of the eldest daughter Maria, no matter how busy she was at work, Her mother Michelle would pick up and drop off her children from school every day.
Obama will return to the children as soon as he has time.
When her daughter learned to swim, she became a teacher herself;
When the child is on vacation, take her to the playground to play;
Don't miss out on every important holiday for your kids.
Obama once said:
"I'm not going to be president for the rest of my life, but I need to be a good father for the rest of my life."
Because of this, their two daughters are very confident and excellent, one went to Harvard with her own efforts, and the other entered the University of Michigan.
Companionship is the highest level of family education; parents are the best tutors.
Only when parents accompany them attentively can their children have a promising future.
02
Parents will not accompany,
The future of the child is hugely different
Recently, the epidemic has been serious, and many children have had to stay at home and sit in front of the computer to start online classes again.
Yesterday, a friend complained to me that it was too difficult to take children during the epidemic.
I was intrigued and asked her how she took the baby?
Friends said that she was really broken, worried that the child would not pay attention to the lesson, almost every half an hour, she would push the door in to supervise.
Once she saw the child snoozing, or stealing snacks, she would not be able to control her emotions, count the children, and then simply move a chair to supervise him.
The children in the next door are also studying at home, but they are quiet and orderly.
On the other end of the phone, the friend was indignant and did not understand;
But after I listened, instead of sympathizing with her, I sympathized with the child a little.
The friend is indeed accompanying the child on the surface, and he has done everything in detail and done his best.
But she didn't realize that her companionship was done in the wrong way, not only suffocating the child, but also making herself feel miserable.
An education expert once said: "Excellent children are the result of quality education, and problem children are the products of problem families." ”
The wrong way parents accompany them may ruin their children's efforts and potential.
1. Patience is too poor to control emotions.
Warm atmosphere, harmonious parent-child relationship is the premise of family education, but also the background of companionship;
Losing your temper at every turn and losing patience with your companionship will become a dose of "poison" in your child's growth.
2. Preach at every turn.
In the process of communicating with their children, many parents like to preach and reason with a condescending attitude.
Reasoning is actually a kind of authority, ignoring the child's feelings, just hoping that the child can obey.
The result is that the more reasonable the parents are, the more hysterical the children will be, and even bored with their parents.
3. Disturb your child often.
Many parents are either for the good of their children or lack trust in their children, in short, when the children are concentrated, they like to disturb their children every three to five.
This can easily lead to the child's attention that has just been concentrated, which is inadvertently destroyed by the parents.
4. Expect too much and put pressure on your child.
Accompanying a child is not only to make him get good grades on the exams;
It is not that no matter how much effort and attention we put in, we will definitely get the same reward.
So you may wish to calm your mind and treat companionship as an unparalleled journey to grow up with your child.
All in all, accompanying children is about strategy, and "quality" is far more important than quantity.
03
The 5-word rule teaches you to accompany your children with high quality
To help parents improve the quality of companionship, Harvard University has launched an innovative program called Ready 4 Routine, "Prepare for Daily Work."
According to specific social experiments, a "PEERE law" was summarized.
1. Pause – See the demand and respond accurately
Teacher Wu Zhihong once shared a story.
One of the clients is a business executive with a successful career, but as long as he speaks in public, he is particularly nervous, and he always feels that others are not interested in what he says.
Under the guidance of Wu Zhihong, he gradually confided his heart:
It turned out that, for as long as he could remember, his mother always gave him a side face when she accompanied him and chatted with him, busy with her own business, and never looked at him head-on.
It made him often wonder if he was boring about what he was talking about, or if his mother didn't care about him at all.
In his eyes, he is always "not seen."
If a child's inner needs are ignored and there is no accurate response, the child's heart will become colder and colder, and it will gradually alienate the parents.
Companionship is not simply about simply being with the child, but about pausing on other things you are doing, putting yourself into the child, carefully perceiving the child's emotional needs, and understanding his emotions.
Even if it is only a short period of time every day, as long as the child feels your intimate connection with him, companionship is valuable.
2. Engage – Give up leadership and actively participate
Parents accompany their children, not to let the children act according to your ideas, but to find the right entry point to participate in the child's world;
A father from Hebei province found that his son was addicted to mobile games during the epidemic, especially like gun battles;
He did not scold the child and rudely stop his son's behavior, but racked his brains and "robbed" his son with his mobile phone;
In order to attract children, he bought toys such as airplanes, cannons, excavators and other toys for his son, and used these toys to write and direct himself, and made a "military blockbuster".
What plane bombing, tank bunkers, alpine rivers... The scenes are realistic and unambiguous.
The father and son have a lot of fun, and have filmed nearly 300 episodes of the TV series so far.
Accompanying children is by no means based on their own ideas, but fully respecting children's hobbies and interests, and accompanying children to explore the world together.
3. Encourage – Full support, often encouragement
In the 1970s, there was a dentist named Edward in New York who had a son named Mark.
When Little Mark was fascinated by the artistic effects of the film and had the idea of making a movie, Edward encouraged: "Then let's try it." ”
So I bought a handheld video camera, took time out of my busy work, and worked with my son to make my first film.
When he was 10 years old, Mark suddenly told his father that he was very interested in programming and wanted to learn programming.
At that time, the Internet was just emerging, but for his son's novel ideas, Edward responded again: "Let's try it!" ”
In Edward's educational philosophy, as long as the child is interested and willing to try something, he can support it without any obstacles.
Mark was later admitted to Harvard University, where he created a social network, which was Facebook.
And the kid who was encouraged by his father to dare to try new things was The founder of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg.
Xu Xiaoping said:
"Life is about never stopping to explore, and let children find their own nature in continuous exploration."
Parents must respect and care for this nature in order to cultivate a good child. ”
In fact, in the process of accompanying children, children will always ask some whimsical questions, so that parents gradually lose patience.
No matter what the child thinks and what kind of whimsy, as a parent, you still need to look at it with an appreciative attitude and encourage him more.
When you continue to encourage your child to be bold and think boldly, your child may return unexpected surprises to you.
4. Reflect (feedback): - equal communication, timely feedback
Remember seeing a scene in a bookstore:
A mom was picking out books with her 7- or 8-year-old son, and the chattering voice came into my ears:
"What do you see here for?" Not at all;
Oh, how good do you read this book, about history, you can also increase knowledge..."
The little boy was impatient with his mother's words, and finally threw down a sentence of "You just picked it yourself!" He walked straight out the door.
Parents' preaching and control will only hurt the child's heart again and again, and over time, the child will give up communication and choose to carry all the pressure and bitterness on their own.
Dale Carnegie once said:
"Be a good listener and encourage others to talk about themselves."
When accompanying parents, they should regard themselves as a good listener to their children and listen to their children's inner thoughts.
Only by taking equality and respect as the premise, and communicating with children face-to-face and heart-to-heart like friends, can we truly build emotional bridges.
5. Extend (Derivation): - Expand horizons, divergent thinking
I have a girlfriend who is usually busy at work, but she is the most capable of spending time with children I have ever met.
For example, with children doing pottery together, she will first guide:
"What kind of thing do you want to make today?"
In the process, she will explore more shapes and colors with her children, and will also popularize some tips for children;
Finally, review together, what kind of shape is stronger, how to make it more beautiful;
Including going to the zoo, she will discuss with the child the living habits, appearance characteristics, different species, etc.;
Turning what was a boring and monotonous visit into a fun nature tour not only increases the child's interest, but also broadens the child's horizons.
In fact, the highest level of parental accompaniment to children is to open up the child's new world, expand the child's thinking, and broaden the child's vision;
Children are still young, many ideas are not mature, and they are not comprehensive enough, what parents have to do is to guide their children to think from multiple angles and contact new knowledge.
Such companionship is fulfilling, rewarding and valuable.
04
A netizen recalled a scene many years ago and couldn't help but burst into tears:
When she was studying, her mother sat next to her to sharpen her pencils and accompanied her every day to write her homework.
But her mother did not read, only recognized her own name, in order to better accompany her, forced herself to read and read.
I would like to ask, a mother with such vision and patience, how can the child not be excellent in the future?
Children grow up only once, and children grow up much faster than we think.
As Harvard psychology professor Gilbert put it:
"Ten years from now, you won't regret doing one less project, but you'll regret not spending an extra hour with your child."
Pay attention to the video number of old Xue's whole brain early education