Recently, a topic of heated discussion in the Bao Mom group is: At what age does the child start to sleep in separate beds/rooms?
The mother in the group who has achieved "successful room sharing" shares the expert experience she learned from the Internet: 3-year-old bed, 5-year-old room; and encourage other mothers to work hard, strictly implement, can not let the child lose on the starting line on the track of "independent ability".
It can be seen that today's mothers are very concerned about cultivating their children's independence, especially male mothers.
So 3 years old divided into beds, 5 years old room, how is this age determined? What is the scientific rationale behind it?
In fact, these two ages are only reference data based on the situation of most children. Each child's growth rate is different, and the need for intimacy and personal space is also different, and it is not difficult to see from the failure experience of more mothers in the group that this law does not apply to every child.
Sooner or later, the child will be able to sleep on his own for the whole night, just as the child will sit or crawl on his own. They just need time to figure out how to do it, and parents don't have to force intervention in these processes.
Parental intervention can easily take the form of ignoring or denying feelings of fear, and many parents may not realize they are doing it, or we always think it's right to do so. Then even in the process of dividing the bed/room, no matter how much preparation and encouragement are made, it is unconsciously burying hidden dangers for the growth of children.
Children who are not understood, crying and falling asleep or forced to endure alone under pressure do not mean that separation is successful, but as the number of emotional disorders increases, their ability to resolve unpleasant emotions will deteriorate, and their trust in their parents will decrease.
Human beings have feelings first, and then they use their brains to think. So it's important to affirm and take your child's feelings seriously. One of the most important causes of depression in adults comes from childhood, when there is no appeasement from parent-child relationships.
So what is the right thing to do? The core is: to be able to respond well to the child's fear of various separations.
#不急着要求孩子独立 #
Rushing to ask the child to be independent will counterproductively destroy the parent-child relationship, and it will take time and effort to repair it in the future, you may feel that you are encouraging him, but the child will feel that he is constantly pushing away by you, which is more like a punishment for him.
#父母遵循孩子的步调 #
Give your child plenty of time to prepare and let them decide for themselves when and how to separate from their parents, rather than leaving before they're ready.
#建立他的小空间与幸福的联系 #
Let the child associate bed with comfort and happiness, rather than with separation, loneliness, and fear. The hut and cot prepared for him are all good and all that is good, then it will definitely help a little.
#正确的鼓励, the power of encouragement is infinite #
Being deceived, ignored, or manipulated into doing things will definitely affect how children handle future relationships. Give your child courage, accompany him, try to do what he can, and slowly become independent.
Psychology points out that children are not born with the concept of "object permanence", the mother is not around, will feel anxious and afraid, feel the mother's love disappeared. And adults will still feel his presence even if the child is not around.
Understanding this difference, it will be much smoother to do independent guidance step by step. The experience of "gradual advancement of young children's sleep" proposed in "I wish my parents had read this book" is very valuable.
"I wish my parents had read this book"
First of all, before the child is 6 months old, it is not recommended to split the bed and room with the child in any form. This stage is the stage where the child needs the most love interaction.
Second, when the child gradually begins to have the concept of the perpetual existence of objects, he or she begins to try.
Third, observe when and where your child falls asleep and feel safe and secure.
Fourth, gradual withdrawal, such as from hugging to leaning over; from accompanying him in his room until falling asleep to allowing him to turn on a hallway lamp or a night light to accompany him.
Core: Be patient and prepared to get back to the starting point at any stage when the child feels uncomfortable.
When Cookie was three and a half years old, one day when he was playing with toys with him, he said to me for the first time: "Mom, I want to play alone for a while, you always make trouble for me." I happily agreed and told him I would work in the next room and could call me if he needed it.
After a while, during the holiday nap, he would tell me, "Mom, I want to go to the cabin and sleep because I can play Ultraman when I sleep by myself, and play alone with Gricho Ultraman for a while." ”
These are their self-consciousness gradually sprouting, and all we need to do is follow their pace. Observe your child for clues, and you'll usually make the most correct choice.
Develop the habit of being with your child, not educating him or instructing him, but patiently accompanying him to help him solve problems, rather than solving problems for him.