17 life stories of The Sea Blue Happy Home in 2022
The protagonist of the story: YinLi
Written by: Autumn
1
I grew up in a "smoke-filled" family, where the everlasting background sound was endless quarrels and insults between my parents.
Since I can remember, my parents have loved to quarrel, three days a small quarrel, five days a big quarrel, rarely quiet and peaceful times.
“
Parents also love our brothers and sisters, and they always promise:
"When you go to school, we won't argue..."
"When you get into college, we won't argue..."
"When you're done, we'll stop arguing..."
”
But they didn't do it at all, and their parents spent most of their lives almost in quarrels.
As a young man, I tried to impress them, to save them—
I had written tearful letters to them, and in the midst of impulsive despair, I had threatened them with a knife to my neck, but all had failed.
They're still the same, and I can't change them.
Faced with this cloudy and often stormy family, I wanted to escape and escape far away, so I applied for the university in Xi'an and stayed in Xi'an to work after graduation.
Then, the important criteria for finding a boyfriend are: you can't be like my dad, have a good temper, care about me and take care of me.
Later, I was lucky to meet him, and we both settled our small home in Xi'an.
2
I worked very smoothly, I had a good relationship with my husband, and seeing that my parents were older, I took them to Xi'an for them to have a better life.
Unexpectedly, I was almost forty years old, and the most distressing thing was that my parents quarreled, exactly the same as when I was a child.
I hope to be able to "save" them.
There was a time when 80 to 90 percent of the time and energy money I spent to meet their needs.
I still want to change them, especially my father's violent temper, and I believe that only when he gets better, the family will get better.
I carried my parents' relationship on my back and exhausted my toss, but they still went their own way.
When my parents quarreled, my first reaction was confrontation.
I'm angry, I don't make sense with them, and I'll join them in the fight and fight against them. After the end, I tend to be sad for a long time, and my body will be extremely uncomfortable.
Whenever my mother cried to me when she was wronged, her pain and despair were carried on my back.
Behind every sensible child, there are many negative emotions of parents.
Invisibly, I became a "warrior", I wanted to save my mother from the depths of the water, I spoke for her countless times, Fought for her, I was like a brave chicken, blocking the eagle in front, I wanted to protect the mother hen.
The long period of emotional pressure caused my body to be on the verge of collapse, and I felt like a thin horse, desperately trying to pull a heavy carriage, the car not only did not pull, but I myself was about to collapse...
3
Some things can't be avoided, that is, growth.
By chance, I heard the word "over-taking" in Mr. Hailan's self-exploration class.
At that moment, I suddenly realized that I had been over-bearing from childhood to adulthood, bearing the negative emotions of my parents, which not only did not help them, but also made me fall into a deep grievance.
After many times of "letting go of the past" combing and contemplating self-care, I saw my own good intentions and futility, and the person driving the "parental relationship carriage" should not be me, but themselves, that is their life journey.
As a daughter, what I should do is not overburden and not weave family relationships into a net.
Be with them and care for them when they need them. The quarrel is their business, it has nothing to do with me. It's his business that my father is angry, and I'm uncomfortable because he's angry, that's my business.
My mother was gentle and submissive, but my father was a violent temper, so my mother had a lot of grievances and sadness.
I slowly learned to separate me from my mother, I love my mother, but my mother's sadness and discomfort are her business, and her relationship with others is also their business.
The best thing I can do is to support my mother, listen and care, and let my mother speak her emotions freely in an environment that is safe and accepting support, but what I need to do is listen and accompany, rather than being carried away by her emotions and helping her out, that is, crossing the line, will only make things more complicated.
Now my mother still often complains to me about my father or other people, just complaining, just a kind of emotional catharsis. I just listen, I don't participate.
Now I have no accusations against my parents, only permission and acceptance.
4
After I studied, I also slowly understood my father.
His capricious emotions come from his original family and are not loved from an early age, causing him to pay special attention to the opinions of others.
The father was extremely sensitive.
Once I was talking to my lover, and he didn't hear what we had said before, and he thought we were saying that he was not good, and immediately became angry, like an angry lion.
I was terrified and wanted to maintain my father's image in front of my lover, so I comforted him, but it made him even more violent.
He is very concerned about whether others say that he is not good, that is because he was not liked by his parents since he was a child, he lacks love, in order to get the attention and approval of his parents, he works hard and tries to prove himself.
After seeing this, I felt sorry for him, and he especially needed to be seen, understood, cared for and recognized by others.
As a result, I often see my father's goodness, tangible or intangible affirmation, giving him the acceptance and love, respect and permission he needs.
Praise him in details, such as "Daddy's dish is really delicious", "Grandpa specially left for his grandson to eat delicious, how much Grandpa loves his grandson"...
I want to change the father, that is impossible, only acceptance, the father is such a person, his temperament and pattern is like this.
Father's temper is like a dark cloud floating in the sky, it will come and go.
When he loses his temper, I don't fight, but go back to myself and accompany myself.
I am in a calm state, I can still calmly reply to him, treat him gently, still love him and care about him, even if I see that he is in a bad mood, I will not kidnap myself, so he is now losing his temper less and less frequently.
When we really change and change the way we treat others, others will change with them.
5
I also act as a lubricant for my parents.
They would quarrel when they cooked a meal together.
Once they had a fight in the kitchen, and I advised my mother, "You pick his fault, he is not happy, you quarrel, and as a result, he leaves when he is angry, and there is no one to help you." You praise him a lot, and someone to help you. ”
I took my mother to see more of my father's goodness, less faulty, more affirmation and encouragement, mutual seeing and affirmation, and became the main line of getting along.
Later, sometimes the father looked for a stubble, and the mother would leave wisely.
I also told my mother about the red, green and yellow light of emotions.
When Dad got angry, Mom would whisper, "Oh, this guy has a red light now, I'll hide a little, don't fight him, and in a moment this moment will pass." ”
There is also a very typical example.
Once my parents took the train to Beijing, out of the station to check the two-dimensional code, but the old man will not use it, the father let the mother take the fast track, his original intention is to protect the mother safely out of the station, he came to break the back.
But mom suspected that he was pointing in the opposite direction, and the two quarreled as soon as they came and went.
If only they had been unhappy in the past, they would have dispersed and gone home.
But this time I reminded my mother in time: "Dad is doing this to protect you, put you first, you still blame him, pick him wrong, you have to see Dad's love and protection for you." ”
The husband also helped from the side, saying that dad is really like a hero, let the wife go first, and cut off after himself. Mom smiled when she heard it, and she also felt that in fact, Dad loved her and protected her.
This unpleasantness quickly dissipated.
6
We were three brothers and sisters, and my parents spent the longest time with me.
My father saw my growth, and now he grows with me, and he meditates with me every day, and he practices it very seriously.
He also grows vegetables in the vegetable garden, raises cats and walks dogs, and has a very pleasant life.
When I have inner strength, calm and gentle treatment of him, he loses his temper less often. He also became gentle and patient, and his hair was much longer than before.
Parental relationship is their business, we do not want to intertwine the relationship between the family into a net, but everyone to do their own good, handle their own relationship, so that it is clear and smooth.
7
For example, in our family of five, how to handle the relationship between the lover and the father is also a big problem.
It's hard to put into words.
My father was very stubborn, especially stubborn.
Everyone talks about a thing, and if they don't see him differently, he will be anxious, even angry, so we all let him and not argue with him.
In life, my father also had a bad habit of throwing things around.
My husband is a Virgo and has mild cleanliness.
When he saw my father littering the comb that stuck to his hair, he was very uncomfortable and couldn't help but grumble at me.
I used the theory of learning to tell him: "Whoever is uncomfortable is the business of whom."
You see the comb lying around, it's uncomfortable, that's your business, you need to fix it.
There are three options to choose from: one is that you go to tell the old man, let him change the old problem, and put it back in place when he is finished; the second is that you put up with it yourself; and the third is that you clean up. ”
"It is impossible to change others, but whether you are happy or not is in your own hands."
Later, my husband developed the habit of cleaning up with his hands, and there were fewer complaints.
Who is uncomfortable is a matter of who is, not only to others, but also to myself.
My husband is fine in every way, except for one thing I can't stand: he likes to stay up late and play games.
I used to nag him and forbid him to play games, but since I learned, I've also demanded from myself "who's upset."
Through meditation and emotional stress release exercises, I slowly saw the essence of things: he played games not greedily, but wanted to relax, usually work stress, games are a way for him to relax.
After seeing his needs, I stopped asking for him, but replaced him with a comfortable chair and a high-profile computer.
Invisibly, we got closer, and the number of times he stayed up late to play games gradually decreased.
In the past, when my husband was in a bad mood, I was always eager to help him analyze, give him advice and suggestions and even guide and accuse, and at this time, he often shut up and was unwilling to say it again.
In fact, what he needs is not advice, but listening and caring, and then I will talk less and listen more, I will only say: "You are really not easy, I will always support you", or I will point out where he is doing well and maintaining goodness and integrity.
8
I used to worry that my parents' quarrels would affect my son's growth.
But after I calmed down, I had the wisdom to deal with these kinds of events: the family is also diverse, comparable to a small society.
I would tell my child that it is normal for everyone to have different views of other people, and that everyone's judgment will be different in different emotions.
When people are in a bad mood, the judgments they make are often biased.
We have to allow others to speak differently, but most importantly, we must have our own judgment and learn to observe for ourselves.
We must see the love behind the behavior of our families, respect the differences of each person, and be brave enough to express our own voices.
I also often encourage my son to say love out loud.
It also has to do with my childhood experiences. Whenever I coughed when I was a child, my father would get angry and even yell at me: "If you cough again, I will throw you out." ”
I was very aggrieved, I was already so uncomfortable, my father still did this to me, he must not love me.
I am now an adult and my own mother, and when I think back to my father's impatient voice at that time, I see the concern behind it.
For this, I also went to talk to my father specifically, and he said that every time he heard me coughing, he was particularly anxious, especially worried that my coughing so violently would make my lungs cough, so he impatiently asked me to hold back my cough, hoping to make the damage to my lungs lighter.
It turned out that he loved me, but he wouldn't express it, and his fatherly love was simply the opposite of the fatherly love that I expected in my heart.
Love needs to be expressed, otherwise it may be misplaced.
I teach my children to always express their love out loud, but I don't ask my father, who is in his sixties and has his own way, and even if he doesn't say it, there is a deep love behind it.
The way to express love may be different, but love is always there.
9
This is the story of me and my parents, if I hadn't learned to grow, I might have been over-taking on it, not only dragging down my body and emotions, but also not helping my parents' relationship.
In recent years, the media, film and television, and various books and periodicals have had various discussions and reports on the trauma and harm caused to the original family and parents.
But it's not enough to just talk about trauma and injury, it can even lead to secondary or triple injury trauma.
It's like going to the hospital for surgery and only opening the wound and not stitching it up.
When it comes to trauma and injury, it's important to focus on healing and creation at the same time.
Without healing and creation, discussion is the process of unraveling wounds again and again, with the result of separation, isolation, resentment, blame, and attack on others.
There is no perfect birth family in this world.
No matter what kind of family you were born into, it is your only family. You are still alive and must have been pampered and nurtured in this family.
As for the question, which family does not have a problem?
I believe that every parent has done everything they can to give us what they thought was best.
What we have to do is how to create our own lives with what we already have, not where they are to blame for their mistakes.
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