When it comes to the way children express anger and dissatisfaction, the first thing we think of may be tantrums and crying.
However, in life, there is also such a phenomenon: children behave very well-behaved and obedient, but there will always be some "inexplicable" behavior:
Obviously, the last bite of food that can be eaten must always be left;
Urging him to go faster, he is not in a hurry, surprisingly slow;
You ask him anything and he's either silent or answers it/casually/doesn't matter;
What is even more infuriating is that every time he makes a mistake and criticizes him, he always accepts it with an open mind, but resolutely does not change.
These behaviors, rather than losing their temper and crying positively, make parents feel angry and speechless.
In fact, psychology calls this kind of soft and hard behavior of not eating and deliberately contradicting it as "stealth attack".
American psychologist Tim Murphy made this definition in the book "Invisible Attack":
The weaker party in the relationship expresses the anger accumulated by unequal status to the stronger party through indirect means such as delaying, avoiding, deliberately provoking, and secretly retaliating.
In the family, parents are often the stronger party, while children are relatively weak.
Their anger and dissatisfaction, but they cannot express it directly, will appear in this roundabout way.
How to identify a child's "stealth attack"?
To keep your child away from "stealth attacks," you must first learn to recognize the most common behavioral manifestations:
Refusal to communicate, pretending to be deaf and dumb, not expressing emotions, and being indifferent to parents;
When encountering problems, like to escape, inexplicably drop the chain;
Superficially obedient, but like to be perfunctory, always easy to promise, but often reneging on words;
Talking with a gun and a stick, he likes to be sarcastic, sarcastic, and deliberately provoke others.
When children exhibit these behaviors, perhaps, we should stop and look at them:
Have you been "invisible attacked"? Is there something wrong with getting along with children?
Why do children make "stealth attacks"?
Observations have found that the more unequal the parent-child relationship, the more likely the child is to have "invisible attack" behavior, often manifested as:
Parents are too strong, control too much over their children, and only rely on their own ideas and wishes to discipline and arrange everything for their children;
Parents are more strict and picky, often unaccustomed to some of the child's behavior, often accusing the child;
Children's feelings and thoughts are often not respected, ignored and denied;
Parents do not allow their children to show anger, anger and other emotions, and they cannot see that children are dissatisfied with themselves.
In such a family, children have always been controlled and strictly disciplined by their parents, but they dare not directly resist, but they have always accumulated anger and dissatisfaction in their hearts, and they will vent their inner emotions by means of superficial obedience, but delay in action, slowness, "yang and yin violation", and deliberate mistakes.
But all along, many parents have an emotional cognitive misunderstanding, believing that "controlling" emotions and suppressing anger is a manifestation of children's high emotional intelligence. This is also the reason why "stealth attacks" are easily ignored by parents.
There are also some parents with an impatient personality and a violent temper, not only do not realize that their own discipline methods are wrong, do not want to guide their children to express their emotions correctly, but on the contrary, they will think that the children are simply slow, and even feel that the children are stupid, and then continue to urge, teach, and harshly criticize the children.
In the long run, children will not only often feel ashamed in the parent-child relationship, their self-esteem is extremely low, but also will use "stealth attack" as a habitual means of secretly controlling each other, and when they grow up, they will not only encounter many social obstacles, but also frequently encounter walls in the workplace.
"Stealth attack" is a child fighting for autonomy
The psychological needs behind children's "invisible attack" behavior are actually the desire to have the autonomy of their own growth, and hope that their feelings and ideas can be respected and accepted.
The scene depicted in the picture book "I'm a Little Kid, I Like to Pretend Not to Hear" is very representative:
The alarm went off, my mother rushed me over and over again, and I rolled over and went to sleep in a blanket.
Dad told me to brush my teeth, and I sat motionless, yawning, scratching my arms, pretending not to see Dad's staring eyes.
After breakfast, my mother said "you're going to be late" 3 times, and I slowly picked up the milk cup...
We often say: the more you urge, the slower the child. Perhaps the inner principle is that many children will be like the little girls in picture books, in a way that pretends not to hear, and tells their parents that I want to arrange my own life.
Although our arrangements are for the good of the child, the child may feel distrust, restraint, or even suffocation.
Children in a vulnerable position do not dare to directly clash with their parents and want to win their freedom. So they are like little turtles, shrinking into thick shells and resisting parental manipulation in a "non-violent and uncooperative" manner.
But if parents can't understand this, can't adjust their education methods in time, the child's heart will only become more and more depressed, feel that they are not accepted and valued, lack of growth space, parent-child relationship will become worse and worse, and is not conducive to the healthy development of children's psychology and personality.
People do things in an avoidant way for a long time, and eventually become unhappy and often resentful. Over time, it will cause a lot of physical and mental diseases. For example, depression, anorexia, etc., more serious will also hurt themselves. - "Stealth Attack"
How do parents respond to "stealth attacks"?
If a child is already showing signs of an "invisible attack", how should we respond?
First of all, it needs to be clear: parents should work with their children to defeat the problem, not to stand against the child.
We and our children are not on the opposite side of losing and winning, right and wrong. When children encounter difficulties, we look for ways and provide suggestions to solve problems and grow together.
Allow your child to express anger, dissatisfaction, and other emotions
Between parents and children, children will be angry, dissatisfied, disappointed because of some of the parents' behavior, which is a very normal and common thing, parents as long as they think about it in a different position, they can accept and understand.
Therefore, in the process of educating children, parents should treat children with an equal and respectful mentality, attach importance to his feelings, allow children to express anger, and help children recognize their emotions and manage emotions correctly.
For example, gently ask the child: "Are you angry because your mother does not let you eat ice cream?" "Do not ignore, reprimand, or prevent the child's emotional expression, wait for the child to calm down, and then explain the reason why you can't eat."
In addition, parents themselves did not do a good job, should have the courage to admit their mistakes to their children: "Dad said good to pick you up forgot, I'm sorry." "Even if the child is angry for a while, he will soon forgive his parents."
Children who are allowed to express emotions are mentally healthier and have higher emotional intelligence.
Let go appropriately and give back the autonomy of growth to the child
Many parents always like to command and control their children, let him write homework, go to interest classes, read, make friends and so on according to their own arrangements.
And children have long been under such strict discipline, without a little right to choose and decide, lack of free space, will fall into boredom, rebellion.
We should all understand that raising children is a process of slowly letting go.
Parents only need to grasp the general direction, give their children the right to make their own decisions on specific issues, and respect their ideas. Moderate autonomy, more than the arrangement of everything, can cultivate children's independence and sense of responsibility.
Less critical accusations, more encouragement and appreciation
Some parents have high requirements and expectations for their children, and they always can't help but criticize their children. But every child craves the warm love of their parents and wants to be affirmed, supported and appreciated by their parents.
Children who are always criticized and denied will have feelings of inferiority and powerlessness over time, feel that they are not loved, and constantly deny their own value:
"Why am I not satisfied with how my parents are?"
"Why am I so bad?"
This negative mentality will reduce the enthusiasm and enthusiasm of children to do things, more and more slack, "anyway, what I do parents are not satisfied, simply give up the effort", so there will also be "stealth attack" behavior.
Therefore, we must encourage and appreciate the child more, let the child feel love and acceptance, he will have more courage, self-confidence, behavior in a positive direction, and make himself better.
Psychologist Wu Zhihong once said: Passive attack is the weapon of the weak.
Behind the problems of indifference, procrastination, toughness, etc., is a soft, fragile heart that longs to be seen.
It is a way for children to attack, but also a signal to parents for help.
We all need to remember that when children are least lovable, they need to be loved the most.
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Some of the materials in this article are synthesized from the growth tree, Qian Zhiliang studio, small steps at home early education, etc.
Edit: The water horse is not at home
Reviewer: Pleasing to others