Excerpt from "Be an Imperfect Parent"
Biennashi said: Today we talk to you about it, in the traditional moral concept of "for the sake of children, give up their own lives" is praised and encouraged, but the author of this article shared with us a refreshing point of view: first achieve yourself, can achieve children. For children, the best love is self-love first.
"When I was studying for my master's and doctorate at Columbia University, I had three children, three, four and five years old. I was working full-time while studying. I often opened the bow left and right, my right hand helped the eldest and second elder to take vegetables, and my left hand held a spoon at the same time to the third elder's mouth, and it was difficult to finish feeding the children, and I hurried to work and class.
Every time the insecure second saw me pick up my handbag and put on high heels, I immediately cried loudly, and the hoarse cries ran through the floor, making my brother and sister cry every time, three small faces wrinkled into a pair, and the three cried into a ball, which made people feel painful. ”
Give up the maternal love of your life
It will only suffocate the child
My parents also used to make me think about giving up on my goals, but, along the way, I ended up sticking with my studies and work. Because, I know, if I gave up my job and ideals at that time, I would regret and regret in the future, and these regrets may turn into dissatisfaction, making me have a negative feeling of "it's all because of you" towards innocent children, and even blame the children.
The idea of parents "bowing down to their children, making cattle and horses" is natural, and it is also in line with the traditional Chinese idea of "sacrificing the small self and completing the big self". Therefore, many parents may take for granted the idea that "I gave up my life for the sake of my children", but in fact, it is a plausible vicious circle.
Many parents later regret it, turning their original decisions into an incomparably heavy shackle on the child, bringing the child a sense of pain and guilt, and the parents themselves suffered deeply, so the two fell into this vortex of inextricable self-extrication, and the cycle of reincarnation. The love that suffocates each other is not love.
Sacrificing oneself and achieving the traditional virtues of children not only fail to achieve children, but also put children under great pressure, and also create very unhappy parents. Unhappy parents only create unhappy children.Happy parents will have happy children - and I am convinced that there is a very important concept in psychology called "self-care", that is, to love yourself.
Mom's happiness
It is the best gift for children
When we don't love ourselves enough, it is ourselves who collapse first, which is like the flight attendants who will emphasize when demonstrating flight safety: "If there is an emergency, the adults themselves wear the oxygen mask first and then help the child put on the oxygen mask." If you can't take care of yourself, how can you help others?
However, parents always think of their children first and forget their own needs. Asian mothers are particularly undercaring for themselves, both for cultural reasons and for gender reasons. Asian culture has always regarded sacrifice as a virtue and has given women the role of "perfecting the virtue of others".
Therefore, in Asia, the complete sacrifice of their mothers for the sake of children and families is highly praised and praised, but when we forget our own needs and sacrifice ourselves for the sake of the whole world, we will only be exhausted, and everyone's endurance is limited.
So since I know that work and study will bring me fullness, confidence and happiness, I also believe that my seriousness is the best example for my children, and my happiness is the best gift for my children, so I insist on my decision and continue to pursue my ideals.
Perhaps it is also because I am busy and cannot always "accompany the waiter", but give the child the space that he should have, and the child develops an independent, serious and active personality very early. Along the way, of course, there are times of exhaustion and setbacks. When I need to rest, I often take a train out of town alone from New York's quaint Grand Central Terminal.
I like to pick the railway along the Hudson Valley northbound this railway line against the mountains and rivers, starting from the noisy midtown of Manhattan, rumbling under the dark ground + more than a minute after the surface surfaced, suddenly the willows are dark and bright, the beautiful river valley hits me full of love, the river is vast and soupy, I ride the clouds, negative blue sky, ride the sun and moon, swim away from the sea.
Looking at this big mountain, the small setbacks at work, academics, and family are really insignificant. The train rhythmically travels towards the northern country of Canada, and the tracks arc down the mountain and fall back to the river. I like to sit by the window, watching the river under the curtain because of the vibration of the train wheels, gently bursting into ripples, is the girl's dimples sometimes meet the sunset of the long river, the sunset twilight.
I would even open the window and watch the lights rise in the evening breeze. Idyllic self-sufficiency is not selfish at all, it is a short two hours, I only bring myself and my own shadow.
In fact, we are not so great, enough to create anyone, parents can do is to take care of themselves, in order to have spare energy to take care of their children. We are not omnipotent, but taking care of ourselves first is something we can all do.
If fathers and mothers can live their lives well, do not give up their dreams, they are happier, the relationship with their children is natural and beautiful, with a good parent-child relationship, children will naturally grow up healthily!
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