"If you want to live a lifetime and a couple, it is usually not Romeo and Juliet's dog blood that you have to overcome, but the dispute between tea, rice, oil and salt, and those emotions that accumulate from small things are the biggest enemies of love." 」
Aya: Producer and host representative work "Strange Life", "It's a pleasure to know you"
Do you believe in love?
A friend once said to me, "It's not hard to talk about a year-long relationship, but it's hard to talk about a relationship that's been in love for more than ten years." ”
The second season of "Glad to Know You" has just finished broadcasting on Douyin, and Zhou Xun and I went into big cities to see how young people living in cities deal with the big topics facing several eras: socializing, renting, love, between generations, stress, occupation, life and death. I admire the way young people approach life, they think deeply, they are honest about their feelings, they have a vision and a daze for the future, and hope for infinite possibilities. Among them, this issue about love has aroused many discussions among female friends, Anda is a magazine focusing on women, so this time we will talk about some thoughts on love through this episode.
Friendship
In the show, we met three couples and a single woman, and the three couples were at different stages of their relationship: The Beijing boy Lao Wang was about to go to the end of the world for love, leaving his hometown where he grew up to go to Iceland, ending the long-distance relationship and getting married to his fiancée; Egg Egg and Lao Xiao were newly married and were about to meet their first baby (a few days after we visited, their baby landed on the ground); Thirteen Niang and The Doctor were married for 6 years, their baby had just turned 4 years old, and the two were working with their mother-in-law with children The single Jiugu, who had previously remained open and had no fixed partner, had recently begun to crave a stable and lasting relationship, and we went on a blind date with her. Here, is there a similar emotional stage to yours?
No matter at what stage, love is a big subject for women to grow, because its feelings are too strong, beautiful but also mixed. The cruel fact is that the enthusiasm of the electric light stone fire will not always exist, pheromones also have its timeliness, and the real test of love is the beginning after the hot love period; as Zhang Ailing said: "Feelings are so fragile, they can withstand the wind and rain, but they can't withstand the ordinary." "If you want to live a lifetime and a couple, it is usually not Romeo and Juliet's dog blood to overcome, but the dispute between tea, rice, oil and salt, and those emotions accumulated from small things are the biggest enemies of love."
The lovers of the thirteenth lady and the doctor should be the representative of many couples at this stage of their relationship. Their love period is very sweet, deng and complementary personalities; the smart doctor can always give good advice when thirteen niang encounters problems, thirteen niang appreciates and worships the doctor, the doctor tolerates and loves her, and the two enjoy a good time for the two. After marriage and children, the world of the two slowly decreases, in addition to busy work but also to take care of each other's family, monthly expenses, baby education, arrange family matters, commuting to work...
The big and small things of life make the two of them spin in a row. Love is no longer a matter of two people, but everything about two families plus this small family, which makes two people breathless. Before going to bed, it was the only two time that Thirteen Niang and the Doctor had left, but after a day of tossing and turning, the two could not lift the strength to talk, and often fell asleep after playing with their mobile phones. Gradually, the thirteenth lady began to wonder, is marriage really the graveyard of love?
In general, women are more sensitive to love and pay more attention to details, and when the sweet details are reduced, the complaints in their hearts will increase. For a while, the thirteenth lady was frustrated by her work and was in a bad mood, and wanted to ask the doctor to go to the string chat to listen to his advice, just like before. Finally, after the child's mother-in-law fell asleep, she asked the doctor, who told her that the child was still young and woke up to find that no one around her would cry and disturb the mother-in-law, and that it was best to get up early in the middle of the night and get up early tomorrow. That refusal made Thirteen Niang sad and disappointed. Aren't the doctors doing their best for their feelings? Absolutely, his refusal was well-intentioned, and he wanted the tired two to sleep more, but he did not expect that the thirteenth lady at that time needed more psychological dependence than the rest of her body. Thirteen Niang will also miss the doctor's kindness: every day the doctor is busy, he will take time to send a message to the thirteenth niang, asking her if she has eaten? How about today? Thirteen Niang said that she had always seen it and replied, and often forgot to reply to the message.
We are happy and satisfied because of the small actions of the other party, but we forget that the other party also needs our response to feel the joy of giving. Whether it is a thirteen-year-old lady or a doctor, life is not easy. I understand the feelings of the thirteenth lady, is the girl to become a woman in the process of breaking the cocoon, at that time there was a feeling and sent a message to her: "Seeing your efforts for the family, thinking of you commuting to work for four hours a day, worrying about your children, worrying about your parents, and warming your heart to your mother-in-law, it is really not easy to think about the family at this time. You laugh nicely, the corners of your mouth exude cuteness and happiness; the way you cry is heart-wrenching, it is the helplessness of a girl who struggles to grow up in reality for love. When I had my own small family, I found that I had to go through the tempering of this strict mentor in reality to shield my family from the wind and rain. But we have faith in you! Because you can feel how deep your love is, how hard you work for love, I believe that all the tears that have flowed will become diamonds that embellish life. Come on! hug! "Big hugs to all women who work hard for love.
Zhou Xun said in the program that her experience is that "love cannot be lazy", you can't say or don't do it because you are used to it; you can't take it for granted that the other party should understand. I also believe more and more in the phrase "love needs to be managed". In the past, I didn't think much of this sentence, thinking that love should be a natural thing without pretense, and "management" sounded very deliberate.
But now I realize that a long-term love needs to be taken care of with heart, and sometimes even deliberately remind yourself to see the little bit of the other half in life, pour a glass of water to get something, occasionally pick up work, and leave a lamp in the middle of the night, which is a manifestation of love rather than a matter of course; remind yourself to look at each other with fresh eyes, don't forget why you admired him in the first place.
After spending a long time with a person, it is easy to look at each other with habitual eyes, and then gradually those things that initially make people feel good and sweet become the norm in the future. In the program, there is a lecture by psychologist Teacher Yu on the relationship between the sexes, and he said that it is the nature of species to have no passion for a long time. People are inertial animals, and if you want to think against inertia, you must "change your use", which means that if you and your partner watch TV and sleep after eating every day, one day suddenly become a walk or a movie after eating, then that kind of fun and freshness will appear. This change is "changing the use", and it is also what Zhou Xun said about "not being lazy", which is a deliberate arrangement.
One of my favorite books is The Art of Love (which seems to have been mentioned last time, and it seems that it has had a profound effect on me), which says, "Love needs to be learned." Most people think that the problem of love is mainly the problem of being loved, but they do not think of the problem of love, and they do not think of the problem of their ability to love. He also said: "There is respect in love, respect is not fear and awe; respect is gaze according to etymology, I know others according to his appearance, and I hope that the person I love will grow and develop for himself, not to make him conform to my will and use." ”
Every sentence of this book is a golden sentence for me, it has changed my state from waiting for someone to love me to constantly learning the ability to love, if you are also eager to learn to love, I recommend reading this book! It was thin and to the point, and it made me understand that the practice of love can say very little with the mouth.
The Art of Love
Love is very profound and important, it liberates us from a deep sense of loneliness, a good love will make people grow, make life thick and broad, a person who understands love will respond to each other's needs healthily, and the most important thing is to love others before loving themselves, give not sacrifice, but because of the abundant natural sharing of their own hearts.
True love is to see the whole world through one person; false love is to give up the world for one person. I'm also trying to learn about love, and I don't have the right to say too much, just share a little shallow understanding. Finally, I would like to share a children's book story that I like very much, although it is a children's book, but it has a profound understanding of life, and I hope it can also bring you some inspiration.
There was a circle missing a corner that was incomplete, and he was very unhappy. So he set out to find the lost corner. He walked a long way, first encountering a horn, and when he happily clamped that horn, he crushed it because he was trying too hard. Later, he met a corner, and he learned the lesson of the last time, not to clamp too tightly, but this time it was too loose and the horn fell off. After all the hardships and enduring the sun and rain, one day, he found a suitable horn, and clamped it loosely just right, they became a circle, he was so happy! He finally became a complete circle! Rolls fast and smoothly with the horns. So they roll faster and faster...
After rolling like this for a long time, I suddenly felt a little lost. He found that he could no longer sing slowly as he had before, traveling alone without restraint, because he was too focused to become a round roll that he could not stop to admire the scenery around him. So that circle, gently lowering that horn, they gave each other blessings. From then on, the circle without the horn no longer rushed to find the horn, but did not hurry, admiring and appreciating the scenery it was experiencing.
This is "The Lost Corner" by children's book writer Shel Silverstien, and he also wrote another book, "The Lost Corner Meets the Great Consummation", which friends who like can check it out. May everyone's life be filled with love!
The Lost Corner
The original article was published in the March 2022 issue of Harper's Bazaar
Editor: Li Jin