Text / Kaforniay
Recently, Xiao Tong's mother died of a headache.
The daughter is 14 years old and is particularly disobedient. Also unauthorized use of pressure money to buy what facial cleanser, body milk, poor academic performance to death, can not fight, can not say, why the psychology so many small nine nine nine, why the brain is not good, why not and other students, concentrate on learning.
After reading a bunch of blogger experts on the Internet, the good words are exhausted, the mouth is broken and it doesn't work, the child just doesn't listen, locks himself in the room every day, and doesn't let me enter the house.
Can't eat out, and especially loves to play with mobile phones, as soon as you say him, he loses his temper. I'm so afraid that her next step is to learn bad kids who skip school and skip school. Sad to die, to have the next life, not to get married and have children, too difficult to manage.
The counselor asked Xiao Tong's mother, can you give some examples of children who are excellent and good at it? Xiao Tong's mother couldn't say anything.
Are children worthless in your eyes?
"No, I am for her own good, worried that she will go the wrong way and blame me, for her to read good books with better capital and a better future." I have to help her correct her flaws. ”
Who is not, parents blindly good to their children, is incomparably correct, but the problem lies in the angle and method.
First, how the mother-daughter contradiction developed
The above case caught the 14-year-old daughter's unauthorized use of the old money to buy more feminine daily necessities, which caused her mother to be strongly disgusted and angry.
Maybe it's just that the mother is too far away from her adolescence, and she doesn't understand that girls' love of beauty is related to self-esteem, and loving beauty is not shameful. And education is too anxious, the desire to control is too strong, and the pressure of old money can actually give children free play;
Perhaps at a deeper level, the mother's female consciousness from childhood was snuffed out early, making her feel that it was a shame for girls to love beauty, and femininity could only be suppressed, so in her educational policy, girls should not develop femininity.
I also have ambivalent feelings for my mother in my own heart.
When things are good for affection, it's okay to discuss and chat together; but when I hear her loud self-talk, controlled behavior everywhere, words that can easily irritate me, I get disgusted.
Only reduce the psychological and geographical links between them.
I can't change her words and behavior, I can't take the initiative to compromise or be humble, I can't change the relationship between my mother and me, but I don't want my relationship with my children to become like this in the future.
I used to discuss my doubts with a friend, and she was just like me. But then she learned a trick and slowly eased the relationship.
But deep down she just doesn't want to face her, that is, to complain about her control freaks and domestic violence when she was a child. Knowing that it is wrong to blame the mother for such harsh accusations, but still not fully face them and solve these problems. What should I do?
Second, the influence of the mother's role on the daughter
The role of mother has a very important impact on the growth of sons and daughters, and for the growth of girls, it is more meaningful to the direction of gender awareness.
1. Shape the female social role awareness of the daughter
An excellent mother role model will definitely pass on her good wishes for the pursuit of life and society to her daughter, which can be active work to create social value, or she can have children and take care of the family, which is great.
Guide her to pursue the life she wants and cultivate excellent, independent and happy girls.
2. Emotional contagion, teaching the daughter the ability to perceive happiness
A complaining, depressed, anxious mother must not be able to raise a positive and optimistic girl.
Most mothers do not notice that their own neglect, disapproval of girls' emotions, and their words and attitudes such as femininity are quietly affecting girls, and even affecting girls' future mate choices and marriages.
3. Disturb the girl's self-gender identity
If the relationship with the mother is not good, or the mother prefers sons to daughters, it is very likely that the daughter will be rooted in the consciousness of self-loathing, unable to identify with herself, and manifest itself as inferiority, low self-esteem, insufficient intrinsic value, and even misogyny.
As a same-sex person, girls will follow their mother's example, unconsciously observe, learn and imitate everything about their mother, and when they grow up, they will become the same person in the direction of their mother. Therefore, the mother's own thoughts and behaviors are particularly important.
Third, I have always had a bad relationship with my mother and daughter, how to reconcile with my mother when I grow up?
Share what friends did later.
"Because at that time, the eldest was unmarried, and every day I came back to me and said that it was better to wash my feet than to wash my feet, without me, she would live very well, and I hurt her for a lifetime." She was so anxious that I felt worse during menopause for ten or twenty years.
God, I also don't know where the courage comes from, every day to tell my mother, I did not harm my mother, I love my mother, my mother is very good, if my mother always hit me, I will become not good-looking, I will also be uncomfortable, my mother does not want me to be unhappy, just tell my mother this kind of thing every day. ”
The first time she spoke, her mother said she was a neurotic.
In the eyes of the older generation, no matter how capable the daughter is, as long as she is not married and has no children, the mother will not recognize her as an independent adult and will interfere in everything about her.
Then she began to talk about the second and third times, for three months, and for marriage, my friends told her: "For my own marriage, I will definitely be responsible for myself, otherwise how to choose a good son-in-law with you, my daughter has grown up, and she can already be alone." ”
Say this kind of thing every day. In the end, her mother stopped urging her, and may be really relieved.
How to solve the mother-daughter contradiction, escape the shackles of maternal love, and the key to truly being ourselves lies in our girls themselves.
Based on my experience and the ideas raised in Carrell McBride's book The Bondage of Motherhood, here is a summary of how to heal oneself and how to reconcile with one's mother.
1. Give up changing your mother, give up unrealistic fantasies about your mother. Accept your mother's flaws, accept the way she loves you, or even accept that she doesn't love you that much.
2, and the mother to complete the psychological weaning, learn to differentiate themselves, the mother's unfortunate marriage and life is her subject. You have your own life issues.
3, try to get out of the mother's pathological control, in a new, healthy way to get along with the mother, can be separated.
4. Actively develop and build sufficient material fortresses and spiritual wealth, and develop spiritual personality independence.
5) Try to discover your own bad traits and avoid passing them on to the next generation.
We're not her, we could have been better.
—— Author of today ——
Kaforniay
-Featured image- From the network
-Editor- Lin Jiayin
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