Is there smooth communication between you and your child?
Now is an era of "parental difficulty".
Due to the widespread popularity of psychology, both adults and children know that parents are extremely harmful to "going to work without a license". Social opinion has put a lot of psychological pressure on parents. Among them, "parents do not know how to communicate" as a focus of "accusations" by children, especially for parents to become more stressed.
A father once complained to me: "Now what is said on the Internet is a bit too much, and he can't stop saying 'ten words that destroy the parent-child relationship', so that my eight-year-old son also knows the word 'parent-child relationship'."
Once, because he was so naughty, he couldn't help but spank his ass twice, and he actually cried and shouted to me: 'Daddy, you have destroyed our parent-child relationship!' It made me angry and funny, and I didn't start anymore. Teacher you said, this goes on, can this be managed by parents? ”
The people present laughed when they heard his words.
I can understand this father's confusion. In modern society, the role of parents is highly anticipated and demanding, and parents often fall into anxiety. But "correction must be overkill", in the past many years we have been ignoring the needs of children, only talking about orders and not about communication, and now there is nothing wrong with demanding parents.
A mother once said to me in despair: "Teacher, I have tried my best, can you help me persuade him?" ”
"You're the mother of your child, so why don't you try to communicate with him more?"
"He doesn't listen to anything I say, I can't say anything at all." There is a deep generation gap between us. ”
The "generation gap" is what I hear most often and is a reason that most parents often use to evade "communication responsibility."
Another mother once said to me, "Teacher, no matter what I say to my son, his answer is always three words: well, I don't know, and I don't know." What am I going to do? ”
This mother's confusion is very typical. The emergence of a "generation gap" in the process of parent-child communication often becomes the last straw that triggers the emotional breakage of parents. When parents find that their children are not paying attention to their own speech, emotions erupt: yelling, coercion, and even corporal punishment. At this point, communication has actually failed.
Let's analyze why such parent-child communication fails. Here's a simple example: It's time to go to school, and my son is still playing with his phone. When the mother asked her son to put down the mobile phone and quickly pack it up, the son took a look at the school bag and returned to the mobile phone.
Mom: "Hear no, put down your phone quickly, and you'll be late without going out." "I know, wait a minute, it's going to be over in a minute." ”
Mom: "I count three more, one, two, three..."
Son (anxious): "Wait a minute, just..."
Mom (outburst): "What's wrong with you?! How many times have I told you how I just don't listen! ”
Son (crying): "Mom is a bad person! Blame you for losing the game! ”
Mom was even angrier: "You've learned to swear!" "Picked up the pillow on the couch and threw it at the child.
What happened in this little "family drama"? The son wants to go to class and wants to play with his mobile phone, and is caught in a dilemma, which is already very anxious, but he can only resist with anger.
The mother obviously cares about her son very much, worried that her son is late, but she is angry and scolded. Frustrated by the loss of the game, the son put the blame on his mother.
Why is this kind of plot repeatedly staged at home?
Let's take a closer look at satya communication patterns.
First, the three elements of happiness in life
The three elements that determine a person's happiness are health, relationship and wealth, life is composed of various relationships, such as the relationship between parents and children, husband and wife, brothers and sisters, classmates and colleagues, etc. In fact, we have an intimate relationship with us in our life, there are only 30-50 people, our relationship with them is good, basically our life is happy, and in fact, our deepest harm often comes from the 30-50 people who are closest to us. How to make these relationships harmonious and harmonious requires us to learn to communicate well and effectively.
Second, what is communication
Communication, as the name suggests, the ditch is blocked and needs to be unblocked.
In fact, communication is a kind of transmission and feedback process of thoughts or emotions between people. Chinese is a very artistic language, we see the word "communication", the so-called communication is that if the ditch is blocked, the water cannot flow, so the water flow is not smooth. Therefore, communication is that the water must flow through, unimpeded, in order to achieve the purpose of communication. Communication is similar to communication, that is, the exchange of information between each other. The ditch must be opened, the water can pass smoothly, and then information can be exchanged with each other. Therefore, the Chinese word is really beautiful and artistic, seeing this word, you know that communication must be through, the water flow can flow through to a certain extent, and then you can exchange information with each other.
Referring to the passages about speech and communication, in Proverbs 15:23 it is said, "How beautiful it is to respond with the mouth, to rejoice consciously, and to speak in time." "If the words spoken in our mouths are procreative and make people feel comfortable listening to them, we ourselves feel very happy." So we often say good things, not only to make others feel useful, but also to feel very comfortable in our hearts. Another famous passage in Proverbs 25:11 is: "A word that is appropriate is like a golden apple in a silver net." ”
3. Satya mode of communication
Satya is the name of a prominent contemporary American psychotherapist, and her full name is Virginia Satir (1916-1988). Her innovative family therapy genre is extremely prestigious in the world today, and in honor of this pioneer of family therapy, the model was named "Satya Model Family Therapy"
The Satya model is a process of spiritual experience. The biggest feature is to focus on improving people's self-esteem, improving communication and helping people live a more "humane" life. She helps us to understand that every life has a unique growth vein, no matter what kind of experiences and feelings the old growth model brings us, it is worthy of respect, and the ultimate goal of treatment is to achieve "physical and mental integration, internal and external consistency" and achieve the maximum realization of personal potential.
Fourth, the Three Elements of Satya Model Communication
The Satya model communicates three elements: self, others, and situations
(1) "Myself": Inner harmony and being one's own master;
(2) "I" and "the other person": a harmonious relationship;
(3) The interpersonal system (family or organization) in which "I" live: social harmony, harmony, cooperation, cohesion among members of the family or organization, etc.
The Satya model builds a bridge between the profound and extensive psychology and people's daily lives, so that everyone has the opportunity to receive the warm and powerful psychological support of Satya and achieve a new state of life
Five, the four modes of communication under pressure
People are not born to communicate, communication is learned, and most of them are the result of imitating others, we mainly learn how to communicate from our parents, and then become the pattern we are used to. Usually there are four modes of communication in a stressful state: flattery, accusation, super-rationalization, and hitting
1. Flattering type
It accounts for 50% of the population. Pleasing others, only others and the environment, not themselves. Trying to stay away from people who are stressing over you or to alleviate the pressure you bring to certain people.
Words: "It's all my fault", "I don't deserve it", "What do you like?" "It's all right."
When it's more typical—
Emotions: Prayer: "I am small", "I am helpless", pleading expressions and voices, weak body postures.
Behavior: Actions: Excessive kindness, apologies, requests for forgiveness, forgiveness, pleading and begging for mercy, concessions.
Inner feeling: "I am worthless"
"I feel worthless".
Possible physical and mental reactions —
Psychological reactions: neuroticism, depression, suicidal tendencies. -
Somatic reactions: gastrointestinal discomfort, stomach disease, nausea and vomiting. Diabetes, migraines, constipation, etc.
2. Accusatory type
It accounts for 30% of the population. Attack others, only yourself and the environment, no others. Try to show that it's not your fault and keep yourself away from the threat of stress.
Words — "It's all your fault," "What the hell are you doing?" "You've never done it right", "If only you... then...", "I'm not wrong at all".
Emotion: Accusation: "Here I am the authority. "-
Behavior: Attack: dictatorship, criticism, nitpicking. -
Body posture: very powerful look, stiff. -
Inner feeling: Isolation: "I am lonely and failed". -
Possible physical and mental reactions —
Psychological reactions: retaliation, teasing, bullying. -
Somatic reactions: muscle tension, back pain. Circulatory disorders, high blood pressure, arthritis, constipation, asthma and so on.
3. Super-rational type
The number is small, 15%. Suppress feelings, escape feelings. There are only situations, not themselves and others.
Escape from any feeling of reality, but also avoid the distress and pain caused by stress. -
Language: always objective, quoting rules and abstract ideas, using lengthy explanations, complex terminology, avoiding personal or emotional topics, rarely touching on feelings related to people, often saying: "People must be logical", "everything should be scientifically based", "people need to be calm".
Emotions: stubborn, alienated: "No matter the cost, people must remain calm, composed, and never flustered." "-
Behavior: Authoritarian: stubborn, unwilling to change, rationalized, stubborn and rigid in operation. -
Body posture: stiffness. The emoticons are superior (if there are ones). -
Inner feeling: "I feel empty and isolated. "I can't show any feelings."
Possible physical and mental reactions –
Psychological reactions: obsessive-compulsive psychology, social pathology, social withdrawal, self-containedness. -
Somatic reactions: endocrine diseases, cancer, blood diseases, heart disease, chest and back pain.
4. Fork type
Less, 0.5% of the population. Avoid the heavy and light, and get used to dodging. Neither oneself nor oneself nor others. Frequently change the topic to distract attention, can not focus on one thing, avoid personal or emotional topics, tell jokes, interrupt topics, do not meet the expectations, and are unwilling to really face it.
Let others distract themselves from interacting with themselves, and also reduce their attention to stress, and want to keep stress factors at a distance from themselves. -
Speech: Rambling on the subject: no reason, no grasp of the point, arbitrary, casual expression, east and west: "I can't figure it out myself."
Mood: Fluctuating chaotic, full of indifference, "I'm absent-minded. "The body posture is characterized by constant movement. -
Behavior: Distraction: Inappropriate behavior, hyperactivity, busyness, interjection, interruption. -
Inner feeling: "No one really cares. "There's no place for me to talk here." -
Psychological reactions: inappropriate, unreasonable, confused. -
Somatic reactions: neurological symptoms, stomach disorders, dizziness, nausea, diabetes, migraine, constipation.
The Satya Model: Consistent Communication
Behavior: energetic, creative, vital, confident, competent, responsible, accepting, loving, balanced
Speech: Honest, open and shared with feelings, thoughts, expectations, wishes, and dislikes, listening to others, respecting oneself, others, and situations
Primary emotions: peaceful, calm, loving, accepting of oneself and others, down-to-earth
Self-concept "High self-worth, competent, appreciative, grateful for one's uniqueness, equal to value, connected with vitality."
Resources: Self-aware, responsible, open, caring for oneself and others, integration, common physical and psychological symptoms are healthy.
Only by taking into account the three elements of communication: oneself, others, and the situation, can we communicate consistently. Ignoring oneself and focusing only on others and situations is flattering, ignoring others and focusing only on oneself and the situation is accusation, ignoring oneself and others and focusing only on the situation is super-rational, ignoring oneself, others and the situation is a fork.
Just as breathing is to life, communication is the key to maintaining personal health, building satisfying relationships, and boosting productivity.
But only consistent communication can lead to a relationship of mutual nourishment and support, which is meaningful and valuable. Everyone has countless intrinsic resources that can be used more creatively to make communication consistent. This is the consistent communication in satya's model, as satya describes the five freedoms
Seeing and listening freely replaces how one should see and how one should listen.
Be free to say what you feel and think instead of how you should say it.
Feel freely what you feel, instead of what you should feel.
Be free to ask for what you want, instead of always waiting for the other person's permission.
The freedom to take risks according to one's own ideas, instead of always choosing the path of safety and security,
I didn't dare to shake my boat.
Seven, the four steps of consistent communication:
(1) My five senses (eyes, ears, nose, tongue, body), when I hear, see... ；
(2) My feelings, expressing feelings; mood, sorrow, fear and sorrow...
(3) My explanation, the explanation of feelings;
(4) My decision..., whether to be distant or close, or to remain the same.
This is the four steps we have summarized when learning and practicing consistent communication, which is very practical, and beginners will follow the set and will have a good effect.
The more difficult of these four steps is the second step, my feeling, when we are just born, when we are still in the state of a baby, we are all open, our joys and sorrows, our eating and drinking Lasa are all presented without scruples and without any disguise. When we went to kindergarten until the lower grade of primary school, we were very good at expressing our feelings, and today we were happy or unhappy, happy or unhappy, we would all tell our parents. As we age, we slowly isolate our feelings, only say things, or even only say hello, insincerely, misunderstandings, suspicions, inconsistencies in external performance and inner feelings, etc., hinder our interpersonal communication, we no longer express our true feelings, wear masks, wrap thick shells to live. People become alienated and indifferent to each other and superficial hypocrisy, or flattery, or accusations, or make big senses, say some right nonsense, or avoid each other. We often say we're too tired to live, right? Why are we tired? Tired!
These four forms of communication, which we collectively refer to as "inconsistent communication." Different types of communication can be easily identified from people's habitual behavior: flattering people tend to give in, please, rely on, and apologize; accusatory people are accustomed to attacking, criticizing, and angry; superintelligent people are stubborn, rigid, rigid, and meticulous; and people who are disruptive are unstable, interjected, disturbed, and have too much or insufficient vitality. These manifestations can all be reduced to inconsistencies with the self.
Ms. Satya once summed it up empirically: in a crowd, regardless of how people really feel and think, 50% always answer "yes" (flattering); 30% answer "no" (accusatory type); 15% do not answer "yes" or "no" and do not give any clues to their true feelings (super-rational type); and 0.5% will behave as indifferent and unconscious (fork type). Only 4.5% of people are "consistent." So, what's the harm of inconsistent communication?
The problem with inconsistent communication is that we are all masking, suppressing, or distorting our emotions, unwilling to accept our feelings, but instead using self-righteous methods to disguise them. For example, when someone does something that makes you angry, you can't just say, "You're making me angry," but turn into an accuser who says, "You can't do anything well." ”
Inconsistent communication actually hurts our ability to build emotional bonds with others, we try to cover up the truth, we pretend to be indifferent to things we don't like, and we accumulate emotions in our hearts, but unfortunately, sooner or later this accumulation will explode.
Inconsistent communication between parents and children will cause what we call a generation gap.
To put it bluntly, the generation gap is not actually a problem of "generation", but a problem of "ditch". If you can't see the emotional truth and needs behind the words, there will also be a generation gap between husband and wife.
Taking the "war" between the mother and the son because of the mobile phone as an example, if the mother can perceive that her accusations and threats are because she is afraid that the child is out of her control, then what will she do? If the mother sees the child behind the rude words and wants to get rid of the frustration, how will she take the trick?
To resolve this common conflict between parents and children, we must learn to communicate consistently.
The so-called consistent communication is to acknowledge all your emotions, express your own ideas well, and take into account the feelings of others. In seemingly consistent behaviors and relationships, you can accept and have your feelings without any judgment, and deal with them with a positive, open attitude.
There are four basic principles of consistent communication: tell the facts, not judge; talk about feelings, not talk about one-sided views; talk about expectations and needs; talk about requests, not talk about commands.
First, distinguish between facts and judgments: facts are objective events (seeing, hearing), and judgments are the guesses of our brains. For example, the truth is," "I saw you take my cup," and the judgment was ," or "You took the wrong cup." In fact, the other party just sees that you have drunk the water and wants to help you fill the cup with water.
Second, distinguish between feelings and points of view: to talk about feelings is to describe people's physical or psychological feelings, such as "I feel cold in my limbs" (physiological feelings) or "I feel depressed and wronged in my heart" (psychological feelings). Opinions, on the other hand, refer to ideas such as "women should not be uncultured".
Again, about expectations and needs: behind our emotions, there is an unmet need, if you can express your expectations and needs, emotions will flow and release. We have to tell each other clearly what we want them to do. If we ask others not to do anything, they may be confused and do not know what we really want, and such a request is also easy to cause others to resent. Many people feel frustrated or discouraged, in large part because they don't know what they expect from others.
Finally, a distinction is made between a request and a command: a request is when I express my needs and expectations, but the other person does not necessarily have to satisfy me; an order, in the other case, is when the other person must satisfy me.
Here are a few common ways to achieve consensus communication:
1. Express anger.
(1) Stop and breathe.
(2) Self-examination: Pay attention to what thoughts make us angry. "I'm angry because I don't like people... The act of this makes me... The needs are not being met. ”
(3) Feel the needs of your heart (the unmet part). Distinction: Whether the other party is obligated to meet my needs. For example, if the other party uses my personal belongings without my permission, this is the other party's problem; but if I break into someone else's private space to use the other party's bathroom, but the other party refuses, this is actually my own problem.
(4) If it is true that the other party does not respect me, I can express to the other party: "What you did... (specific facts), brought me ... (Negative) makes me feel... (sad / angry / angry etc.), please... (Expectation: What exactly the other person wants to do). ”
2. Apologize.
There are three basic principles for apologizing:
(1) To be a person is not to be a person, that is, to apologize for this matter, not because of me as a person. Man's behavior is not equal to man himself, don't say "I'm really not a thing" just because you have done something wrong, so that the whole person is denied.
(2) Make a commitment to improvement. Just as the so-called "courage after knowing shame" "can be changed, good is great".
(3) Ask the other party for forgiveness. You can put it this way: "This thing... (Specific facts) I didn't do a good job, sorry. In the future I will... (How to correct), please forgive me. ”
3. Express gratitude.
Steps to express gratitude:
(1) What the other person has done to improve our lives.
(2) What needs we need are met.
(3) How are we feeling? You can put it this way: "What you do... (Specific facts), brought me ... (I get good results) and make me feel... Thank you. ”
When accepting gratitude from others, we need to be careful not to inflate ourselves and not to be falsely modest. The desire to accept the gratitude of others is a normal thing. To illustrate, affirmation and appreciation are the beginning of the flow of love.
If we can learn to communicate consistently, when we face parent-child conflict and face the crying of our children, what we do to ourselves and to our children will become different. For example, when a child is angry because of disobedience and disobedience, instead of yelling "exploding in place", try to do this:
1. Exhale.
Take a deep breath, exhale at a slow pace, awaken the parasympathetic nerves, and ease the sympathetic nerves so that you don't explode or run away.
2. Take a look.
Stay curious and see what's going on: What's wrong with me now? What's it like? What's wrong with the child now? How does he feel? Why is that? What could be the "iceberg" beneath us?
3. Give it a hug.
Connect emotions first, then correct mistakes. Give your child a hug if you wish. If the child refuses, you can send him an invitation: "I need a hug, and when you are ready, come to me." Because when they feel better, they do better, and too do we.
4. Speak up.
Face your child, try to express your true feelings, and say how your child feels. For example: "I am now disappointed and angry about your actions" "I know you are in a hurry and angry right now".
5. Talk about it.
Keep a positive conversation with your child about what just happened and discuss how you can solve each other's troubles.
When we try to do that, I'm sure the results will be different.
In fact, many times when we say to our children, there are many unspoken needs hidden. Often for some reason, we are afraid to say how we really feel, and we worry that if we confess, it means that we are naked in front of others, which is too insecure. In order to protect ourselves, we choose to disguise emotions in a number of ways.
But if we are willing to look more at the child and our own hearts, and contact the child and ourselves from the bottom of our hearts, we may be able to glimpse each other's deep needs and painful struggles, as well as our care for each other, thus narrowing the distance between us and our children.
The way to get along
There are interesting and interesting things and attitudes. Analyze the feelings of both sexes, the psychology of men and women, interpret the origin of love marriage and family, discuss the wisdom of getting along with friends in the workplace and friends, share love skills, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship, learn children's parent-child relationship, family education, and make your life more harmonious.
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