"How the New Family Shapes People" - Reading Notes Guide Sharing

This text number is 5013 and the estimated reading time is 15 minutes.

The book shared today is How the New Family Shapes People.

Author [American] Virginia Satya, founder of family therapy, internationally renowned psychotherapist.

How to deal with family relationships, in order to be harmonious and healthy? This book is a practical guide to handling family relationships, and it is also a professional book for family therapists and psychological counselors. The authors deeply study the various modes of getting along in the family, point out the misunderstandings that we are prone to fall into, and clearly analyze the growth and transformation experienced by people in the family, so as to explore the answers to the questions of "how people establish self-worth", "how to achieve benign communication among family members", and "how to improve family life patterns".

1

What kind of family do you have

The authors say that an entire family is like a big boat, sailing on the water, putting our family at risk when we feel that there are a lot of things we don't know.

1. Characteristics of a healthy family

A healthy family system has four elements:

First, it is called self-worth, and a person's feelings and thoughts about himself are called self-worth; second, it is called communication, and we call the way people transmit information between people communication; and third, it is the family system. "People follow the rules of how they should feel and act, and those rules eventually develop into what we call the family system." A home is not the same as another, and each home will have different rules and unspoken rules; fourth, the connection between home and society. “

The way people relate to other people and organizations outside the family is what we call social connection, and the family is an environment in which a person develops these characteristics, and adults play the role of shapers. "In every family, it is the responsibility of adults to build a healthy environment.

Many families have problems, such as throwing tantrums, which is a manifestation of low self-worth. For example, communication is indirect, vague and insincere. Also, the rules are strict, dehumanizing, non-negotiable, and immutable. This kind of family tends to be associated with society in a way that is afraid and condemned, that is, when it comes to the outside world, when it comes to seeing outsiders, the people in this family are worried, nervous, and defensive. This is typical of the family with problems.

And what does a healthy family look like? "There is a high sense of self-worth; communication is direct, clear, clear, and sincere; rules are flexible; they are humane, appropriate, and variable; and the connection with society is open, hopeful, and built on the basis of choice."

So how do we evaluate a family? The author says, you ask yourself, are you satisfied with your current family life? Do you think that your family is as kind as friends, loving and trusting each other? As a member of the family, do you think this is a pleasant and exciting thing? These are the three most basic questions we ask when we do self-assessment of our families.

So what if our family is not a healthy one? First, admit that my family is not perfect; second, forgive myself and forgive my family; third, make up my mind to be able to make my home a different family; and fourth, make some concrete actions.

2. How to enhance the sense of self-worth

What is self-worth. Authors often ask: Is your jar full? The jar is your own heart, this "full" is whether you have self-esteem in your heart, whether you feel that your state is full of energy, whether you are satisfied, whether you feel that you are a person with a sense of value, whether you are loved or not. "Loved ones are open to change."

And when people with low self-esteem levels encounter criticism, their first reaction is "fear": Do you not like me? Are you rejecting me? Do you want to leave me? Then there's "building a wall," building a high wall and sealing myself inside: I want to protect myself, I'm not wrong, it's all someone else's problem.

For example, a little girl comes back from outside and picks a bunch of flowers, and if it's a mom who can give her child a high level of self-esteem, she might say, "Wow, these flowers are so beautiful, so beautiful, where did you pick these flowers?" Tell mom. It's a normal expression, but if it's a particularly wary mom who doesn't live a relaxed life, she's stressed, and she sees her child bringing in a bunch of flowers, and her first reaction might be: "Where did you do it?" You wouldn't pick flowers from the park, would you? Did you pick a neighbor's flower? "She always thinks in a bad direction, it will put a lot of pressure on this child." In fact, your heart, your psychological state, has determined what kind of impact the words you blurt out will have on your children.

So, the author says, please calm down and listen carefully to the way your family speaks, is it encouraging, or is it accusatory, skeptical, and critical? These two words will directly affect the level of self-esteem of this person.

"When I feel good and appreciate myself, I am very likely to cope with life with a noble, sincere and courageous attitude, full of vitality and love." 」 This is the state and performance when you have self-confidence. "A person who does not value himself usually wants to get affirmation from others, such as a wife, husband, son or daughter, which leads to his always wanting to manipulate others, and the result is often the opposite of what he wants, usually hurting both sides."

The lower a person's self-esteem level, the more he wants to be able to control others, so he will bring a particularly strong sense of manipulation to others, and the result is that things will backfire, and others will gradually move away from him.

2

How to improve communication within the family

The author sees communication as a huge umbrella that covers and influences everything that happens in human society. As soon as a person comes into this world, his or her ability to communicate becomes the most important factor in determining his or her relationships and life situation. How we survive, how we develop intimate relationships with people, how we make our lives fun and meaningful, and how we communicate with our hearts all depend heavily on our communication skills.

Of course, we don't just communicate with people through language. It also includes the body, values, experience, senses, language, mind, emotions, and so on.

1. How to enhance communication

Satya's training has a lot of games to help us enhance communication, and we briefly introduce two.

The first one: "Mind Camera": You pull your wife along, you two sit there and look at each other, one of them can talk, and the other uses your brain to take a picture of him, look at his face seriously, stare at him, look at him carefully, and make this impression. Then you can tell him who you look like in my mind, what kind of expression you have, what kind of attitude you have, and you describe his image. If you don't look at each other so seriously and explain to each other in this way, neither of you knows what you are really like in each other's minds.

In fact, the other person we see in our daily lives is the result of projection in our minds. We often see the shadow of others in each other, it may be the shadow you expect, it may be the shadow of the long-term defect in your heart. When you use this "mind camera" approach to look at the other person carefully, you may read out more of the message that the other person is passing on to you.

The second is: "Clarify one thing", and be careful not to engage in confrontation and debate. The two men sat down and said calmly: "Well, today I want to clarify one thing, we had a misunderstanding before, in fact I thought so, what happened at that time.

2. Communication traps

There are many communication pitfalls, and let's talk about two of them.

First, the "law of suggestion". For example, the husband does not know why he drops things there, one will drop the book, one will "bang" the pen, you talk to him and he ignores you, what is going on in your heart? He just doesn't say it. It's called the "law of suggestion," and he wants you to understand for yourself what's going on.

Secondly, the "mind reading method" is to guess what the other party thinks. For example, why don't you tell me when you buy something, is there any other idea? Otherwise why don't you say hello to me? We have all sorts of ways to draw conclusions on our own, and this method can lead to contradictions in the family.

3. Wrong way of communicating

The author suggests that when we deal with stress, there are four wrong ways to communicate.

First, "flattering." The flattering type is to kneel on one knee and then look at the other party with one hand up, which is called the "flattering type". If there is a flattering person in a family, what is the person's inner monologue? It's "I feel like I'm nothing, without you, I'm dead, I have no value". So when a person is a begging posture for a long time, it is actually an escape, he is escaping the pressure of communication.

Second, the "accusatory type", one hand crossed at the waist, the other hand very fiercely pointing at the other party. The accusatory person looks tough, but what is his inner monologue? It's called "I feel lonely and fail." For example, he is used to scolding people for everything, and he feels that no one can be trusted.

Third, the "super-rational type". The super-rational type person sat there, his body very rigid, stilted on Erlang's legs, and protected himself very tightly. The most common thing that a superintelligent person says is "ask my lawyer about this", he responds to the facts in this super-rational way, no matter what kind of emotions others have, what kind of situation occurs, he has no emotional reaction, he treats it in a super-rational way. The subtext of the super-rational person is "I feel vulnerable". He shows that I am calm and composed, but his actual inner monologue is "I feel vulnerable".

Fourth, "fork type". The body posture of the forked person is distorted. He likes to fight when he encounters anything. The inner monologue of the forked type of person is "No one cares", "There is no place for me here, there is no space for me", "I am completely unimportant here".

Why are there so many different ways to cope with stress? From an education as a child.

For example, if you often hear your parents ask you not to influence others when you are a child, and tell you that it is selfish to ask others for your own sake, when we are affected by this all day, all day is "you have to sacrifice yourself" and "you can't ask for more all day for others, you already want too much", then this way parents influence their children strengthens the child's flattery type.

None of these four approaches are correct, and what they have in common is "disagreement." He wants to express loneliness, he wants to express helplessness, he can't express it, he wants to express anger; he wants to express reconciliation, he wants to express contribution, but what he expresses is flattery.

So what is the right thing to do? The authors say, "consistent type of expression." The consistent expression is my inner, my outer, the language I speak, the posture of my body, and the message conveyed to you is the same.

The really effective way of expression is consistent. For example, if someone accidentally bumps into you, the accusatory type will say, "Oh my God, how can I touch your arm, next time you put your arm away so I won't touch it." And the consistent type of person will look at each other and say, "I hurt you, I'm very sorry." ”

4. Build a family system

The authors argue that for a healthy family system, there needs to be truly private. Only by respecting the private space of the individual can the family system be more open. There are usually two systems in the home – closed and open , and the main difference between the two is the response to change.

What are the characteristics of a closed system? "His basic belief is that people are inherently evil and must be constantly controlled to behave well; that relationships must be regulated by the power of coercion or the fear of punishment; that there is a right way, and that it is owned by the most powerful; that there is always someone who knows what is best for you."

"In a closed system, self-worth is subordinate to power and achievement." Self-worth is not important, what matters is patriarchy. "Actions are governed by the boss's whim." "Change is resisted", what changes are going to occur, if it is not promoted by the boss himself, then I will not accept it, changes in the external world, changes in customers, these are not important, I only listen to the instructions of the boss.

So what does an open system look like? "Self-worth is primary, power and achievement are secondary." Open system, family members will be happy, will respect each other, there will be growth. So the most important thing in a family system is not to give, but to grow.

Every family faces 10 crises, which is hard to avoid, but there are many crises that you don't feel at all, because it's possible that it will go well.

The first crisis is conception, pregnancy and the birth of the first child, and you need to rise from dealing with a two-person relationship to dealing with a three-person relationship, which is the first crisis for many families.

The second is that as children begin to use the language of wisdom, few people realize how much adjustment this requires. It turns out that this child will only scream and cry, and when he suddenly learns to speak and can participate in your discussion, there will be a second challenge.

The third comes from the child's formal connection with the family's external world, which is when school goes to school. This brings the school world into the home and brings an element of unfamiliarity to parents and children, teachers are often an extension of parents, and even if you welcome it, you still need to adjust.

The fourth is when the child enters puberty.

The fifth is that when a child grows up and leaves home in search of independence, this situation often creates a huge sense of loss.

The sixth is that when young people get married, the spouse will be accepted by the family as an element of a stranger.

The seventh is when menopause comes in women.

The eighth menopause, "involves a decline in a man's level of sexual activity, which is not a physiological problem, and his crisis seems to be related to a feeling of incapacity that is a challenge.

The ninth becomes a grandparent, full of privileges and pitfalls.

Finally, when death comes to one spouse and then the other.

This is a law of the growth of a family system, and we will face these 10 challenges. "I want to emphasize that these are normal natural stresses, they are predictable for most people, and please don't misinterpret them as abnormal," the authors said. "We need to face and accept it calmly. The most central approach is to maintain a high level of self-esteem for everyone, as well as to communicate adequately.

Of course you also need to build a family blueprint. The first thing that prevents us from achieving the blueprint is ignorance, that is, people do not know this knowledge at all, what is the family system, what is the self-esteem system and the importance of communication. Then there's ineffective communication, and uncertain values.

For example, before going to college, I told you not to fall in love and study well, and then as soon as you graduated from college, you quickly rushed to talk about love, complaining that you didn't fall in love so late. This parent's requirements are all variable because he does not have a stable value.

So what is a really good blueprint? At the heart of a good blueprint is development. For example, our blueprint is to hope that the individuals in the family have high self-esteem levels; that the relationship between people and people is harmonious, and that we each respond to another person with love; and then that we can better understand and use external resources, and adjust our view of the external world and our view of death. The blueprint should come from the growth of the heart, from the improvement of the relationship between people and people.

We should always maintain respect for the person, reverence and respect for the uniqueness of the individual, not because he or she has a label of a mother, a child, or a grandfather or grandmother, we should let each other do such a thing, which will only make the whole family system chaotic.