As an adult, especially after work, the relationship with my parents always seems to be separated by a net.
The two sides are not unconcerned, but stay on the surface of life. Parents like to ask their children questions about marriage and love, and children will symbolically ask about diet and health.
What's wrong with our communication with our parents, and why do we know we care about each other, but rarely really listen to each other's real thoughts?
It's not that I haven't tried, but I've always failed
I can't remember exactly how many quarrels between Xiao Wang and his parents, he and Qingdou Jun said that every time his father mentioned that he wanted to go back to his hometown to develop, no matter how harmonious the atmosphere would be, it would instantly drop. The father would be silent for a while, then take out a cigarette and slowly question Xiao Wang about his future career plans.
Although, the father may not necessarily understand the difference between product, operation and planning.
Xiao Wang's answer looks pale to his parents, and the elders who have experienced many tests pay special attention to the development of the second half of life, and the prosperity of an industry may only be more than ten years.
Moreover, in his eyes, Xiao Wang was still the child who even needed to be taught to walk when he was a child.
Then, in order to alleviate the embarrassment, the mother would ask some trivial things in life. Xiao Wang will say that he is still the same as before, in fact, he will meet new friends every once in a while, and he will unlock some new projects that he has not experienced before.
Just talking about this, Xiao Wang will feel even more that the distance between himself and his parents is farther.
As for the question of whether to return to his hometown for development, Xiao Wang has become clearer in repeated quarrels: what he needs is to get rid of his parents' interference and live independently, rather than growing up under the wings of his family.
It is both intimate and strange, which is more like the norm in communication
Xiao Wang's problem is not an isolated case, many families face the same problem.
There is a similar scene in Ang Lee's "Wedding Banquet", playing the father's Lang Xiong, in order to continue the family's incense, find various opportunities to force his son Gao Wei to enter the marriage hall at the same time, but he did not find the real needs of the child.
When the contradiction is fully exposed, the father will feel that the child in front of him is so strange, obviously he grew up watching it when he was a child, why has he never seriously understood the most critical marriage issues?
In fact, the role of Lang Xiong is not an old-fashioned one. After learning the truth, he also gave full understanding and tolerance to his son's emotional life.
Source The movie "The Wedding Feast"
So, we can't help but ask, what is wrong in this family's decades of communication?
On the one hand, as children become more independent, the connection with their parents decreases accordingly. The child's world is no longer only the parents, a bigger and bigger world is constantly unfolding in front of the child's eyes. The relationship with parents is also slowly establishing clear boundaries in growth, and many things are no longer just shared with parents.
On the other hand, parents and children are selectively concealing the handling of key issues. Parents may not tell their children that they are divorced, and children who have done something wrong will not necessarily tell their parents truthfully. Parents and children see each other, but in fact, each other, not the same person.
Therefore, once the two sides encounter core issues such as life development and career planning, it is easy to contradict each other.
Studies have shown that this contradiction often lasts until the age of 40 - that is, the child enters middle age and has his own children, and then it will be alleviated.
Probably in a sense, I became you when I grew up.
What communication skills should you master when you get along with your family?
Satya, known as the "Master of Family Therapy", once divided communication postures into five types: flattering, accusatory, super-rational, punching, and consistent.
Like the xiao wang mentioned earlier, getting along with his father belongs to the accusatory type, the father accuses the child of not listening to his own suggestions, and the little king will complain in his heart that the father does not look at the problem from his own point of view. Ignoring others and only valuing one's own communication is also the most common type.
The high father in "The Wedding Feast" is obviously a super-rational type. Years of military career have made him particularly important to clear instructions and methodical arrangements, and his son's feelings cannot be interfered with simply by reason.
The flattering type ignores itself, the accusatory type ignores others, the super-rational type is extremely objective, and the fork type is used to disturbing. Only the apparent consistency type is what Satya advocated, and the superficial consistency type requires the expressor to be unified internally and externally, and the expression and speech to be consistent, while also taking into account others and situations.
Image source Portrait of Virginia Satya
When communicating with parents, there is also an implicit premise, that is, you need to logically clarify your own claims and give a basis, otherwise it is difficult for parents to believe what you say.
If it does have a great impact on life, it may as well try to think from the perspective of your parents, what is the reason behind your parents' insistence on your point of view? Finding a breakthrough is also a way to improve understanding of parents.
To solve communication problems, in addition to children to adjust the way and method, parents should also consciously improve their skills in this area, not just stay verbal.
To this end, we also need to adjust the way we communicate with our children, otherwise the difficult situation of communication between us and our parents will repeat itself in the future.
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