By Julie Lythcott-Haims
Source: Junior Business School (ID: youthmba)
Text | Julie Lythcott-Haims
Organize | The New Media Department of the Junior Business School is excerpted from "How to Make Children Adult and Adult"
The author of the article shared today is Julie Lythcott-Haims, who has served as Stanford's freshman provost and undergraduate advisor for more than a decade, and won Stanford's highest award, the Dinkeslpiel Award. She is also a mother of two children, and these experiences have given her her own insights into the cultivation of children, and she has written a book called "How to Make Children Adult and Adult".
This article is mainly about how to cultivate children's resilience, hoping to inspire you.
01
Develop your child's ability to withstand setbacks
Sometimes I joke that many parents like me who live in the Stanford community, once they hear that college values abilities such as perseverance and resilience, think about starting a hard-working summer camp rather than taking a hard look at what we do during their children's childhood that deprives them of the opportunity to develop these traits naturally.
We deprive our children of the opportunity to fight and learn to persevere, bent on making them the first in all aspects, and then praising their excellence, which is typical of good intentions doing bad things. Maybe we don't realize that "protecting" children from setbacks and failures may actually hurt them. Yes, we need to redefine success.
To have resilience is to have the ability to say, "I'm okay." I could choose to fix this, or think of another way, or decide that that wasn't what I wanted at all. I am still me, I am still loved, and life will go on. ”
Looking at Stanford students and their current struggles, reflecting on my years of life and experience in raising children, and drawing on the research of many people, I have my own definition of what resistance is.
02
How to develop your child's resilience
1. Exist in the child's life
It is well known that parents who are overly involved in their children's lives hover over their children's heads like helicopters, and the children immediately swoop down as soon as they need it. Paradoxically, however, studies have shown that they do not establish meaningful emotional connections with their children, and that their relationship with them does not bring meaning to them. The following methods will help you develop your child's resilience by being present in your child's life.
A. Express your love.
B. Express interest in them.
C. Show your concern.
2. Stand aside
Let them make choices and decide how to do things.
B. Let them take risks and make mistakes.
3. Help them grow from experience
A. After the child has experienced it, made a decision or choice, have a question-type dialogue with him to understand what he has learned from the experience.
B. Continuously improve standards.
C. Resist perfectionism.
4. Shape their character
Today, parents tend to focus on their children's schoolwork, extracurricular activities, and admission results, rather than on what kind of person they are.
Everyone wants to be cherished as their true self, and human value comes not from achievements, but from our character, that is, our kindness, generosity, fairness and willingness to work hard. At the end of the day, character is how we do things when no one sees or rates them.
People of good character win the kindness, praise, and gratitude of the world, which helps them overcome inevitable setbacks. Tell your children that what makes us proud is not their scores, grades and trophies, but their excellent character.
A. When they are performing well, please pay attention to them.
B. Help them form another perspective.
5. Give specific, authentic feedback
The parents of the late baby boomers, the X parents, and the first millennial parents were notoriously doting children, incapable of criticizing or punishing their children. Words like "perfect," "smart," "amazing," "wonderful," and "great" often blurt out words that at first glance sound like praise, but over time, they can turn into daggers and stab a growing soul, ultimately weakening a child's resilience.
A. Learn to praise.
In the field of achievements and achievements in on-campus and extracurricular activities, the praise specific to the completion of the task is more loving and more conducive to cultivating children's resilience.
For example, for a child, I like the color used in your painting; to a primary school student, I can say that throughout the ballet performance, I found that you tiptoed according to the teacher's requirements; for a junior high school student, you can say that you used a glue gun to make a school project, which is very well grasped, and the glue gun is very tricky to use; to a high school student, you can say that your thesis on "Big Nose Love" describes in detail the emotional fluctuations of big nose love, and you go deep into his heart.
Such specific praise helps to develop the child's self-confidence, because it shows that we have put a little thought into what the child has done.
B. Learn to criticize.
We want our children to develop and become better through learning and growth. To that end, a realistic assessment of current performance is the only way. As with praise, when criticizing children, you need to make sure that you are directing actions and efforts, not the person themselves.
"You put the lunch box in the aisle, and now it's crawling with ants, please wash it." No, can't wait any longer, otherwise the situation will be worse. When it comes to correcting behavior, such a statement is more effective than another: "Why don't you listen to me!" I tell you don't do that. Well now, there are ants everywhere. "Of course, if we rush over and deal with the ants ourselves, then nothing is taught to the child."
We can criticize his behavior because it is correctable, rather than pointing out or implying that the child is a "bad person" because it cannot be corrected.
6. Demonstration
Speaking at Palo Alto's High School, psychologist Madeleine Levine said that children only see us as successful people, not understand the twists, turns, bumps and setbacks we have encountered along the way, and will continue to experience them all. Normalize the struggles and struggles of life.
One of the best ways to develop resilience is for them to understand the setbacks we are currently and have encountered, such as failures at work, disappointments, the face-turning of good friends, and the blow these things have hit us. Let them know that maybe you're not doing something right, that you can do something else, and that you're going to learn something else in the future. Let them hear the reflection and see you smiling and moving on.
03
Let bad things happen
Childhood is a training ground where children make mistakes, learn lessons, develop coping skills, resilience, resilience, and so on. Letting children have those basic experiences that make them miserable, failing, and unlucky is not only a good way to help them learn and grow, but also the greatest teacher in life.
Jessica Lahey is a teacher and author of The Atlantic and The New York Times, and the author of The Gift of Failure. "Lessons learned from mistakes are a gift to children, and don't shirk responsibility." "Year after year, my 'best' students, the happiest and most successful, are like this: Their parents allow them to fail, hold them accountable for their mistakes, and encourage them to do their best in the face of mistakes," she writes. ”
04
Mistakes and difficulties that children must experience
What are the best life setbacks to experience before the age of 18?
1. When friends go out to play, they are not invited to go with them.
2. Not invited to a friend's birthday party.
3. Experience the death of a pet or a small tree planted by yourself.
4, spent effort to write a paper, the results are still not ideal.
5, when going out, the car broke down.
6. The class activity or project that you are told you want to go to is full.
7, because of helping the elderly, missed a performance.
8, received inexplicable accusations.
9, was beaten by another child.
10, a certain exam is very poor.
END
Source: Junior Business School (ID: youthmba), a leading international quality education platform in China, 380w+ Kochi parents are paying attention, helping children aged 6-16 to discover interests and set goals.
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