If you feel that your child is becoming more and more rebellious and can't listen to your big truth, then you can: do more, talk less, this is more effective than chattering.
Author | Less than 10 days after Maple started school, her niece ran away from home.
On the other end of the phone, my cousin's words were full of grievances: "From eating and wearing to studying, I broke my heart for her, but she was annoyed with me!" ”
That day, the cousin told her daughter to check the bag as usual and not to leave anything behind, but before the words were finished, the child threw the door out and did not come back after school.
After calling the phone, I found that my phone and WeChat had been blocked by my daughter.
Fortunately, in the middle of the night, she found the child in the middle of the night, but she stubbornly refused to go home, crying:
"Mom opened her mouth, I wanted to run, eat to say, sleep to say, do something wrong to say, do the right thing to say, at every turn on 60 seconds WeChat voice bombardment, I really can't stay!" 」
The cousin was very upset: "I have a daughter of hers, not all for her good, what is wrong with saying two things about her?" ”
Teacher Yin Jianli said that nagging is like a knife, no matter how blunt the knife is, the child can't stand the parents to "mend the knife" every day.
Seemingly casual preaching, complaining, and accusing are like chronic poisonous gases that have been lurking in the air, attacking the child's heart and brain.
Nagging is the most ineffective education
Raise a child who is one hundred years old and has ninety-nine worries.
As parents, most of them have an inexhaustible heart. Don't say more than two sentences, you are afraid that the child will not do well; do not remind it twice, you are afraid that the child will forget.
But the result is often that the parents are bitter, the three inches of tongue grinding into two inches, but the child does not listen to a word.
Why can't you listen?
According to psychological research:
When the language containing new information is spoken for the first time, it stimulates the brain the most and makes the deepest impression.
When the same content is repeated too many times, it will cause the cerebral cortex to produce some kind of inhibition, automatically shutting down its receiving system.
In short, the more the parent talks, the more the child "can't hear."
In fact, for children, a sentence, even in the name of love, after infinite repetition and fermentation, is a kind of "spiritual noise" and verbal violence.
There was a man in Hangzhou, because he could no longer stand his mother's nagging, and he was so anxious that he called the police and said that he had killed himself.
In the police car, the man made only one request: Will you detain me?
In the face of the police's persuasion, the man suddenly cried: "She is not an ordinary mother!" Your ten moms are not as good as my one mom! ”
Mom couldn't stop her mouth, making him feel that home was more terrible than prison.
In the comment area, many netizens have also expressed empathy:
I especially understand that as soon as my mother opened her mouth, my head buzzed and really exploded.
My mom is also very good at nagging, saying everything, and she makes me feel like a waste.
Really, it's nothing to say two sentences, but it's like this every day, it's like this for more than ten years, who isn't crazy!
Marshall Luxemburg, a nonviolent communication expert, once said: "Maybe we don't think that our way of talking is violent, but language does often cause pain to others." ”
This is the terrible thing that nagging hides, the harm has already been done, and the perpetrator does not know it.
There is a "Farabine's Law" in psychology, which refers to: the output of a sentence = 55% attitude + 38% tone + 7% content.
When parents talk endlessly, children can often accept the impatience and distrust on their parents' faces, as well as the complaints, accusations or commands in the tone.
Therefore, without the effective transmission of 55% + 38%, it is difficult for the 7% to play a role.
Nagging is destined to be a one-man show for parents alone, which only satisfies their own psychological needs and does not help to change the child at all.
Nagging parents, can't raise motivated children
On the Internet, I have seen a mother's request for help: the child is particularly unconscious, what to do?
Every day, if she does not always urge the child, the child will not know what to do, including homework, always have to remind, the child will not be in a hurry to write.
Educator Qian Zhiliang said that nagging will make children inert and form a dependence psychology.
Ostensibly, the mother had to keep reminding her child because she was lazy.
In fact, it is precisely because the mother says too much that it destroys the enthusiasm of the child.
The biggest destructive force of nagging is to invisibly convert the internal motivation of the child to do things independently into his motivation, so that the child develops the psychology of relying on the parents for everything.
And some children, the sense of autonomy is relatively strong, the repeated emphasis of parents is easy to cause his rebellion.
In "Teacher Please Answer", there is such a "broken mouth" mother, no matter what the child does, she must chant a few words.
There is such a scene in the program, the son is writing homework, the mother came over is a verbal bombardment, not picky about the child's slow writing, or picky about the child's bad writing.
After my mother finished speaking, she was still guarding the side, and from time to time a sentence came out:
"How are you doing?"
"Are you done writing?"
"Are you thinking about a problem, or are you thinking about a game?"
"I've done a few questions!"
Her focus is on her son every moment, but what happens? The son is deliberately angry with his mother and is not good at writing homework.
Later, the son learned to resist, lie, run away from home, how to make his parents angry, how to come.
The long-term frustration made the mother want to take her son with her to jump off the building.
The teacher of the program group advised the mother to "shut up" first, but the mother said that if she did not put her mouth on the child, she would not be able to play an educational role for the child.
She couldn't see that the child was doing his best to vent his dissatisfaction with rebellious behavior: the more you talk, the less I like you.
As Teacher Fan Deng said: "Nagging will let the child know whether to do it or not." ”
It is precisely because parents teach over and over again that the child's self-esteem level will continue to decrease, and he feels very painful, so he wants to make his parents feel bad.
In fact, whether it is more and more "anti" and "anti" and children who do not move without saying it, in essence, the nagging of parents has destroyed their sense of accomplishment in doing one thing and killed their positive initiative.
And a child who lacks a sense of self-control and lack of self-motivation, how do you expect him to take responsibility for his own life?
Parents with high emotional intelligence have a zipper on their mouths
The Liaoning Youth Research Association once conducted a survey on "the educational behavior of children who are least able to accept their parents".
The results were unexpected: "nagging" came out at the top, accounting for 44 percent, while "sarcasm" accounted for 26 percent and "scolding" accounted for 24 percent.
Therefore, the hurt of nagging is no less than scolding.
Visionary parents should have a zipper on their mouths and never speak to their children as they please.
So, how to say that the child will listen? What can I say to get the words into the child's heart?
1. Not much, the right way
According to research, the frequency of one-sentence repetition and the effect of persuasion are "inverted U-curve".
Once the right number of times has passed, the more parents say it, the child will not realize the importance of this sentence and will take it as a wind in their ears.
Therefore, instead of repeatedly stressing it, parents should "point to the end".
In his book "Intimate Relationships", the master of psychology, Roland Miller, recommended a concise and concise expression method: "XYZ statement method".
X represents the event, Y represents the environment, and Z represents the feeling. i.e.: You do X in the Y scenario, and I feel Z.
For example, if parents want their children to hurry up and write homework, they may wish to say something like this:
"It's already 8 o'clock (the environment) and you're still playing lego (the event), and I'm worried that your homework may be written late, affecting your sleep and rest (feelings)."
This way of expression not only objectively states the facts, but also directly expresses feelings, and indirectly reminds the child to write homework quickly, and the child is easy to accept and execute.
2. Relationships are greater than education
There is such a story in the book "The Most Beautiful Education is the Simplest".
A mother is very strict with her son, but no matter how she educates, her son is working against her.
Once her son dropped something again, she was very angry, but when she arrived at school, she suddenly felt that she did not have the courage to face the teacher.
At the same time, she began to feel sorry for her son: the whole class forgot the form alone, and he must have been reprimanded by the teacher.
So the mother was unusual, did not preach, but gave the fallen kettle to her son, and gently patted her son on the back.
Breaking the ground, the son took the initiative to admit his mistake.
That night, the son still changed his old stubbornness, and what his mother asked him to do, he did very happily.
Education scholar Zhan Danian said: Only when relationships are established will education truly happen.
Parents want to make their children obedient, may wish to crouch down to understand the children, education will change from "control - confrontation" to "respect - acceptance".
Only when the child feels good can he do well.
3. Teaching by example is greater than words
Education scholar Yu Wei said such a case.
There is a boy who usually likes to waste food, and his parents often talk to their sons bitterly, but it just doesn't work.
Later, Grandpa taught Dad a method.
That day, the boy lost the skin of the steamed bun as usual, and the father did not say a word, picked up the skin of the steamed bun and put it in his mouth.
The son was taken aback, but Dad just looked at him meaningfully.
When eating watermelon, the son habitually only took the top two bites and threw it away, and the father caught the watermelon and ate it directly.
The son was anxious: "Daddy, don't do this, I was wrong." "I grabbed the watermelon and ate it clean."
Since then, my son has never wasted food.
The so-called exhaustion of words is not as good as hearing the eyes, and passing on the truth to the children in the form of action is the most advanced education.
Silent words and deeds are more effective than any other reason.
The thinker Xun Zi once divided education into "the study of gentlemen" and "the study of villains".
The "study of a gentleman" comes in from the ear, enters the heart, spreads throughout the body, and affects behavior; while the "study of the little man" comes in from the ear and goes out from the mouth, and only walks 4 inches long, so it is difficult to affect the whole person.
Blind nagging and preaching are like "little people's learning", parents exhaust their tongues, and children are indifferent.
Parent-child communication requires wisdom, it does not need a thousand words, just "point to the end".
Please give your child a little more trust and respect, and they will change their behavior from the heart.
I hope that parents can have less preaching, more personal teaching, and use actions to influence their children.
Only in this way can our children truly "do as we wish", self-discipline, self-motivation, and get better and better.