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Recently, the child always put "I hate my mother" on his lips, at first he only thought that he accidentally learned it from where he did not care, but later found that he said this sentence is actually regular.
When children frequently say things like "I hate you", "I hate my mother", "I don't like you anymore", does the child really hate us?
Psychologist Zeng Qifeng once said: "If a child throws a tantrum at you, he is saying two things: one is that I love you, and the other is that I can't stand it and needs your help." ”
Deeply.
01 Emotions are signal lights
On February 7, a news item about a #girl who called the police after feeling that her parents were biased into an argument once triggered a hot search.
The little girl in the video yells hysterically at her mother while crying: Every time something goes wrong, my mother pushes the responsibility on me. Dad never cared about me, why did he beat me.
But in the face of the police, the mother only saw her own grievances, because the family bought famous brands first to the sister, how can the child feel eccentric?
The father on the side did not react to his daughter's crying the whole time, but finally was asked by the girl to say lightly: I'm sorry.
But the father probably felt in his heart that his daughter was making unreasonable trouble.
But if you think about it carefully, just from these few sentences in the video, in fact, the little girl's requirements have been said very clearly.
What she cares about is not a famous brand at all, but the fair treatment of her parents when the sister and brother get along, and how much her father can usually care about her.
But because her request wrapped up in all kinds of emotions of anger, tantrums, and angry accusations against her parents, what the little girl said did not actually let her parents hear.
As parents, in the process of getting along with our children, we need to pay attention to one point: parents should learn to focus on what their children say, rather than the way their children express themselves.
The little girl in the video is actually very clear, but many times the child may not be able to express it.
When my friend Lily's child first started kindergarten last year, she cried for the first 2 weeks, and the parents thought that it might be that the child was not adapted.
But after waiting for 2 months, the child not only did not adapt, but also cried more seriously, holding his mother every day and not letting go.
Later, I learned that I didn't know where the child heard it, and as long as he went to kindergarten, his mother would be gone.
This feeling of abandonment is the most terrible thing for the child, and he certainly does not want to go to kindergarten.
So the child's emotions are actually a signal light for parents to identify their children's feelings.
When the child has extreme behaviors such as crying and tantrums, parents must first calm down and not be led by the child's emotions, so that they can see the content that the child wants to express behind the emotions.
02 Emotions are a fault-tolerant space
In the TV series "Imperfect Her" starring Zhou Xun, the little girl Mu Liansheng is an unfortunate child of the original family, repeatedly abandoned by her mother and abused by her stepfather.
It is precisely because of living in such an unsafe environment from an early age that a 7-year-old girl learned to observe the color at an early age.
Knowing that she was a burden to her mother, she even deliberately let her birth mother take herself to the abandoned park and lose herself.
Although he was afraid of being abandoned by his birth mother and dying sadly, he still forced a smile in front of his mother, pretended not to know, and has been quietly bearing pain and accepting everything sensibly.
Because she knew that crying would only make her mother more sad, the little girl Mu Liansheng had no emotions of her own.
Past experience has trained her to have no emotions, in fact, it also means that no matter how sad and sad and afraid of fear, the child has swallowed it all by herself, at this time, it can only not erupt in silence, and perish in silence.
If it is wrong, parents and the outside world are actually unable to intervene.
Therefore, emotions are not only a signal light for parents to identify their children's feelings, but also a fault tolerance space, and emotions do not erupt at once.
Our child may start by just yelling to get your attention, and then they may cry and lose their temper.
There is a saying in child psychology that "when you find that your child has a problem, you have actually missed 10 opportunities to accompany him to correct it." ”
Therefore, the child who dares to express his emotions in front of you is actually a kind of help. If we handle it well at this stage, in fact, the child can deal with the problem himself.
There is a scene in "The Wife's Romantic Trip" where Cai Shaofen's approach is worth learning from her parents.
The mother and daughter were eating together, because they had been talking to the eldest daughter, so the voice of the younger daughter calling "Mother" on the side was ignored by Cai Shaofen, and the younger daughter began to cry.
At this time, Cai Shaofen did not stop the child from crying, but walked over and patted her daughter's back and said softly: I know you are not happy, you cry.
When the child's mood eased up a little, she asked her daughter again: Are you comfortable? Until I heard my daughter say: I am comfortable.
You see, in fact, children have emotions, there must be a reason behind it.
But many times as parents, it is easy for us to ignore what the child really wants to express because of the child's crying behavior.
Therefore, in the face of children's bad emotions, parents should learn to accept and not only react to behaviors.
Emotions are not only the child's fault tolerance space, but also the parents' opportunity to correct their mistakes.
03 True communication is a response to your child's feelings
Uncle V Kai once told a story about himself and his son.
The child has a very obvious wake-up gas one day.
But because school was late, the child was forced to wear clothes, wash his face and brush his teeth. Uncle Kai was also very angry.
But I didn't expect the teacher to call after school and say that the child was sick.
Therefore, the reason why the child loses his temper and does not cooperate is because he is really uncomfortable, but he can't express it.
In fact, for the child, his emotions are an expression, but this way of expression requires parents to be more patient.
Therefore, it is important to be tolerant of your child's emotions and teach your child how to express them correctly and effectively.
Teacher Dada once mentioned a method in the "Family Education Reading Club" - to practice in advance, and it is good to have a mother try.
A little girl was happy after her mother became pregnant and painted a picture of her future time with her brother.
But after the mother saw it, she did not blindly identify with her daughter, but told her daughter the truth very seriously.
Because younger brothers or sisters are not always obedient, parents may also need to spend more energy to take care of their babies. So as a sister, she may also be sad because of this neglect.
Mom told the little girl that at any time, if she feels uncomfortable, Mom can communicate with her in particular, and you will know that Mom will always love you.
This is actually a kind of advance drill, so that when the child faces specific things, he will know how to deal with it, so as not to be trapped in negative emotions for too long, and the parents also have the opportunity to change her mind.
For children, real communication is actually a response to the child's feelings.
If parents only see the child's wrong behavior and ignore the real needs behind the behavior, perhaps our discipline itself has become a kind of harm to the child.
Finally, whether we are facing our own emotions or our children's emotions, we need to remember 3 rules:
(1) There are no bad emotions. Emotions are not bad in themselves, nor do they make us bad people, what matters is how we treat them.
(2) Emotions are not always rational, but they always exist for a reason.
(3) Emotions are strong and can still be controlled.
I hope that we can all be the trees that shelter the wind and rain on the way children grow up, not the storms and rains of children. Share.