Lu Leshan, a famous educator, once said: The mentality of parents is a barometer for children's growth.
Parents' attitude towards their children's gains and losses, successes and failures will affect the way children see themselves and the world.
Parents who can't afford to lose, how to raise the children who have won?
Just such a child, I can't afford to lose
Yang Yang of my cousin's family is in the third grade of primary school this year, and her academic performance is not bad. A while ago, my cousin was busy, so he put the child in my house for a few days. I found this kid to be exceptionally strong.
On weekends, I play Monopoly with him, YangYang will cry all the time if he loses, and often cheat; he proposes to manage the "bank", and as a result, he secretly withdraws money from the "bank" for his own use; when rolling the dice, he often asks to re-roll it for better points...
Think of my cousin's mantra for educating children:
"If you can't get into the top five, you're finished, and you certainly can't go to XX Junior High School!"
"If you can't go to XX junior high school, you will be finished, and entering a key high school will definitely not be a play!"
"If you can't even pass the key high school, let alone the key university, your life will be over!"
"That's it! Finished! It's over", the world of Yangyang is full of "if you don't do it, it's over", this unhealthy sense of crisis makes him too competitive, so that he even has to cry and play a small game and lose.
I told my cousin about this, but he thought that now that social competition is so fierce, of course, children should cultivate a competitive heart!
He also said: "Just this one child, I can't afford to lose!" ”
It is good for children to have the idea of "not accepting to lose" and "not wanting to lose", but "can't lose" or "can't afford to lose" can easily lead to excessive paranoia.
A child who is overly paranoid about "winning" may now just cheat in the game, and once he goes to society in the future, he will stop at nothing to achieve the goal, then his life is called the real "end"!
Parents cannot lose, resulting in children not being able to win
A senior preschool educator said:
Almost half of the children in kindergartens require "me" to give priority to everything, and are very concerned about winning or losing. Even a small interactive game can not lose, and when you lose, you will play, cry, and do not want to continue playing.
Some children can't stand a little frustration, if he thinks that the activity or task is somewhat difficult, he may not be able to do well, can not be the first place, simply give up not to do, repeated persuasion is not willing to try.
Parents hope that their children will be successful in the future, but perhaps not many parents know that successful people have a common trait, that is, "can afford to lose", and the current educational concept often instills in children the concept of "can't lose". In fact, rather than winning or losing, it is more important to cultivate children to have a strong heart.
There is a famous experiment: there are three cages in total, and one mouse is locked in the cage. The first cage has a switch, step on it will have food sent in, the mouse soon mastered the trick to eat food; the second cage also has a switch, but stepping on it will be shocked, the mouse will no longer step on; and the switch in the third cage, stepping on it will have food, and then stepping on it will be shocked, so repeatedly, the rats in the cage will be tangled to death, do not know whether to step or not to step.
Most of our children today are "rats in the third cage", living in tangles and not knowing what to do. All parents hope that their children will be successful people in the future, and throughout the successful people in society, they have a common trait, that is, "can afford to lose", but now education, to instill in children is "can not lose". If "can't lose", then the child does not have the trait of "to win", but may be "low in the eye", hoping to get good things, but does not have the ability to fight. So, he was very entangled and painful.
Nurturing a child to grow up is like driving a boat to a distant place, but where the other shore is, many parents do not have a score in their hearts. Everyone does not understand that the experience and strength spent on children is more than others, but in the end they cannot reach the other shore, what is the problem? It lies in the deviation of the concept of family education.
What are the characteristics of today's children? Who exactly does today's family philosophy want to cultivate? Only by building a good family education concept and understanding children can we find the direction of "this ship". In fact, only parents themselves really understand what is good, and cultivating children is the direction.
At present, family education is facing a completely new problem. When educating a child, only by clearly knowing what the child is now, will not make big mistakes when interacting with the child, and will understand and help the child when he has a certain situation. Today's children have an innate sense of loneliness. Once people feel lonely, they will be sad for no reason and shed tears inexplicably. There was a case in which a mother anxiously told a psychiatrist that her daughter must cry once a day before going to bed, which is caused by loneliness. Once people feel lonely, their thinking ability will become very strong. Now a 4-year-old child, in a daze, can think, their pain has been completely different from the pain felt by the previous generation when they were children.
Today's children are too emotionally burdened. Most of the children are the "only seedlings" in the family, set thousands of pets in one, basically every child is surrounded by 6 elders full of expectations, which makes children feel a huge emotional burden. This is likely to lead to too much burden on the body, but let the child have the idea of "breaking the jar and breaking the can": I can't repay your kindness, and you shouldn't pour too much expectation into me.
Today's children are under unprecedented pressure. Children will feel a lot of anxious emotions, which may come from teachers or parents. From the beginning of primary school, teachers are very anxious, they are both the executors of test-taking education, but also the victims, such teachers always talk about the exam, and the emotions conveyed to the children are always anxious. And when the child returns home, if the parent is more anxious than the teacher, the child who is always immersed in the anxiety of others will be stagnant. Therefore, as a parent, we must tell our children that the happiness of parents is not given by you, it is natural for us to raise you to grow up, not an equivalent exchange, and happiness is the subjective experience of your own life.
Today's children are protected by their parents like flowers in a greenhouse, growing up in the sound of love and praise, and cannot withstand any wind and rain.
Bismarck, germany's iron-blooded chancellor, said: "For the indomitable, there is no such thing as failure." But if the child is afraid of losing, he does not dare to compete and dare not try, why not persevere? Without experiencing "losing", how can there be "winning"?
Children are afraid of losing because their parents are too calculating
The child is afraid of losing and afraid of not being able to win the first place, so he is not even willing to try it. The reason may be that parents are too worried about the gains and losses of one city and one pool.
Have you ever said anything like this in front of your child:
"How good is the little flower next door!" Envy is dead. ”
"Across the street Xiaoming won the award again!" It's someone else's child again, alas. ”
"Xiao Qiang's grades have regressed, you don't want to play with him anymore!"
If even the parents themselves feel that winning is good, and if they lose, their lives are dark, how can children not be afraid of losing?
What should I do if my parents don't love me when I lose, what should I do if my classmates don't play with me, and what should I do if my teacher criticizes me in public? ......
The price of "losing" is too great!
In order to "not lose", it is best not to compete with others, even if you will lose the opportunity to "win".
Success and failure are only a vague definition for the child, but the performance of the parent will be deeply imprinted in his heart, affecting the child's view of winning or losing.
Why do some children lose once, but they can continue to move forward and strive to win more times; why do some children lose once, but they have never recovered, and even made some extreme behaviors?
Every parent wants their child to be the champion, but there is only one champion, and most people have to experience failures and setbacks. Only when parents have a good mentality of "losing", children can concentrate on enjoying the process of the game, neither being discouraged by defeat, nor being blinded by victory.
If you can afford to lose, you can win
Seeing the other party's victory, heartfelt appreciation and blessings, and then throwing yourself into the next game in a full state, this mentality is to win.
Angela Duckworth, a professor of psychology at the University of Pennsylvania, summed it up:
The core element of a person's success is not IQ, not emotional intelligence, not family situation, not the so-called test scores, but the psychological resilience of the person.
Once, when the 32-year-old veteran Gong Lijiao won the gold medal, she cried. She said:
"I finally did it! I've been waiting for 21 years for this day! People must have dreams, and if they come true, today I finally realized them. ”
Before the Olympics, Gong Lijiao had always been the hope of domestic women's shot put, but every time she was full of confidence to win the gold medal at the Olympic Games, fate always gave her a stick.
In the last Rio Olympic Games, Gong Lijiao, who stood on the Olympic field for the third time with great expectations, played abnormally in a rain battle and only won the fourth place.
At that time, Gong Lijiao was already 28 years old, which was also the age when many athletes retired. Injuries combined with frustration left her very confused. But in the end she persevered.
She said to herself: "The dream in my heart has not yet been realized, we must stick to it." ”
In fact, it is precisely because she fell and then got up again that she was able to stand where she is today.
No one wins all the time, and our lives often suffer all kinds of failures. It is better to teach children how to afford to lose than how to win.
Only those who can afford to lose dare to constantly try and challenge, and only then can they surpass themselves.
Parents who can afford to lose understand the value and significance of failure, and the children who are educated are also atmospheric and confident, giving their children more inspiration and flexibility in life, and the children naturally move forward.
Having said all this, what kind of parents who "can afford to lose"?
01
Parents who can afford to lose, do not have "other people's children" in their mouths
Parents' behavior and words do not cause psychological hints to the child, for example, which behavior of the child is better than other children, they will desperately praise him, and which child is worse than other children, they will intentionally or unintentionally show a certain disappointment, and have been chanting "other people's children" in the child's ear It is easy for the child to form a huge pressure and a strong sense of inferiority.
Don't hurt your own children with "other people's children", because "other people's children" are not all good.
Children who can talk and laugh are difficult to concentrate, children who think carefully are more silent, and the advantages and disadvantages of each child are coexisting and relative. Taking one's own shortness as one's own longer than one's own will often hurt the child's enterprising spirit.
As everyone knows, in the eyes of other parents, your child also has many sparkling advantages!
02
Parents who can afford to lose do not care about the gains and losses of one city and one pool
The quiz should be the first, the piano should be over ten levels, the game should be awarded, and the academic performance should be the first in the school! The result of all kinds of competition is often mediocre, how many all-round prodigies can there be?
The child's ability and energy are limited, and if he can do the key and good things well, he has already won at the starting line. After all, life is so long, now the scramble and calculation of some things, maybe in five years and ten years will find that it is more beneficial to the growth of children to concentrate on the key earlier.
Not counting the gains and losses of one city and one pool, sometimes it is a kind of wisdom and a kind of foresight.
03
Parents who can afford to lose are not anxious, do not blindly follow, and do not give up
There are losses and wins, and only then can there be enterprising and breakthroughs. Some parents are too anxious and often instill in their children the theory of "losing = failing = life is over". Every day of life is new and unknown, as a parent, how can you bear to limit your child's future with your own thoughts?
Anxious parents are prone to blind obedience, and children will also follow with lack of self-confidence and give up in learning and life. If the child lacks independent judgment in everything and stops in distress, how can he have a chance to win? Not to mention what a winning general!
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