Recently, actor Wang Zulan recalled his love story with his wife Li Yanan at the premiere of the movie "A Day That Belongs only to Us".
During the period, he also confessed to his wife affectionately, he said that there are not many female friends, it is enough to have Li Yanan, and Li Yanan is his best friend.
In my opinion, this is more touching than words such as "love you for ten thousand years" and "love you forever", and is in line with a more mature concept of love.
You must know that when Wang Zulan said such a thing in public, he put forward high requirements for himself.
In the entertainment circle of yingying and swallow, many male stars have gossip and cover up with "good friends" and "female friends".
Wang Zulan dared to say in public that he only had his wife and a good friend, which was equivalent to cutting off his own back road, giving the public the right to supervise himself, and also giving his wife a full sense of security.
And Wang Zulan's words also inadvertently allude to the way of intimacy: the best intimate relationship should be like friends.
01
Good relationships are as well-defined as friends
Many people think that intimacy should be as good as a person, you have me, I have you, which is actually a huge misunderstanding of the relationship.
If you love me, you should know me warmly and warmly, and you should meet all my needs.
A classic line of Cecilia Cheung in "Hedong Lion Roar" makes many women break through their defenses and is regarded as the highest ideal of love.
"From now on, you are only allowed to hurt me alone, to spoil me, not to deceive me;
Promise me to do everything, to be sincere in every word I say, not to bully me, to scold me, to believe me;
Others bully me, you have to come out to help me at the first time;
I am happy, you will accompany me to be happy;
Always think that I am the most beautiful, and you must see me in your dreams, and there is only me in your heart, and that's it. ”
It's really ideal to find a husband like this, right?
But is this looking for a husband or a father?
True intimacy is the relationship between two adults, both of whom have their own independent will, things that are important to them, and things they care about.
Asking the other person to let go of their own needs and put their own needs first in everything is almost a baby-like requirement.
Many people have this clear understanding of friends, knowing that just friends, helping themselves and satisfying themselves when the other party is willing is a very grateful and fortunate thing.
If the other party cannot satisfy himself in time, he can generally give understanding and understanding.
Only by getting along in this way can both parties be able to easily be themselves.
And people who have high expectations for intimate relationships, once the other party does not satisfy themselves, the light is silently sullen, and the heavy is complaining, accusing and even speaking evil words to each other, pushing the other party farther and farther.
For example, this paragraph in "Hedong Lion Roar" is regarded by many women as the theory of love bible, and a little analysis will know how unreliable it is.
The single sentence "Only let me hurt alone" has already overwhelmed many people.
You know, a person who is full of love in his heart, or who has the habit of taking care of others, can never take care of only one person.
Even in work, life, even in front of strangers, his past habits will make him can't help but help the people around him, often lend a helping hand, and have compassion for most people.
If a person is cold to others, has no intimate behavior, and prefers to be alone with you, it is really abnormal and not in line with human nature.
Like friends, allow each other to have their own traits and characteristics, do not try to transform them, do not impose their will on each other, and maintain clear boundaries.
Such a relationship is a mature relationship.
02
Good relationships are like friends who know each other
Intimacy focuses on the word "intimacy", and intimacy is not the physical intimacy that many people imagine, or the intersection of life, but in the in-depth understanding of the inner world, such as:
Do you know what the other person believes and what the other person's biggest dream is?
Do you know what the other person regrets the most?
Do you know what the other person's most painful experience is?
Can you see how the other person feels about something?
These innermost secrets are heart-to-heart communication.
It is not limited to what the other party likes to eat, what kind of TV dramas the other party likes to watch, and what clothes the other party likes to wear.
It is only when two people reach this spiritual level of communication that their hearts are completely open to each other.
Only then can you truly feel that your life is seen and illuminated.
Many people may not know that Wang Zulan and Li Yanan have common beliefs and are both religious.
Wang Zulan met Li Yanan for the first time, this tall, thin, and excellent temperament of the beautiful woman's bag is not a luxury, cosmetics, but a "Bible", this detail suddenly poked Wang Zulan.
This makes the two have a very consistent three views, such as absolute fidelity to marriage, once married, they must go on firmly.
In order to fulfill this agreement, Wang Zulan said that every time he went out with his friends, it was a large number of hula people.
And they all gather with their families, in order to avoid the complicated things in the entertainment industry from falling into reality, and at the same time, they can strongly restrain themselves.
So the two have been together for more than seven years, and almost never heard of any gossip, infidelity and other messy gossip between the two sides.
About to benefit from the high degree of spiritual fit between the two people, the three views are highly consistent.
Once, Wang Zulan said with a sad face when mentioning Li Yanan: "Ya Nan often cries alone at home, his parents are not around, and his husband is not around when he is married." ”
From this sentence, we can glimpse the mystery that Wang Zulan can catch up with Li Yanan, he saw Li Yanan's emotions and feelings, and resonated with Li Yanan in his soul.
Can feel the depths of Li Yanan's heart, in order to discover the other party's secret needs.
So Wang Zulan took the initiative to quit his thriving career and concentrate on accompanying Li Yanan.
This is a world of difference from forcing the other person to cooperate with themselves and satisfy themselves.
When you can see the feelings of the other person, it is a natural thing to want to satisfy the other party.
He understands her, and she supports him, which has achieved a double harvest of feelings and careers.
03
Good relationships are mutually beneficial and win-win like friends
Wang Zulan and Li Yanan have been together for seven years, and their relationship has been very stable, even if many people did not look up to them at first, thinking that they were not a good match at all.
You know, when this couple first got married, Wang Zulan's career had just started.
Li Yanan has won the 2005 Miss Chinese International and the 2014 Miss Chinese Vancouver.
Not only that, Li Yanan also participated in many classic TVB dramas.
Tall figure, outstanding appearance, can be said to be the goddess that many people can not hope for.
Wang Zulan is not tall, handsome, and has no background, which can be counted as climbing Li Yanan at the beginning.
But now, seven years later, the emotional status of the two has hit many people in the face, not only love each other as before, but even have signs of getting better and better.
Especially in the career is getting better and better, the small family has a taste, which can be described as a double harvest of love and career.
Carefully analyzing this pair of partners, when Li Yanan's career is more outstanding, Wang Zulan will fully support her career.
And when Wang Zulan came to the top, there were more opportunities, Li Yanan would soon adjust his mentality, adjust his posture, willingly put down his career, do a good job of xiannei help, do some housework, and let Wang Zulan fight for his career without hesitation.
And when Li Yanan encountered difficulties, could not feel the sense of value in the family, and had some bitterness and annoyance, Wang Zulan could feel the boredom of the other party and simply and neatly put down her career to accompany her.
This pair comes and goes, paying each other to support each other, there is no unilateral continuous demand from one party, and the other party has long suppressed grievances.
It's an extremely mature, beautiful intimate relationship.
The relationship that allows both parties to become more and more excellent must be mutually beneficial and win-win.
We all have the experience of making friends, and we all know that in the face of our confidants and friends, we can't help but want to give, want each other to become better, and at the same time very willing to accept each other's giving.
This mutual benefit and reciprocity may be complementary in terms of personality, mutual giving in life, and mutual care in career.
And if the payment is only on one side, it becomes a demand and a squeeze, and such a relationship will certainly not last long.
The kind of banner of "you love me" and demanding that the other party should pay for themselves endlessly is actually an "emotional blackmail".
The party who asks will become more aggressive, gain inches, and only want more;
The party being asked will one day be overwhelmed, unable to withstand such a lot of pressure, and take the initiative to destroy the relationship.
Find a friend-like lover.
There is no need to be vigorous, the dog blood catches the horse, as long as they support each other, complement each other, nourish each other, respect each other, communicate with each other, and meet the three views.
In the light clouds and light wind, taste the truest and longest love.
Author | He is a water-stopping healer, who holds the qualification certificate of psychological counselor of the Chinese Academy of Sciences and the qualification certificate of IHNMA international hypnotist, and is committed to exploring the depth and greatness of human nature.