A depressed person tells you how to get out of despair by adjusting your life pattern (3)

(Note: The content of this article continues the previous manuscript)

08

I think of a saying that Dr. Bao once said: You can't change others, just start by changing yourself. Oh, yes! My subconscious still wants to change my husband, but what I really want to do is change myself. So, when my husband was nagging the child, I practiced mindful breathing or walking away. Privately, I talk to my son and try to make his child's soul less hurt. When my husband was arguing with me, I also learned to pause and become aware. Although the days are difficult, the bumps and bumps have come by. Before my husband was threatening and constantly nagging, I used my own mindfulness method, not speaking, not refuting, as long as I paid attention to the breath, there would be an invisible force within me to bounce it out. But these days, I found myself particularly vulnerable inside, as soon as I saw my husband, I had a reflexive escape, and I was easily injured, accompanied by a sense of tension and fear. Especially when my husband was nagging at the children, my whole body was very tense, my chest was depressed and painful, and the feeling of fear surrounded me. His words were like sharp arrows piercing into my chest, deeper and deeper, unable to extricate myself. If there is another shock, it is estimated that I will faint. At this time, I can only follow the breath, is to follow, can not be said to be attention, there is no longer this energy to pay attention. After following the breath, my heart will be solid, and the fear will dissipate. But I have a hunch that this is not a long-term solution, and that if I continue in this state, sooner or later I will have to go back to the old way and fall into the quagmire of depression again. I urgently need to change my life patterns, I am groping, I am suitable to find a way.

After work at noon that day, I stayed in the office for a long time before leaving for home. My husband started nagging the kids again, I started to get nervous and scared again, and I could feel that my heart wasn't stressed enough and it was a little painful. I subconsciously remind myself that eating is eating, and focus on eating. During this period, I did not say a word, and when I finished eating, I began to solemnly speak to my husband: I am unwell these days, try not to nag in front of me, my body can not bear it. After saying that, I went upstairs and lay down on the bed to rest. The in-laws cared about me, and went upstairs one after another to ask: Leaf, is it a cold? Take some medicine for a cold, the recent stage is not very busy at work, then you have a good rest at noon.

I lost sleep again that night. Insomnia insomnia, take advantage of the free time to think about how to change the mode of life. I recalled my dreams two nights ago, and I knew that I had encountered problems at work, the workload was heavy, and the staff was unstable, which made me stressed and insecure. In fact, these are all temporary difficulties that can be solved. The real most important thing is the way you get along with your husband, this problem is not solved, and there will never be a head. I began to analyze rationally: my husband was dissatisfied with me, in fact, it was not entirely his fault, I myself had inertia, always let him urge behind me. Actually, I could have done it in front of him, but I was reluctant. I felt like jumping into a fire pit and becoming a slave when I entered this home. In fact, I don't need to be attached to them at all, I have my own job, and I have my own satisfactory income. Why should I do everything well and let him enjoy it, in fact, my subconscious is very hateful to this marriage. Maybe I'm resisting, hoping that my husband can make some changes, but as I wish, you can never wake up a person who pretends to be asleep. In this way, not only will it not change, but it will aggravate his antipathy and anger towards me, and more importantly, it will directly affect my body and mind, and eventually pull me back to the black hole of depression. Since I didn't have the courage to leave him, nor did I get to the point where I had the courage to face a person's life, I had to choose to change myself. Changing yourself is the most important thing, although it is not easy to change yourself, but once you start to act, I believe that a little bit of getting better is yourself.

09

If that's the case, then I'll honestly change myself. Children will always grow up, will always be independent, and will always show the day of high flying. Slaves also have a head on that day, don't you want to think that the White Lady was pressed under the Leifeng Pagoda for 20 years and didn't become an immortal? You can't live this life all your life, and you have to learn to look at things with the eyes of development. Starting tomorrow, get up half an hour early, and I'll have to go out before my husband washes up. As the old saying goes: The plan of a year lies in the spring, and the plan of the day lies in the morning, for a reason. Indeed, every morning when I got up to wash up, my conflict with my husband and I began. We would start to get upset with squeezing into a bathroom. Of course, I got up first to wash up, and then he had a premonition that he was too late, so he forced me to give up my position, and I put up with it. The point is that my husband often can't find a change of clothes, asks me to help find it, and is angry with me when he is slow (I admit that I am also confused, I have not sorted out the facts, and I always want to lie in bed for a few minutes). At the same time, I also urged my son to get up and wash up, basically my husband got up later than me and went out earlier than my mother. The husband will also sneer at the sentence: the action is so slow, don't make your son late! Then the door "snapped" and left.

As soon as I thought about it, I quickly got up and found my phone and re-set the alarm clock. So I was half awake and half asleep while watching my breath...

10

The next morning, as soon as I heard the alarm ring, I got up to wash up, and when the relevant information was ready, I asked my son to get up. When my son and I were getting ready to go out, my husband had just gotten up and came out of the bedroom. Husband asked: Why is it so early today? I replied: I don't want to occupy your place, I don't want to be angry, I can't hold it physically! The husband then said: They all say that I have a problem, and you don't look for the reason yourself. I listened to the knot in my chest and told my son to go out immediately.

I dropped my son off at the breakfast shop in front of the school and arranged for myself to eat at the breakfast shop near the studio. After breakfast, it was only 7:30 a.m. and a little early (8:00 a.m. Decide to go to Civic Square (close to the studio) and have a break!

11

I walked into the Civic Square and saw several old people practicing tai chi and dancing swords in the square, and one of them heard a mighty and majestic song: Standing like a pine, lying down is a bow... If I had heard this song before, I would have felt very heroic and dignified, and I would have hummed a few words along the way. But today when I hear this song, I have no interest at all, and I long for silence. I turned to a grove of trees in Civic Square, where the air was particularly nice and quiet. I found a clean stone to sit down and began practicing mindful breathing. I often wander, and I can't sit steadily, sometimes in a trance, sometimes I am particularly awake, I can perceive that my current state is very bad, I even have this thought: is it that after recognizing the facts, I will never return to the rare pleasure of confusion. Suddenly a kind of fear greeted him, and his whole body was cold. I said to myself in my heart: I am afraid that you will come, I have already laid flat, is it difficult for you to cut me? Suddenly, there was an experience: the fear dissipated through my internal organs, but I was unharmed. It was like the wind blowing wheat waves, and after the wind wave, the wheat head was still standing there steadily. Suddenly, I had confidence: fear is nothing more than that! I actually beat it this way. I started standing up and decided to practice mindful walking. I walked out of the woods and walked towards the fitness track. As I walk slowly, I feel the feeling of the soles of my feet touching the ground, and during this time, I will also lose my mind and have thoughts. I consoled myself: Yes, I am indeed depressed now, maybe I am really depressed, but rest assured, my mood is already at a low ebb, and no matter how bad it is, how bad it is. You just have to experience this feeling, accept this state, it will slowly climb up, and I have a K-line chart in the stock market in my mind. Unconsciously, I walked slowly 2 laps in the civic square, sweated a little, and felt a lot more relaxed.

12

Next, I followed the plan and walked for half an hour every morning to the Civic Square until I was sweating. Keep your distance from your family and don't participate in their topics. Although I still have insomnia and dreams every night, I can't remember the contents of the dream when I wake up.

One day at noon, my father-in-law talked to me. When it comes to the problem of children's learning, it means that the way of education is not appropriate. I cried and laughed at the time, and replied: Isn't Ah Xing in charge of children's learning now? If you have any ideas, just tell Ah Xing directly. I didn't want to get involved in this topic, I couldn't communicate with him, I didn't want to continue the argument. The father-in-law sighed: If I can communicate with him, will I still talk to you here? I didn't want to pay attention to my father-in-law's meaning at that time, and I said very directly: You have ideas, you have ideas, and you can't communicate in person, so you should write to him. He's not going to stop looking! Father-in-law reply: Is it useful to write a letter? I continued: You didn't write, how do you know if it's useful or not? You have a good idea to teach, ah, I am now in danger of myself. After saying that, he went into his room.

These days, the husband seems to have slightly restrained himself. One night, I saw a note at the dinner table that my father-in-law had written to my husband. I looked at the content, and a warm current suddenly emerged from my fragile heart. The beginning of the letter is: Ah Xing, talk to you, you say you know, there is no way to speak. Now write it on paper, I hope to read it. The letter wrote about the child's education method, hoping that Ah Xing would say less words, not only the family would think that you were wordy, but outsiders would think that you were sick. Be more patient with your child, listen, don't beat him to death with a stick, and give him a heavy punishment. The traffic police fine also listens to the driver to explain the reason, and the prisoner kills the head by him to write a suicide note. Learning to be afraid of suffering, greedy play is a common human nature, children are more difficult to control themselves. I hope you change your thinking, so that you can only cultivate stubborn students. I plan to work hard for 10 to 15 years, people do not work hard, do not work hard, time will pass...

The writing was very correct, and I could see that my father-in-law had spent his mind, and I was touched at that time. I saw my husband sitting on the couch looking at his phone, so I walked over and asked him if he had read the letter. The husband pretended not to care and replied: Look. I sat down behind him and stretched out my hands to massage his shoulders. He was a little uncomfortable and asked me what was on my mind. While giving him a massage, I told him that Dad's letter was written sincerely, it was so well written, and we wanted to learn from him. He pretended not to think so, then loosened his shoulders and relaxed. While I massaged him, my eyes were moist: in fact, my husband is also a person who needs psychological treatment, and he is also insecure. Can I change the character pattern and become his psychotherapist?! Suddenly, my heart was softer... (Note: This content is not finished to be continued, see the next draft for details)