Wen | cong is not from it
A friend said that his 8-year-old son has always had an emotional breakdown recently, yelling, and throwing a tantrum if he is not happy. "As a mom, I don't know how to comfort him."
Yes, the child often loses his temper and the mother comes to ask for help on how to soothe him. On the one hand, there will indeed be many bad consequences in this way, and mothers will naturally worry. But at the same time, it was also a victory for the child, the mother was very worried about him, wanted to comfort him, he successfully won the attention of the mother.
This child has successfully mastered the secret of getting his mother's attention – an emotional breakdown.
Every child is struggling to figure out how to get their mom's attention. Every time a child tries to be successful, he unconsciously reinforces this approach. Some children find that being good can attract mothers, some children find that excellence can attract mothers, and some children find that naughtiness can attract mothers.
So, you can observe: in your home, who will attract your attention in what way? In what way did you get the attention of other members?
The friend added: this son is the eldest, and there is a 3-year-old second. The second is in the trouble-making period, sometimes the boss is writing homework, and the second brother will come to make trouble. The old assembly pushed the second brother away and said that he wanted to "duel", and sometimes the second brother would cry. At this time, my mother would say, "You're so old, you should let your brother." The boss said, "I want to be fair." He can bully me, why can't I bully him!" And the mother's reaction is: they are all brothers, a family, where there is fairness and unfairness!
"The big should let the small", the harm of this sentence is equivalent to "the woman should let the man", which is a sentence that isolates the child, which is equivalent to saying: I and the little one are together, you are the outsider, and you are not cared about by this family.
From the mother's point of view, both children are their own, and there is no fairness and unfairness in the left hand and the right hand. But from the child's point of view, the other party is just a competitor, I let him, who will let me.
The mother is showing the boss that the three-year-old brother can get the attention, protection and support of his mother through crying, and he will not hesitate to hurt another 8-year-old child.
Throwing a tantrum is a good weapon.
In such a family relationship, the husband of a friend also joins in, and he will say to the wife: The child has such a big temper all day, and you are not in good charge. Friends feel very wronged, is it that I don't want to care? I don't know how to manage ah, I can't manage ah, what is the use of your tantrums with me?
The dad in the family lost his temper with mom. Although this mother refuted it, there was still some identification in her heart, and she felt that she should indeed be like her father said, take good care of the child and make her father satisfied. But she couldn't do it, so she was very aggrieved. A mother who does not identify with herself shows that the emotion is anger and counter-accusation: "Why say me!" Why don't you care!"
Every family has its own language.
In a home, it is not the mother who decides, it is not the child who decides, it is not the father who decides. The home has an obvious but invisible master: emotions. Whoever has emotions has the final say. Who has emotions, who has the right to speak. Whoever has emotions, who is taken care of. Whoever has the greater emotions, the more care they get.
For Mom, her subconscious doesn't want to take care of anyone, she's just taking care of "people with emotions." Whoever has a big emotion for me, I take care of them. Whoever has emotions can bind me. The eldest, the second, and the husband can all use emotions to drive me.
For this friend, her life was to fight fires. It's not putting out this fire, it's putting out that fire; it's not putting out a big fire, it's putting out a small fire. In other words: her life is always solving problems, solving endless problems. Therefore, we have to solve the urgent problem, and whoever has the greatest emotion represents the urgency of the problem. She was tired, but she didn't have time to get tired. She didn't know what to do.
I can't give advice either. Because, she did not think: what she lacked was not the method, but the energy. A person who has no energy, no matter how many methods will not be able to exert, feel that they have no way.
Where did her energy go? How can a person who does not take care of himself have the energy. Things are so important, other people's emotions are so important, where have you gone?
You're so busy that you don't have time to take care of yourself. Everyone is important, are you the least important one?