Two days ago, a parent said to me: "Today's children, it is really a little bit." How this child is like a powder keg, big things and small things, can explode. When I get along with my classmates, I am very good, how did I get to the house and become like this? This is not only her distress, but also the current situation of many families. Children love to lose their temper, and parents either fight violence with violence, or suppress themselves and try to be "tolerant" parents. Every time there is a holiday, many families have to sigh that "the love between mother and child will be consumed." Unexpectedly, one mother said, "I envy you." She was silent for a while, and told everyone under the puzzled eyes of everyone: "My eldest daughter has lost her temper with me and does not talk to me much." "This mother's words surprised everyone...
In fact, the child's tantrum can not only be attributed to the "bad temper", perhaps when the child gets along with his classmates, when playing games, and when doing favorite crafts, he can have patience! So the question is, why is the child not grumpy, but always loses his temper? This may not be the child's occasional "unruly" and "adolescent rebellion", but he is sending a distress signal when he is suffering from "illness".
There is a hot question on Zhihu: Why do children get bizarre depression?
In fact, there has never been any "bizarre" depression, and psychological studies have pointed out that excessive depression in childhood and lack of luster are more likely to suffer from depression in adulthood. Parents are negligent for a while and scold their children, which is likely to cause shadows in the child's life. Let the child's heart accumulate grievances and losses, and eventually can only grope in the dark, and slowly "sick" physically and mentally.
Children's tantrums are actually their "distress signals", but many times they are ignored by us. Adults often feel that children don't understand anything, but in fact, children see everything in their eyes, but they can't express it. Children understand the helplessness and compromise, perfunctory and excuses of the adult world, and they are more able to judge from the actions of their parents whether they are loved or not. If parents always turn a deaf ear and turn a blind eye to their children's feelings, it will leave a huge hidden danger to the growth of children. When a child loses his temper, we should accept and understand. Parenting is self-nurturing, and the appearance of each problematic child is also a distress signal sent by the family. Only by taking the child's temper seriously can the child gain the strength to grow in the acceptance and understanding of the parents.
"Children's tantrums are actually a manifestation of their inner insecurity, which seems to be putting pressure on their parents, but is actually asking for help from the people closest to them." Although this method is not good, it is also sending a distress message to my parents: I am uncomfortable, please help me.
Behind every "problem" child, there is often a problem family. To really solve the problem, it is often necessary to start with the family itself. So, what types of families are children most likely to go wrong?
The first: high expectations and high control of parents
Although parents have good intentions, if the expectations are too high and the child's ability is not enough to achieve, a huge sense of frustration and guilt will make the child fall into pain and anxiety. This kind of high control is a deprivation of the child's autonomy, and it is also a doubt and denial of the child's ability. Children under high control are either rebellious or inferior, and no matter which one, the child is miserable.
The second: misalignment of family relationships
In the family relationship, the husband and wife relationship is the first, followed by the parent-child relationship. People's time and energy are limited, and the more they pay attention to their children, the more they will ignore their other half. And everyone has the requirement of being loved and being concerned and affirmed, which will lead to the party who is snubbed and ignored, or crazy work to seek affirmation and attention from the career, or to seek warmth and care from others. Either way, it will inevitably lead to problems in the relationship between husband and wife and family relations. Either way, the child is very pitiful.
The third kind: parents are full of contradictions
Healthy families, a triangular relationship between parents and children, are flowing with love, there is no hostility, no alliance between the three, support each other, love each other. And conflicted parents, the relationship between husband and wife is often very tense, and it is difficult for children to get a sense of security from such a relationship. What's even more frightening is that parents who resent each other often attack and blame each other, and will pull their children to take sides. Parent-child relationship and parent-child relationship are important factors affecting the healthy and happy growth of children. The appearance of each problem child is actually sending a signal for the family to call for help. Focusing on the child, turning to yourself, turning to the relationship in the family, finding out the real root cause of the problem, and then making changes and remedies is the key to avoiding the emergence of problem children.
Children lose their temper, most likely these four reasons.
1, children themselves are more prone to anxiety than adults.
2. When the parents' desire to control is too strong, they encroach on the child's independent will. In order to prove their independence, the child begins to rebel, begins to lose his temper or oppose his parents.
3, "bad mood, want to lose a temper." Bad mood and temper are all "expressions" of children. No child is deliberately unreasonable, they just ask for it and can't produce a huge sense of frustration, and when they don't know how to solve it, they use hitting people, throwing tantrums, dropping things, etc. as catharsis.
4, through the way of tantrums, let parents pay attention, so as to care about their own ideas. Friends, the history of human development proves that no force can destroy the next generation, except the previous generation. Children cannot choose their parents, but parents can choose a better way to educate. A child's tantrum is not necessarily a bad thing. From when does the child dare not lose his temper and is unwilling to express it? It starts with when they feel that expression is useless and parents don't understand; from when they express it and aren't accepted and scolded; when they express it, parents always blame their children for being wrong.
Therefore, parents who can allow their children to lose their temper can raise children who are relaxed and happy. Children lose their temper, and acceptance and guidance should coexist. Acceptance is not the same as indulgence, and at the same time, they need to be guided to know where the way is. Truly mature parents will not just want to deal with their children's problems, but first deal with their children's feelings. When parents finally know what is tormenting their children and work hard to change the way they treat them, their children's symptoms will basically disappear.
From now on, let the "home" become a place to store love, let the child bathe in "love" growth! I believe that one day, the child can grow into an emotionally healthy adult, confident to love, brave to run.
Contributed by the Rights and Interests Department of the Provincial Women's Federation
Propaganda Department of the Provincial Women's Federation
Produced by the Provincial Women's Federation Network and New Media Center