Friends, I am a psychological consultant of the Gansu Provincial Women's Federation, a national second-level psychological counselor, Zhou Zhiling, and the president of the Gansu Women's and Children's Psychological Counseling Association.
In recent days, many counseling cases have led me to discover that many parents have put a lot of effort into raising children to solve various problems in their children, but often backfire. They are desperate to get a way to quickly change their children.
Parent A: "My youngest son is not interested in learning, his personality is very stubborn, his courage is very small, and he does not dare to communicate with his classmates and teachers." And he also especially likes to bully his brother, two children can not be together. He was at home and out. Sometimes, he bullied his brother because of some foot washing, remote control and other things. He is also very angry, asks him why he does not tell you, and is unwilling to share. ”
Parent B: "My child is 14 years old, has dropped out of school at home for 3 months, played with mobile phones at home all day, and found a fruit knife under his bed the day before yesterday, I am worried about him all day now, and I can't do a good job." When I was a child, I was so obedient, so cute and painful. He used to go to school as a good student, so how did he become like this after he went to junior high school? ”
Friends, when you use your own perspective, your own ideas and your own cognition to determine whether a child is good or bad. Have you ever thought that in fact, the problems of children are just some of the problem concepts you think you think are projected onto the child. All of the child's "bad behavior" is a disguised cry or help, because they cannot express their hearts through normal channels. As parents, we must respond to the needs of our children in a timely manner. Because if there is no timely response from parents, it will accumulate day by day, which will have more impact on the child's future. A good childhood heals a lifetime, and a bad childhood heals with a lifetime, because childhood wounds will always haunt us unless we have the ability to heal it ourselves.
Many parents may have experienced a volcanic eruption of anger, yelling, and unable to control their behavior in the process of raising their children. In fact, parents' emotions will directly affect the psychological development of children. Children have a strong ability to absorb, and they will soak in our stupidity and madness like a sponge. If children always see us imposing our feelings on others or constantly blaming each other, they will grow up to repeat the same mistakes.
Despite this, some parents invariably make the same mistake. They often impose their own will and ideas on their children, silently cultivating a "mini version" of themselves, they always want to teach their children what they think is the best, but forget that children should actually enjoy their rights to themselves.
Problem juveniles do not form overnight. Their problem is the result of the long-term effects of suppressed real and false promises. Every decision made by parents may cause harm to the child or interrupt the child's progress, or make the child stagnant, or achieve the child and promote the child's growth!
Therefore, the awakening and change of parents is the real beginning of education.
If we don't awaken, we can't get in sync with the child's mind. If parents lack awareness, children will have to pay a huge price. Children will have emotional tension, anxiety, love to lie, distorted personality, causing different degrees of harm to the child's physical and mental health development, and the harmonious parent-child relationship will become more and more distant.
Excessive pampering, excessive attention, excessive medical care... All this has led to many children being unhappy. This is because unconsciously, we will carry our emotions to our children; unconsciously, we will pass on our unmet needs, unmet expectations, and unfulfilled dreams to them. No matter how good the motives, we still inherit the emotions of the previous generation from our parents and pass them on to our children. This emotion, passed down from generation to generation, can enslave children and weaken their abilities; this subconscious, if not thoroughly cleaned up, will permeate from generation to generation. Only the power of awakening can stop this cycle of pain that reverberates through the family.
There are no absolutely ideal parents in the world, and there are no absolutely ideal children, and it is natural to encounter many challenges in the process of raising children, which provides us with great opportunities. In the process of accompanying their children to grow, parents can only establish an intimate and harmonious relationship with their children by giving up their own vanity, ego, and control, respecting the child's nature, and accepting the child's authenticity. Of course, before accepting children, parents must first accept themselves, and parents with peaceful bodies and minds can lead their children to become mentally sound people. If we don't figure out what the emotional problems behind our children's behavior are, then their apparent bad behavior won't stop. The more directly and openly a child is able to express emotions, the less inappropriate behavior there will be. The self-regulation of emotions is always the goal of behavior shaping.
A good parent, he will shift the focus of education from the child to educate himself. When we educate ourselves well, the child is our beautiful projection, then he will naturally become better.
What do we need to awaken to?
First, we must awaken the mission and parenting concept of parenting, make ourselves a sober, living individual, and the process of raising children is a re-exploration and journey of life.
Second, awaken their relationship with the child, the child does not need our claims and expectations, authority and control, parents need to do is only to adjust the body and mind, in every moment with the child in harmony.
Third, awaken the ability to read their emotions and spirits, and remain vigilant in order to recognize their own growth experiences and the impact on their lifestyles, and then consciously do not let their children be affected by these negative influences. Only by settling their own body and mind can parents help their children grow into a sound person.
How to be an awakened parent?
First of all, we must get rid of the trauma of the past, devote ourselves to caring for the child, and do not let the pain in our hearts repeat itself in the child.
Second, do not deliberately arrange your child's life, and learn to guide correctly. Children are not forced to participate in various activities. Find out what interests them are and listen to the truth from their hearts.
Contributed by the Rights and Interests Department of the Provincial Women's Federation
Propaganda Department of the Provincial Women's Federation
Produced by the Provincial Women's Federation Network and New Media Center