In modern life, children's sense of reality is very weak. Experiencing the sense of reality in the virtual world, but having a sense of virtuality in the real world, this is their characteristic.
Kevin Xu, a doctor of psychology at Peking University, has a speech, "The Economics of Hollow Heart Disease and Anxiety in the Times", which deserves our attention.
Dr. Xu told the stories of several visitors.
They are all students who broke through the thousands of troops and horses during the college entrance examination and achieved excellent results, but they all suffered from "hollow heart disease".
They feel that they have never lived for themselves and have never really lived.
Their lives seem to be only good at studying and working well, but they don't know why they want to live.
"Hollow heart disease" looks a bit like depression, but if drugs or means of treating depression are used, they have no effect.
These excellent children have a strong sense of loneliness and powerlessness, and have no suicidal thoughts.
They just don't know why they want to live and what the meaning of living is.
How did "hollow heart disease" come about? Dr. Kevin Tsui said it was because of anxiety.
And the biggest anxiety in our lives is education.
Our education is not helping children grow, but destroying children.
Everything is in line with the score, ignoring the education of students' moral character, physical education, and aesthetic education, which has become the educational concept of many schools and families.
And everything that has nothing to do with learning is regarded as a flood beast.
Many children are obsessed with the Internet, which is a failure of reality education.
Instead of reviewing our own problems, we push our children to "Internet addiction schools" and shift the blame to online games.
I am reminded of a news I saw a few years ago: a child with excellent grades committed suicide by jumping off a building because his online game account was stolen.
His parents cried out for the government to crack down on all online games.
I remember the TV media commentators at the time saying that just because the game account was stolen, this baby was also too "glass heart".
Is this really necessary? Is it really that important? It's really that important, why?
Professor Chen Mo of East China Normal University gave a lecture on the psychological characteristics of urban only children, and Professor Chen mentioned a point of view: the sense of reality of today's urban children is very weak.
In modern life, children's sense of reality is very weak.
They experience a sense of reality in the virtual world, but in the real world they have a sense of reality, which is their characteristic.
Simply put, many children can't distinguish between the sense of reality and the sense of virtuality.
Why is it indistinguishable?
Because their world has always been in a state of learning, all the real affairs of children from childhood to adulthood have been taken care of, they only know how to study well, and the school has not provided children with the opportunity to deal with affairs, except for learning and making up lessons, there is no other activity.
There is no connection to the world, no more outdoor activities, not enough friends, no emotional connection.
Professor Chen Mo said that today's urban children's sense of reality is very weak as a result of education.
Instead, they are in the online world, able to find emotions that they can't get in real life, their words are heard on the Internet, and their emotions are understood on the Internet.
Even those tasks in online games allow them to experience the joy of cooperation, the honor of the team, and the sense of accomplishment of victory.
These all happen in the virtual online world, but give them a real and real emotional experience.
So, for the kid who jumped off the building because of the theft of his online game account, what he lost was not just an account, but a real emotional experience, and even his connection to the world.
As Dr. Kevin Tsui mentioned, his clients, the excellent children, only know to study well and work well, but they do not know what it is for to study well and work well, and their self-worth is nowhere to be reflected.
Why is that? Why did they lose themselves?
Because they lack emotional connection and nourishment, they can't find emotional support in real life.
Mr. Wu Zhihong, a psychology expert, said: "Relationship is everything, everything is for relationship. "But they're in real life, only learning, nothing to do with it."
Looking at parents, as parents, where do we spend our time and energy? Have we ever given our children true love and companionship? What are the topics we talk about the most with our children? Was it something interesting that happened today: what friends did he make, what activities he attended, or was it just how he studied: did he finish his homework, how many points did he get on the exam?
Why can't we have a richer emotional connection with our children? Why do most parents only talk about learning when they are with their children?
Parents talking about learning with their children may be an emotional isolation. What is quarantined? Isolate those emotional experiences of anxiety.
Dr. Xu said that "hollow heart disease" is the "hollow heart disease" of the times, not only the hollow heart of children, the whole society is also hollow, because today's Chinese society is more and more anxious, and our education is even more anxious to the point of only utilitarianism and exquisite self-interest.
In many families, emotions between parents and children are segregated.
Many parents have no way and have not learned to share emotions with their children. Therefore, when many parents face their children, the only topic is learning.
We can notice that in many families, especially those with primary and secondary school children, learning is the most important thing for children, or even the only thing.
At this time, the emotional connection between parents and children is very small, and children cannot experience the love of parents in family life.
Because the only topic that can be talked to parents at home is learning, which is also an important reason why many children are bored with school.
Some children do not perform well in school because they are in a state of being forced by their families and schools to do something important to their future.
Children are born with a sense of curiosity and exploration about the world, but parents often foolishly turn their children's natural learning motivation into the will of their parents.
We often hear parents say to their children, "If you don't get good grades, you won't find a good job later; if you don't get good grades, you won't be able to survive later." ”
This reminds me of a news story: a boy did not do well on his tests, and his father said that when he came home in the evening to clean him up, the boy committed suicide.
Many parents always stress to their children that you have to be good, you have to get good grades so that we can love you.
Not good, not worthy of work. This can greatly hurt the emotions between parents and children. At the same time, it also injects utilitarianism into the emotions between parents and children.
This utilitarianism is also manifested in the fact that when the child achieves excellent results, the parents say "don't be proud", the parents will still carry out emotional isolation, and calmly tell the child that "you have to continue to work hard".
The child originally wanted to share his joy with his parents, but when a basin of cold water was poured down, the child would feel that he would never be able to enjoy the joy of success, because he would never be able to meet the requirements of his parents.
When the child grows up, this subconscious psychology that goes deep into the bone marrow will make him a person who is always dissatisfied with himself, because he has never satisfied his parents.
Many people are like this, living a lifetime, never being able to satisfy others or satisfying themselves.
We can imagine how they will realize their view of their children's education when they become parents.
So, what can we do?
First of all, the most important thing is to distinguish which are the children's problems and which are their own anxieties.
There is a passage on the Internet that says that the best way to calm parents is to sit at a desk and pretend to read a book.
When children do this, the relationship between parents and children is already inverted.
Originally, in the learning problem, the child needs the emotional support of the parents, but the parents are often more anxious than the children, and the children have to free up their energy to pretend in order to appease the parents.
Learning is the child's own business, and the utilitarianism of parents, on the contrary, makes the child lose the motivation to learn and becomes learning for the parents.
Secondly, the child's heart will be nourished and grown in the family emotion, and between parents and children, there should be a lot of emotional connection and experience, do not only communicate with the child about learning.
Finally, hug your child so that he can experience what it's like to be integrated into the real world.
Innerly stable parents are the best gifts for children Despite anxiety, we still have to hug her tightly and tell her: "Daddy is here, Mommy is here." ”
Parents who are inherently safe and stable are the best gifts for their children.
This article is from "The parent-child relationship is right, the child's world is right", written by Wu Zaitian