All the questions in the child can be found in the parents.
When you criticize and dislike children, you may wish to first examine whether there is something wrong with your own way of education.
An educator once said:
"The hardest thing to accomplish in education is to make a child a voluntary and eager pursuit of knowledge."
A simple sentence tells the essence of education.
It took me 14 years to truly understand the truth of this sentence.
Once upon a time, I only knew how to force my children to study hard and get into a good school.
It wasn't until my son reached adolescence and was diagnosed with depression that I became acutely aware:
The so-called adolescent depression and hollow heart disease are actually many times children who are sick for their parents.
Why?
You can find the answer from my story.
Because I graduated from college, I have always been inferior to my academic qualifications.
Because, after working for more than ten years, I know all too well the importance of diplomas.
My high school classmate was successfully admitted to a key university that year, and now I earn an annual salary of 300,000 yuan.
And I, the degree of hard work may be no less than her, but it is only about 100,000 a year.
Not to mention those invisible welfare, social status, etc., the real society, from the college entrance examination began to divert.
Too many cases around me also made me realize that studying well is too important for ordinary children.
Therefore, from the beginning of my son's schooling, I was a strict "tiger mother", forcing my son to go to various tutoring classes, learn piano, learn to host...
Even if my son was very annoying, even if I spent most of my family income, I tried to coerce and induce my son to give up.
Elementary school is fine, although my son also cries and does not love to learn, but his arm can not twist his thigh, and finally I have the final say.
Since junior high school, my son has become rebellious, and the confrontation with me has become more and more intense.
I thought my son was too ignorant and accused him:
"I'm reluctant to eat and wear, and I'll save all my money to train you, so why don't you study hard?"
My son thinks I'm too controlling:
"You only know to force me to learn, and I am not a learning machine!"
I just don't want to learn! You yourself are only admitted to the college, and you still want me to enter the university?
Have the ability to test yourself?! ”
What my son said was like a knife, completely negating my efforts over the years, and I was so angry that I beat and scolded my son and broke the hanger.
During that time, my son quarreled with me by the neck, and when he was in a hurry, he jumped like thunder, smashing things madly, and the home was like a battlefield filled with smoke and smoke, and there was no longer the warmth of the past.
Looking at my son's hateful eyes, I refused to back down:
I'd rather make you hate me now, and I'd push you.
Unexpectedly, my strength did not wait for my son's compromise, but in exchange for a diagnosis:
My son is depressed!
How terrible adolescent depression is, I understand!
Over the years, I have also seen too many children who choose to be born lightly because of depression, and I did not expect that my son had actually reached this step.
In the week I got the diagnosis, I was confused.
I didn't dare to force my son to study, nor did I dare to scold him, but I only cared about his diet and living, but my son was full of hostility to my concern.
No matter how unacceptable it is, we must face the results.
I began to reflect, and I vaguely realized, that it was my education style that caused my son to be the way he is now, but what should I do?
During those dark, painful times, I was miserable every day, really helpless.
I had to take the initiative to look through the books, videos and lectures related to adolescent depression, but I still didn't know anything.
Fortunately, there was a friend's sister who taught psychology at Beijing Normal University and knew a lot about family education, so I cheekily asked a friend to come to her WeChat.
I asked the teacher a question that had been confused for a long time:
"I don't understand, I just want to give the best to the child, so that he can accumulate capital and live a good life in the future, why can't the child understand me and is depressed?" 」
The teacher told me that not only depression, but also many common problems in adolescent children, such as boredom, rebellion, dropouts, etc., are caused by parents and wrong family education.
Families who think carefully about those "problem children" can mostly follow the vine to find the root of the disease.
What parents see is the child's problem behavior;
What I didn't see was that the child had endured a lot and finally collapsed intolerably.
"Many parents can't believe it when they hear that their child is diagnosed with depression.
In fact, adolescence is the predisposing stage of depression! ”
The main reasons are as follows:
First, at this stage, children have higher academic pressure and a boring life of two points and one line.
At school, it is a highly tense learning atmosphere, and when I return home, my parents' preaching is counted, there are endless homework, endless classes, every day is very tired, and there is little time for entertainment and relaxation.
The second is a heightened sense of self and becoming sensitive and suspicious.
Adolescence is the stage of self-awareness development.
Children in this period are highly concerned about their own image in the minds of others, and it is easy to produce impulsivity, inferiority and other psychology in the face of interpersonal communication, and emotional fluctuations are large.
The third is the lack of channels for emotional catharsis.
Adolescent children are restless in their hearts, have a low ability to withstand setbacks, and their relationship with their parents is not as harmonious as when they were young, but they have to face a high-pressure life and parents' incomprehension, and more and more negative emotions accumulate.
The above factors make these teenage children unable to see the meaning of life.
Don't know what you are doing, so there is no direction, no meaning in life, let the child's heart become empty, this is a very typical "adolescent hollow heart disease"!
"And parents for the good of their children, constantly urge children to study hard, give children more weight, coupled with unscientific family education methods, such as numbers, strong persecution, scolding, the continuous accumulation of pressure will become the last straw to overwhelm the camel, and eventually lead to children overwhelmed."
After listening to the teacher's analysis, the scenes of getting along with my son in the past flashed through my mind as quickly as a movie:
I remembered him begging me not to go to piano lessons, but I screamed at him;
I remember him crying and accusing me of being domineering and authoritarian, and I thought it was right;
This is only a part of the fragment, and so much persecution day and night, it is the cold that makes my son suppressed.
It turned out that it was me who was wrong, but my son was sick for me.
Thinking of those children who are depressed, I am shrouded in deep fear, what should I do to reverse all this and help my children get out of depression?
The teacher told me that by bravely standing by the child's side, facing it together, listening, understanding, accepting, and becoming his strong backing, the relationship and life will become completely different.
"Adolescent children, with the thriving vitality of small animals, as long as they give him a little sunshine, he can find his own direction and continue to grow."
According to the actual situation of my son, the teacher gave me three suggestions:
1. Observe and feel the child's inner feelings, and be a good "siren" around the child.
Carefully observe, capture the child's psychological changes, and truly "see" the child.
Many parents do not think at all when their children begin to be depressed, or even when their children take the initiative to tell them that "I may have depression", thinking that it is just an ordinary adolescent rebellion, and the child is "doing" to show adults.
I don't care about the child's shouting again and again, because the parents do not really "look" at the child with their hearts and regard the child as the object of their own orders.
For adolescent children, threatening, scaring, nagging, and throwing tantrums is not only useless, it can be counterproductive.
Looking back on the conflict between me and my son, the reason why it intensified was that in addition to forcing him to study, it was more about my discipline and threat to him.
When he didn't listen to me and wanted to do what he wanted, I was still educating him in an automated way.
There was no "seeing" of his repeated cries, blindly persecuting with the power of his parents.
Finally by the time the alarm bell rang, it was too late.
2. See the child, affirm the child, and help the child find self-worth.
Adolescent children begin to awaken due to self-awareness, it is normal to try to break through constraints and discipline, and even making mistakes is the price of growth.
Therefore, parents should respect their children's sense of independence and avoid directive "education".
After encountering difficulties, problems and setbacks, children need analysis and guidance from their parents, and this analysis and guidance should also be friendly.
Second, be patient and persistent in supporting your child to do what he likes.
Approach the child, understand the child, find his strengths from it, and sincerely praise the child.
If in the eyes of the child, the parents only stare at their own academic performance, never satisfied, always from above the command, the communication between parents and children will be cut off.
In the long run, there will be serious consequences such as depression, rebellion, and depression.
3. Correctly view adolescent depression, do not hide the disease and avoid medical treatment.
Depression is a disease, don't mistakenly think that like a cold, carrying it will be good.
In addition to adjusting their own mentality and education model, parents should also take their children to actively seek medical treatment and follow the doctor's instructions for treatment.
In this way, the two-pronged approach will eventually lead to the day when the clouds will see the sun.
On the contrary, if parents see their children's depression as a shame, deny the child's symptoms, and refuse to be honest about the child's current situation in front of friends and relatives, that kind of disgust, without saying it, the child can feel it completely.
At this time, the child feels the pain of not being accepted by the parents.
How can a child who is "rejected" by his parents not despair?
Where did he get the energy to get out of the haze and get better?
Compared with the future of the child, the face of the parents is really insignificant.
Frozen three feet, not a day's cold.
It is not easy to re-establish a good parent-child relationship and gain the trust of the son.
In the process of understanding, I realized more and more how much harm my wrong way had caused my son, and there was a passage that was deeply imprinted in my mind:
The pain of adolescent children comes from the words and deeds of classmates and teachers, but ultimately it is directed at their parents.
They are depressed, self-harming, etc., and ultimately just want to win back the attention and love of their parents.
I changed the original communication mode, giving my son complete trust and acceptance, and giving him plenty of time.
What grades, what studies, I don't care so much, I only hope that the sun will shine into my son's heart as soon as possible.
I respected his opinion and stopped all the interest classes I didn't want to learn.
To my surprise, my son took the initiative to keep one of them:
"Although I don't really want to learn, but taking this course has helped me a lot, so rational thinking should be retained."
It can be seen that children can communicate, and what they could not communicate before is actually me.
And when I really reflected on myself, no longer so eager to make a quick profit, not to urge, not to preach, not to blame, my son gradually let me see his change:
From being irritable and "don't want to say" at the beginning of a few words, to being able to have a peaceful conversation with me and communicate the next study plan, everything naturally develops in a good direction.
When I took my son to a follow-up clinic a few months later, the doctor told me that my son's depression performance was much better and he could stop the drug.
My son also said to me:
"Mom, I don't think I can control my emotions like before, so you can rest assured!"
At that moment, the boulder in my heart finally fell to the ground, and I walked out of the hospital looking at the blue sky and white clouds, and there was a long-lost ease.
Walking through that long dark tunnel, I wanted to say to parents:
Don't look at your child's adolescence as a flood beast, when you face up to the various emotions of your child's adolescence and adjust your own education methods through your child's state, you will find a turning point in parent-child relationship.
Behind those children who are depressed in adolescence, there is often a parent who stands still and refuses to grow.
Regardless of the age of the child, it is vital for parents to maintain self-awareness and growth.
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