Recently, the circle of friends is brushing the story of the "Little Tadpole Finds Mother" version:
The little tadpoles happily came to their mothers: "Mom! Mom! You're here! ”
The mother frog asked, "Is the homework done?" ”
"Go ahead, she's not our mom."
The little tadpoles scattered and fled. Some netizens said, "Homework is finished" This sentence is really heartfelt, because I have been here since I was a child.
This is a heartfelt question, asking how many family emotional barriers. No wonder the little tadpoles said, "Go ahead, she's not our mother." ”
Because the child has no idea whether the mother loves herself or her homework.
01
Many parents are saying that their children are not studying hard and writing homework is not serious. So what does it mean to be hard and serious?
A netizen shared on Weibo that when she was in her third year of high school, she was very stressed in studying, and she had to get up at about six o'clock every morning and go to bed at about twelve o'clock at night.
In addition to eating and going to the toilet, I have almost been reading books and doing exercises. To save time, the family arranged for her to live at school.
You can go home on Saturdays, and you have to go back to school before Sunday afternoon, staying at home only one day a week.
But every time I come home and want to have fun with the computer in my room and sleep lazily, my parents will always say, "Don't you hurry up and study hard?" Come back and know to play, don't work hard at this time, you will have to work hard to find a job later. ”
She said that every time she came home, she would get upset with her parents because of such a thing.
She felt that she was tired enough, and she usually studied very hard, why couldn't she relax when she only had one day to stay at home?
Finally, one day, she asked her parents: How to count effort? What to do to be serious?
Mom and Dad can't answer at once, this seems to have no specific standard. Therefore, the majesty of the father's chief was released: "I said that if you are not serious, you are not serious enough." ”
This netizen suddenly found that the original standard of hard work and seriousness is that no matter when your parents come to see you, you must be in a state of reading books and doing problems.
Later, she said, she preferred to stay in the school dormitory on weekends rather than come home.
Because I stay in the dormitory, my parents will call to greet me, although I also ask about studying, but at least I will ask if I eat well, how I sleep, and how much I have emotional exchanges.
But if they go home, it's as if the emotions between them have been cut off.
Imagine if you came home after a day of work and wanted to "lie down" on the couch first, and your husband asked: Is the rice cooked? Did the housework be done? How will you feel? Maybe the scribblers can come up with another "little tadpole looking for a mother to make a foreign version of him is not my husband.".
Perhaps many people will say that learning is a very important thing for children, of course, it must be strict.
Yes, learning is important, but no matter how important it is, it cannot withstand the emotional exchange between children and parents.
As mentioned earlier, parents who only talk to their children about learning are usually isolating their anxieties.
The child is not reading, the parents are anxious; the child's score is declining, the parents are anxious; the child is relaxed and rested, and the parents are anxious. In order to release their anxiety, parents will hear at home: How is learning? Is the homework done? How many points did you get on the exam?
02
A friend said that he used to stare at his children and write essays. But a chance empathy gave him more understanding of his son and a deeper awareness of himself.
My son's essay grades have not been very good. Once, his son had an essay homework, it was already ten o'clock in the evening, only to write a few paragraphs, the child can not write, is worried.
He is a science and engineering man, and his composition level is not high, so he always thinks of letting his son improve his homework in this area. But watching his child write his homework so late, both anxious and distressed, he did not know how to help his son.
Because his writing level is not very good, so he can empathize with it, he said to his son: "It's very uncomfortable not to write, right?" ”
The son didn't answer, just nodded. Father and son were silent for a while. Seeing that the time was indeed quite late, the friend said to his son: "Or don't write first, go to sleep." You can get up early tomorrow morning and continue. ”
He thought that the child would go to bed immediately, but he did not expect his son to say to him: "Today's things want to be completed today." ”
Friends felt a little ashamed at that time, they were not as good as children, what homework to stare at? What does it matter if the composition is well written or not? It's good to have this responsible attitude towards yourself.
He immediately realized, why did he want to stare at his children to write essays? Isn't it because of my own anxiety?
Whose business is learning? Whose business is it to write homework? The children know it, but the parents have crossed the line.
What parents can do is to accompany their children's growth and give them emotional support, rather than contracting the child's self-function.
For various reasons, children will inevitably fail to complete their homework in time.
Parents often growl over this: "How can you forget to write homework?" "Many parents will force their children to finish their homework.
As a result, parents take on the function of their children being responsible for themselves.
Who should bear the consequences of forgetting to write homework? Why can't we bear to let children take on this responsibility on their own? Do you think that forcing your child to write homework is to hold him accountable? In fact, it is forcing children to accept the emotions of their parents.
03
I saw a news story about a fourteen-year-old girl who was hallucinating because of her homework and always felt that someone was trying to hurt her.
The girl's mother said that her daughter had a strong personality, and as long as it was the homework left by the teacher, she would complete it, no matter how late it was.
But since my daughter went to junior high school, she has to do a lot of exam papers every day, and the questions are also difficult.
She was so anxious that the child could not finish her homework, so she would not let her sleep, often writing until twelve o'clock in the evening, and writing until three o'clock in the morning at the latest.
The more this is the case, the more difficult it is for the child to learn.
Now it causes the child to have mental problems, and it is necessary to take it to a psychologist.
The mother said that at this time, she suddenly realized, what can be compared to the healthy and happy growth of children?
The consequence of parents releasing anxiety about their children is to cut off the emotional flow between parents and children, and children become more disgusted with learning, and even have serious psychological diseases.
In order to alleviate their parents' anxiety, some children pretend to read and do homework carefully at their desks, but is this really the result that parents want?
Learning, naturally will encounter difficulties, will certainly encounter setbacks, but also inevitably want to escape.
What adult parent did not encounter these situations in those years?
When we encounter difficulties and setbacks, do we also want support?
When we are anxious and avoidant, do we also need tolerance and acceptance?
In the process of children's learning, we parents should give children more emotional support, rather than passing on negative emotions.
Don't use your child's homework as a tool to alleviate parents' anxiety.
This article is from "The parent-child relationship is right, the child's world is right", written by Wu Zaitian.