On the way, I saw a mother and son, the son was fifteen or sixteen years old, and the mother kept saying to her son with a suitcase: "You must wear the white coat on Monday, the pair of socks in black, the red one on Tuesday, Wednesday...
Don't mess around. ”
The child kept his head down and played with his mobile phone, without looking up at his mother from beginning to end.
The person next to him whispered: This child really doesn't know what to do, his mother has done so many things for him, so much heart, he is not grateful, even if he is not grateful, he has no reaction at all. ”
"It's all for your own good", this sentence not only appears in family affection, but also in the feelings of men and women, this sentence may also become a high-frequency word.
To keep his lungs healthy, you threw away his cigarette case and lighter.
To get him into a good routine, you call him again and again at his party to urge him to go home.
In order to make his life more comfortable, you take the children, mop the floor, wash the dishes, wash the clothes, buy vegetables... Contracted all the housework, endured all the fatigue and bitterness of the baby.
He didn't praise you as a virtuous wife, nor did he give you a warm hug or a bouquet of delicate roses to show gratitude.
You spare no effort to be good to him, and he seems to not only be ungrateful, not only does not reciprocate you in the same way, but he becomes more and more impatient with you, more and more indifferent, and more and more unable to find the feeling of love.
Lin and her boyfriend Cheng Cheng have been in love for three years, and recently she always has such a distress, watching her friends around her put on beautiful wedding dresses one by one and marry their favorite lovers, Lin is both envious and anxious in her heart.
But the boyfriend has not mentioned the marriage, not only that, but recently the boyfriend has become more and more silent.
Several times the boyfriend went out to socialize, Lin called him seven or eight times, he did not answer a single one, afterwards Lynn asked the boyfriend why he did not answer the phone, the boyfriend perfunctorily said that he did not hear.
Once, when her boyfriend was playing with his mobile phone on the balcony and smoking, he saw Lynn walking from afar, and the boyfriend changed the page without doing anything.
It won't be cheating, Lynn was scared out of a cold sweat.
Why did Lin and her boyfriend Cheng Cheng's relationship soon fall apart before they reached the step of marriage?
1
Suppress real needs
In childhood, if parents are too busy and other factors to meet the needs of their children such as eating, drinking, and sleeping.
Over time, it is easy to have a thought in the child's mind that he is a child who is not worthy of being loved.
When you grow up and are exposed to intimate relationships, even if the other party touches their own bottom line and makes them uncomfortable, they will not say the true thoughts in their hearts word by word.
Lynn is a girl who always thinks about others and always allows herself to be wronged.
Lin came to aunt a few days of stomach pain, boyfriend wanted to eat spicy so he dragged Lynn to a restaurant, a meal down, every dish has peppers.
Lin reluctantly ate a few bites, the boyfriend asked Lin how it tasted, Lin had a smile on her face, and felt that her stomach hurt even more.
Lin thought, the great aunt came not to make me brown sugar water, even if it is, but also let me eat such spicy food, do not know how to take care of my feelings, will not be intentional, right?
The more I thought about it, the more angry I became, and I didn't give my boyfriend a good look for several days.
In the intimate relationship, you can't express your own needs, which undoubtedly lays a lot of hidden dangers for the two people's spiritual communication.
We often hear a saying: If you love, you will know what I am thinking and what I need.
But in fact, many boys can't guess the minds of girls.
Girls think that boys no longer love themselves, even if they are not angry at the moment, in the future together, the atmosphere is no longer pleasant, the atmosphere is no longer relaxed.
When the boy asked, "Baby, are you unhappy about anything, or am I doing something wrong?" ”
Girls will say: "It's okay, I'm not angry, but in my heart I think, I can't even see this, you really don't care about me more and more." ”
Essentially, it's not a matter of love or non-love at all, everyone is an individual.
If you don't say it yourself, no one can guess the careful thinking of the heart at once through the slightest change in detail.
So listen carefully to your inner thoughts, and when you encounter something that makes you uncomfortable, you must be brave enough to express it, even if it is not recognized or understood for a while.
Letting the other party know your thoughts is more conducive to the closeness of the two people's hearts.
It is more conducive to the production of two people's sense of comfort in daily life, and can also reduce unnecessary suspicion and contradictions.
2
Lack of a clear sense of boundaries
Everyone has heard such a small story, in the cold winter, two hedgehogs want to get close to each other to warm up, how nai nai close to the thorn on the body will scratch each other, repeated several times, they finally found the right distance.
People need boundaries to get along with each other, and two people in an intimate relationship need it even more.
Some people say that since they are boyfriend and girlfriend or husband and wife, if they still need to draw a clear boundary, it is not too angry.
The more two people do not distinguish between you and me, the more intimate they appear to be, aren't they?
Lynn also thinks so, so when the boyfriend and the opposite sex of the company get close and give them an ambiguous interaction in the circle of friends, Lynn chooses to be tolerant in order to show her generosity.
Even once her boyfriend went out in the middle of the night, Lynn asked him where he went, he said a colleague was sick, it was very serious, go and see.
After a few days, Lynn learned that her boyfriend's colleague was a girl.
Obviously, the boyfriend did not do it right, and Lin did not even dare to point out the problem.
In order not to break up, Lynn chose to keep one eye open and one eye closed.
But this tolerance did not make the boyfriend feel the slightest gratitude, but secretly chatted with the girl and went out to play more frequently.
Lynn occasionally asked her boyfriend about this kind of thing, and the boyfriend said, "Aren't we just having a meal as ordinary friends?"
This is my normal socializing. ”
Lin was speechless.
There is often such a situation in intimate relationships.
Because they love each other deeply, they also regard each other as their own people, force each other to accept some of their own views and habits, impose their own will on others, and forcibly step into each other's boundaries to control.
For example, Lynn heard that drinking red wine is good for the body, so she will prepare a little for her boyfriend every night, and the boyfriend only cares about eating, and sometimes when he is thirsty, he prefers to go to the refrigerator to get a Coke to drink instead of touching red wine.
Every time Lynn would be particularly angry, saying that Coke had red wine and health, and a piece of her own kindness was treated as a donkey liver lung.
What makes Lynn even more dissatisfied is that although every time Lynn will have a big fight with her boyfriend because of this matter.
But the next time he ate, the boyfriend still ignored the red wine next to him and was only interested in Coke.
The lack of a sense of boundaries in feelings is undoubtedly dangerous, which may not only lead to the emergence of a third party in feelings, but also the smoke of war everywhere in life, and the small days become more and more gray.
Learning to guard one's own boundaries while respecting each other's boundaries is essential, even if you are a couple with the other person.
3
Not being identified
Perhaps, when you first fell in love, you were attracted to his sunny and handsome appearance, perhaps moved by his intimate details.
But after two people really get along for a while, all the shortcomings will gradually surface.
The person in the eye is no longer a perfect luminous body, but an ordinary mortal with various shortcomings.
If at this time, you start complaining:
"You see that every day you come out early and return late, you don't just take that little salary!"
"As far as your bear-like still plays stocks, it is good not to lose!"
He went to a friend to learn the experience, ready to come back to show his fists and start a business, and you started to open the strike mode before you listened to him in detail:
"No matter how you compare yourself to others, if you can start a business and make money, then everyone can make money."
Even if he tries a new thing, such as taking you out to play, you don't think he has done enough to play and hasn't had enough fun along the way;
I think his driving skills are too bad, and he has found the wrong way several times.
What kind of reaction will the other party feel when they hear these words?
I just feel that the girl in front of me doesn't understand respecting me, so why should I understand and respect her?
In the eyes of men, not being recognized by their lovers is a particularly difficult thing to accept.
Just as most girls want to feel safe, boys can't do without women who can give him appreciation and recognition.
When a girl says to her lover, "This idea is amazing, how did you come up with it?" ”
"Fortunately, you fixed the computer at home, otherwise my files would not have been completed, it would be my savior!"
"You are so smart and strategic, I believe you will definitely think of a good way."
"As long as you go out, I believe there is no problem that cannot be solved."
Men are born with an indelible desire to conquer in their bones, and the appreciation and admiration of girls is the perpetual motion machine for men to do things, and it is also the cornerstone of a stable relationship.
So learn to discover each other's advantages, and praise these advantages in detail, the other party is beautiful in their hearts, and it is difficult to love you or not.
When successfully entering the intimate relationship, when the other party confesses, when the other party enters the marriage hall, do not think that this is the perfect ending, the test has just begun.
There are more contradictions in intimate relationships, the sense of trust weakens, only by constantly learning methods and constantly exploring running-in can we achieve a balance in a relationship and enjoy the joy and joy brought by feelings.
END
Author | Liu Wan loves words, likes psychology, pays attention to personal spiritual growth, is currently engaged in educational work, immersed in the study of gender relations and women's self-improvement, and hopes that through words, everyone will have new feelings and harvests for feelings.