Anyone who has been a parent knows that how to discipline children in family education is not a small problem. In fact, most of the problems that many of our parents complain about and headaches about their children are related to the wrong way of discipline by their parents, but we are rarely aware of them. Once there is a problem with discipline, the relationship between parents and children will inevitably become no longer harmonious.
So, what kind of discipline can really effectively solve the problems in children and make the parent-child relationship more harmonious?
Dr. Jane Nelson, the founder of positive discipline, offers us a solution by proposing four criteria for disciplining children:
1. Is the discipline we take effective in the long run? 2. In the process of solving children's problems, is it possible to respect both children's feelings and our parents' own feelings? 3. Does our discipline help children develop a sense of worth and belonging? 4. Can our discipline help children learn good social skills (such as interpersonal skills, etc.)?
From the above four standards of discipline, it is not difficult to find that respecting each other's feelings, especially children's feelings, and allowing children to gain a sense of value and belonging, these two points are the most core parts, in a word, parents must learn to accept their children.
01 Parents should accept, understand and identify with their children and bring them psychological satisfaction
Educational psychologists have found that the psychological security and confidence that children need in the process of growing up and the confidence to face difficulties come from the unconditional acceptance of their children by parents.
In other words, a child who is unconditionally accepted by his parents can be confident in the face of any problems in the process of growing up.
But unfortunately, many children's psychological security and confidence have been unconsciously denied by their parents.
Speaking of this, it is estimated that many parents will be "dissatisfied" in their hearts, they feel that they dare not say that they love their children the most, but they will never hurt their children in words. But the truth is that with a kind and good idea for our children, it is often difficult for us to realize that we will hurt our children in our daily words.
For example, when a child says to his father, "Mom is nagging all day, it's just annoying." Dad's reply may be: "Your mother's nagging is not all for your own good, why are you so ignorant." “
The child does not want to report to the off-campus cram school, the mother may say to the child: "You look at yourself, now the grades are so poor, and the difference between us and the school bully next door is 108,000 miles, and then do not go to make-up classes, see what you do!" ”
……
Do scenes like this feel familiar to us? This is actually a common form of dialogue between most parents and children.
Many parents do not realize that they should treat their children as an equal individual, and they are always accustomed to presenting themselves as adults in front of their children, looking at their problems from the perspective of an adult, but not really responding to their true thoughts.
Obviously, there will be a huge gap in the communication between parents and children, if we have been communicating with children in this way, not to accept, understand and identify with children, they will feel that they have not really been understood by their parents, over time, it is possible to produce disgusted emotions and rebellious psychology, and the relationship between parents and children will also crack.
02 When parents accept their children, they must grasp two important dimensions
When parents accept their children, they should grasp the following two important dimensions.
1. Accept your child's true feelings
From the perspective of child psychology, whether it is preschool or post-school children, they all hope to get the attention of their parents and gain a sense of value and belonging.
When the child has a growth education problem, as a parent, you should first pay attention to and accept the child's true feelings, under this premise, parents and children to solve the problem together.
Because parents accept and agree with the child's thoughts and feelings, the child will not resist the parents psychologically, but will open up and take the initiative to get close to the parents, in this case, many problems in the child can be effectively solved, which also makes the relationship between parents and children more harmonious.
2. Accept the child as he is
Every child is very much looking forward to the care and acceptance of their parents. Every acceptance that parents give their children will make them feel a little more secure.
The premise of a good parent-child relationship is that parents accept their children unconditionally so that they can win their trust. To accept the child as he is, we need to pay attention to the following two points.
First, lower our excessively high expectations of our children. Many times we are not receptive to our children because we set our expectations too high. When parents have too high expectations for their children, such as going to the top three in the class and entering a prestigious school, the child cannot meet our psychological expectations due to lack of ability, and we will naturally lose our normal mentality and find it difficult to accept the child. The only way to change this is to lower the excessive expectations of children. When children go light and have enough psychological security, they will grow up better.
Second, don't compare your own children with other people's children. If we are accustomed to comparing children horizontally with others, we will let children "fall into" a terrible "competitive" small circle and cannot extricate themselves, which is not conducive to the healthy growth of children. We must let the child go and compare with the past self, as long as the child surpasses the past self, it is progress! When countless small advances accumulate, they form a big progress, and the child grows up in this process.
epilogue
Our unconditional acceptance of our children is tantamount to giving them a deep sense of security.
If we can accept the child's feelings and accept the child as it is, then we have truly established an intimate relationship with the child that trusts each other.
"Kiss his teacher and believe in his way." Only when we establish a close relationship of mutual trust with our children can children be willing to accept our discipline, and they can devote themselves to the process of self-growth without distraction, and eventually become a better version of themselves!