How do I negotiate rules with my child?

When the holidays come, parents always get together and lament the same problem, that is, how to make rules for their children.

More management is afraid that they will be annoyed, and less management is afraid that they will not understand things and run around in trouble.

Parent-child educators also like to talk about their lives: don't be friends with your children at the age of rules.

But how can the rules be established so that children can become self-disciplined, responsible, and caring people?

This is actually a difficult but worth exploring topic.

Growth and rules

Teacher Sun Ruixue said that children before the age of three should give love and freedom as much as possible.

When asked to what extent, she said, "Don't hurt yourself, don't hurt others, don't damage the environment."

That is to say, to give full love and freedom before the age of three.

Of course, you might think of such a dangerous problem as cutting. Put things that are safe to keep out of your child's reach, instead of yelling when your child is about to touch it.

This is the same as Teacher Zeng's interpretation that since "adults talk and children don't interject", then adults should choose the absence of children when they speak.

It seems that the rules are not only for children, but also for adults, and they must be made reasonably and followed by both parties.

The rules for kindergarten are:

1. Rough and vulgar behavior cannot be done.

2. Other people's things can not be taken, their own things belong to the child himself, the child has the right to freely dispose of his own things.

3. "Please return". Where to take it from and put it back.

4. "Please wait". Whoever gets it first uses it first, and the latter must wait.

5. Do not disturb others.

6. Apologize for doing something wrong. And have the right to ask others to apologize.

7. Learn to say, "No! ”

Children who go to school mainly set rules around schoolwork, time schedule, goal setting, etc.

Children in adolescence involve more matters, and the setting of rules requires parents to go from "control" of requests to emotional connection and influence.

Speaking of which, you may think, I wish I had been treated this way and raised children like this.

Unfortunately, most of us have not been able to do it ourselves, have not been raised in this way, and may have missed the opportunity to educate our children.

As a result, mobile phones, games, and homework have become major challenges for parent-child relationships during the holidays.

However, all phenomena and problems are not a day's work.

No matter how much we miss, we need to face it squarely and start now, for the sake of our children's future.

Because the more rules there are, the freer they are.

The needs and desires behind the rules

A mother said that there are many vendors at the entrance of the kindergarten, and when the kindergarten is open, many children cry and want to buy, and the parents cannot resist the surrender, holding the child and running away. Mix.

So did her children. The little hand held the mother, and the eyes and mind ran to the toys of different colors earlier.

She understands that no matter how similar the toy is, it still attracts. But she wasn't content to lose to a small trader, so she would talk to her children.

In the process of talking again and again, she found that it seemed that it was okay not to buy it. She has always thought that children are more obedient and reasonable.

There was no crying or haggling, and the chat was calmly accepted. What happened?

I found the answer in Dordo's book All Is Language.

Desire is different from need. The former can be talked about and can be met in imaginary ways. Need is a must.

For example, eating is the need to obtain, washing is the need to remove dirt, etc.

Children understand this very well, and even if they are not forced to wash, they will always maintain hygiene, but they only need adult demonstrations when they are young.

For the child: all the things that he seems satisfied with himself and makes him as comfortable as the people around him who seem to be comfortable, he is willing to do.

Children learn through imitation, and so do the rules.

Desire is different. Let's say a child wants a toy.

Kid: "Ah, I want this toy truck."

Mom: "No, no way, I don't have any money." Go fast, go fast, don't look. ”

Mom: "This truck, do you think it's good?"

Son: "Well, that's fine. ”

Mom: "Where's the good?"

Son: "Its tires are red. ”

Mom: "Well, it's fine, but although it's a red tire, it's probably not going to be able to drive." A truck is not a painting, it must be able to drive. We go to the store and you can touch it. We can only look at it today, I don't have the money to buy it. ”

Son: "No, you have." You have it. ”

Mom: "I didn't, and if you don't want to, we won't go in and look at it." ”

Moms don't want their children to be tempted, but face life to say and talk about the things that tempt us.

When the child finds out that the mother has decided not to buy it, but we can talk about it, he becomes calm.

What he needs is to be able to convey the desire and expectation for the truck, "it can't be achieved, but you have every reason to think so." ”

If the mother devalues the child's desires, things get serious.

The desires of children should always be justified.

This shows the deep love of parents. Despite the reality level the child is not satisfied.

It means that children frequently want toys and want love. Behind the desire is the desire for relationships. And "talk about it together" satisfies the child's desire for a relationship. Realistic toys don't matter.

Seeing all this, is it clearer to think about the desire and need for mobile phones, watching TV, etc.?

With love to feel and experience the child, and to express it fully in words, the child will internalize all this and establish inner order and rules.

Of course there will be collisions and conflicts. However, parents set the rules in listening, feeling, gentle and firm persistence and acceptance of their children's status quo again and again.

How do I establish rules?

At the end of the day, the establishment of rules comes back to the relationship. It is used to protect itself and others and is part of love.

1. The power of example

Children internalize rules by imitating.

The power of role models for adults is especially important. The child will observe the words and deeds of the parents, especially the actions that the child inadvertently sees or hears at any moment, and then accepts them all, whether good or bad.

Like bedtime, TV time, children and adults don't need the same, but some rules should apply to all members of the family.

Things like "don't interject when others speak" need to be followed by the whole family.

If the child finds that the parents interject and the parents sincerely apologize, the child will learn to respond with respect and apology when interjecting.

In Growing Pains, in order to punish Mike, who often lies, he is not allowed to leave the house on weekends.

When Mom pushes off temporary interview assignments in order to go to concerts and her boss lies and is discovered by Mike, Dad does mom's job and is punished with the same ban.

In fact, children are eager to find standards to follow for a long time. Out of security, but also out of the need for life growth.

Parents become the first examples of standards that children learn and internalize.

2. Gentle and firm grip on boundaries

The child did not buy the agreed number of toys to make a big fuss, maybe others will say, buy another one, don't let the child cry or accuse are all your habits.

You need to keep these different voices out, gently and firmly holding the line. In this way, the child will learn to follow the rules in your focused, loving acceptance, after the flow of negative emotions.

Adolescent children, too, are resolved by gentle but firm adherence to excessive demands or pre-establishment of a sense of rules.

For example, the time to play the mobile phone at a time is not more than a few hours, and it is beyond the number of hours of deactivation.

It's okay to ask for more, it's important to respect the idea that your child wants more and talk about it together. Lead him to bear the consequences of his actions.

If not, teach him to do so by making him bear the actual cause and effect.

Most of the time they will appear to be rebellious, but the gentle and determined persistence of adults will make them feel safe and loving.

If the parents themselves are still children, the children will unconsciously take care of the parents, so the parents will compromise because of their unconscious dependence on the children, and they will not be able to say no to the children.

In this way, the child does not receive proper discipline and instead learns to threaten the parents with emotion.

It's not love, it's manipulation.

Parents need to seek the need for relationships in the adult world. Then return to the gentle and firm guarding of the boundaries in the parent-child relationship.

3. Respect + responsibility + realistic causal principle

All of this must be done with understanding and respect. All rules and punishments must have a natural causal relationship.

For example, if a family wants to go to an amusement park, set to leave at 10 o'clock on time. At 10 o'clock the child did not complete the agreed things.

It is noisy and scolding on the road, the family is not happy, or calmly tell the child that he regrets that he chose not to finish these things and could not take him forward.

Parental example, respect, understanding, realistic causal correspondence, gentle but firm adherence to the rules are all reflected in it.

We need to distinguish between "psychological negative outcomes" and "realistic outcomes." Withdrawing love, making the other person feel guilty, accusing the other party, etc., will not inspire people to change. Even if it works, it is short-lived and unsustainable.

Only when a person's actions lead to the result that he must face reality will he have a real touch and change.

Our goal is not to manipulate our children, but to give them choices to do what they want to do, and then to bear the natural consequences of those choices.

Anger and shame cannot teach children to do better, and the pain caused by losing valued time and money will teach them to follow the rules more.

When parents have the courage to say "no" at the right time, they have the wisdom to help their children understand what is "can".

It is helping children learn when to say "yes" and when to say "no", and it is also helping them to take control of their own lives in the near future.

Children need love and freedom, but also rules and boundaries. From now on, it's all worth it and makes sense.

Because the future of the child is today.

Author | Molihua Editor | Flower

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Author: Mo Lihua, the article is reproduced from Zeng Qifeng Psychological Studio, nearly 2000 original parent-child/gender/personal growth psychological articles, psychoanalytic learning, 7 years of companionship, less inner conflict, more spiritual freedom.