Mom's anger was real. It's time to normalize it, which will help us harness our anger in a healthier way for us and our children.
When my children disobeyed; when they were in danger and refused to heed my warnings; when I spent hours cleaning behind them, just to get them home, and five minutes later, made the house look like a hurricane; I felt angry when I begged them a thousand times to stop arguing.
I don't always act. I tried to catch my breath. I count to 10, sometimes to 50. I walked away. I clenched my fists and screamed silently. I hid in the bathroom until my heart rate slowed down. But sometimes I explode. My outbursts were verbal, but for some moms, they were physical. Those explosions hurt our children and hurt us.
Netflix's new psychodrama, "The Lost Daughter," ends up away from her young children for a while by showing a mother who is challenged by parenting while pursuing her sense of accomplishment, almost to protect them and herself from the anger provoked by this perpetual conflict. "She wants freedom, she's tired of responsibility, tired of everything. The film embraces ugliness and gives it the space to express itself. However, it was clear that she was deeply in love with her daughters. So while some may judge her behavior and expect her to always be patient and never angry, the truth is that we can love our children but still feel angry at sometimes relentless motherhood.
In short: Mom's anger is real. Mom's anger is common, and it's more important than ever to normalize it.
What is Mom's Anger?
While there is no clinical definition of maternal anger, experts say it describes uncontrollable anger that mothers may experience, leading to verbal and/or physical outbursts. Up to 21% of women develop perinatal mood and anxiety disorder (PMAD), of which postpartum rage may be one of the symptoms. However, as the child gets older, the mother's anger may be a way for the mother to express unattended stress, worry, isolation, sadness, or fear.
Why does mom get angry?
Mom's anger rarely pops up suddenly, and burnout is often the culprit. According to research published in Frontiers in Psychology, burnout is defined as physical and mental exhaustion due to parenting.
Lack of self-care
In one study, as many as 78% of women admitted that they put the health of their families before themselves (and that was before the pandemic!). Too many moms don't get the most basic sleep, nutrition, exercise, relaxation, or fun for a healthy, balanced life — which will allow them to control stress and anger before they turn into anger.
Little support and unrealistic expectations
Mom's anger can be a reaction to inadequate family and social support, as well as unrealistic expectations of mom. Statistics consistently show that moms tend to take on more parenting work than dads.
In traditional thought, mothers should be like martyrs. We shouldn't want to hit our kids or rip our hair off. We hide these impulses because we are afraid of being labeled a "bad mom." We felt the need to limit our frustration with "I love my child, but..." It was as if a mother's anger equaled a lack of love. It was as if anger had never shared boundaries with love. Afraid of judgment, moms say nothing. After the anger, the mothers were left under a pile of loneliness and weakness in shame.
A raging epidemic
The relentless, unpredictable epidemic continues to demand more of mothers. Stress and fear, lack of support, unemployment and social isolation are exacerbating insecurities, exhaustion and uncertainty. So it's no surprise that mom's anger has generally risen.
Why do we really need to talk about mom's anger?
If we don't talk about mom's anger, don't normalize it and acknowledge its universality, we'll be held back in our efforts to manage it, and we'll continue to suffer from its guilt and shame. Worse still, we will continue to risk the well-being of our children, who may suffer lasting and significant harm from our anger.
It can lead to speech outbursts or what scientists call parental verbal attacks (PVA). Studies have shown that PVA can alter a child's brain structure and increase their risk of emotional and anxiety disorders. PVA alone, unlike corporal punishment, reduces children's self-esteem and academic performance, and adolescents who receive PVA are more likely to suffer from depression or have behavioral problems.
Mom's anger can also lead to physical violence, including spanking, which studies have shown can have lasting negative effects on children, affecting every corner of their adult lives, including reduced IQ, interpersonal tensions and increased likelihood of substance abuse.
Honestly talking about how angry moms sometimes feel can reduce the shame that is often accompanied by intense negative emotional experiences. Get rid of shame and make room for thinking about how to better support moms so they don't express their anger in this way.
If we want our children to find their unique voice and thrive in the world they will inherit, we should allow them to normalize mom's anger, make it visible, and take personal and especially societal approaches that will help us harness our anger in healthier ways for us and our children.