Yesterday I talked to everyone about the horror of being dominated by the knocking of the brother in the bathroom, and exploded a large wave of empathetic old mothers. Looking at everyone's message area, I have been hahahahahaha
You're so talented! We not only soothed our emotions in the spitting, but also healed each other.
However, seeing this message, I still want to talk a little.
To tell the truth, if this message had been placed 3 years ago, I would certainly not have accepted it, but now I often do it.
Especially for mothers who have high demand sensitivity babies at home, the state of "self-withdrawal" is a state that must be cultivated.
In addition to being able to adjust his physiological needs to go to the toilet to synchronize with me, there are many needs that can be "similar to me, purely coincidental."
For example, if I am hungry and want to find something to pad my stomach, he must be able to feel hungry at the same time, even if I hide in the kitchen and secretly eat.
I had just opened the snack package on my front foot, and he poked his little head in on the back foot, saying that he was a little hungry, and even hungrier than I was—just to take the bigger half.
For example, if I know that I have a good time, as long as I open the computer to prepare, I can immediately sense it, quickly run to my side, look at me with watery little round eyes and say: Mother I miss you, can you play with me for a while?
belch..... Didn't I see you take care of me when I wasn't busy just now?
I suspected that the child had radar installed on him, and no matter what the old mother did or thought, my every move was in his hands.
Just like when I was a child, sleeping full during the day had to make me lie next to me as a humanoid doll. As long as I walked away together, he could wake up crying every minute, not once.
Really high demand sensitive baby, the requirement of companionship alone is enough to suffocate people.
In fact, I especially understand how important parents are in a small world full of people! He hated not being accompanied 24 hours a day, someone tired of being with him to satisfy his need for love and intimacy.
But in the past 2 years, although I have tried to be a good mother, I have spared no effort to find various opportunities to escape from my children and withdraw from the current state of life.
The reason is simple, whether it is me or full, I should have my own piece of land:
I should have my own space, not to lose myself as a mother, and Man, even if he has high needs, should slowly learn to be alone and enjoy loneliness.
To tell the truth, to figure this out, I really took a long detour.
You all know mine, I look grinning, but I am very serious in my bones, whether it is reading or working, I must be perfect, let alone a mother? What a responsibility! I can carry the growth of a life, that is not good.
But I chose a difficult baby to raise, I paid 300% of the effort for him, knowing his high needs, I tried to meet, accompany, give love and respect as much as possible.
But the result? No matter how to accompany and how to build a full sense of security, he can't accept being alone, even if there are all kinds of toys and countless picture books at home, it is useless.
Growing up, the mantra was: "Mom (or other family members), you play with me for a while, I'm so bored." ”
If you don't accompany him, he will "mom mom mom mom mom
This child needs a big living person to accompany him all the time at any time, occupy more human energy, and he is tired of fighting a wheel war all day.
And I also consume too much in this process: I can't finish with my children every day, I can't finish the housework, I can't finish reading the same book, and I don't have time to do anything, which makes me gradually lose myself in the trivial life of the baby, muddy, and unable to find the direction.
Because the focus of my life will always be home and children.
What's even more frightening is that the repetitive "work" that has a low sense of value and low technicality every day is eating away at my enthusiasm, consuming my mind, and becoming more and more decadent.
My emotions also became inexplicable! Wiping the ground, I suddenly began to cry, not understanding why I couldn't finish it. When I was full, I always had no patience, my communication and empathy skills plummeted, and I couldn't help but get angry.
At that time, my frustration was particularly strong, and I couldn't understand why Man man was so clingy and why he had to work so hard. Or Lao Zhang as a bystander to see more clearly.
He pointed out to the point where I "pushed too hard": too tolerant of fullness, too harsh on myself!
He said: It is true that he is full of high demand, but he is now so dependent on others that he cannot be alone at all, and it is not entirely the scourge of high demand.
Lao Zhang asked me: You always say that he already has the ability to "play", but he does not have the ability to play "by himself", why can't he stay by himself for a while.... But did you give him a chance to learn to be alone? Has the whole family ever given it?
Everyone is given by picking the stars and giving the moon, and the child does not need to be alone at all, because there is always someone to accompany him. Tell me how he learned to get along with himself? Think back to when we were young, the only child played alone, and if the parents went to work and had no one to accompany them, what should they do?
Lao Zhang is right, even if we were at home alone at that time, we would not be bored. Everything in the family can become the object of our research, and we can always make up all kinds of brain-opening and bizarre sitcoms to satisfy our exuberant desire to speak, and watch a dull day but live a fantasy journey.
I reflected carefully on the growth of two generations and seemed to find the cause of the problem - we loved to spend too much time with our children, arranged their lives too much, and provided too much stimulation.
The child does not think and do it himself at all, there is enough happiness, how can he find fun for himself when he is dull? What's worse is that it is difficult for children to place themselves in silence, nor will they examine and reflect on themselves, to think about some esoteric questions, to sort out some emotions to complete their self-growth.
So when the child faces nothing to do, he will suddenly panic, not only do not know how to live with himself, but also be swallowed up by a huge sense of loneliness, becoming helpless and panic..... The child will constantly find others to accompany him, asking others for help to arrange his blanks.
To tell the truth, it took me a long time or even years to realize little by little: I have always paid too much attention to high-quality companionship and parent-child interaction, but neglected the training of letting children be alone.
Lao Zhang said that not only that, when you do too much for your children, not only will you over-accompany your children, but you will also be in a dilemma. You are too tired, you have been busy but have no time to rest, and it is strange that you do not have an emotional breakdown. People must be busy and idle, relaxed and moderate, in order to be sustainable, how can they always rotate the shaft?
It's time to let go of your hand and let him take on the problems he should face, and you also spend more time resting and completing what you want to do, just right!
That's my point, not necessarily right, but we can try it.
After that I started Buddhism and "laziness", bravely telling Full that I was busy, I was not free, I did not want to. I also try to throw the baby to my father, from time to time I will store it in the old man's home, and try to put aside all kinds of drawbacks and problems....
I often advise myself that my children and grandchildren have their own children and grandchildren, and how can a baby grow up! Or the earth is turning away from everyone, and the baby is not not me.
Needless to say, since the hand was released, my emotions have been much more positive. Without him, it is less tired to take the baby, and the mood is naturally good.
Happy mommy，happy baby！ This is not false at all, if when we are very tired, it means that something is not right, rest and find helpers is the best way to solve, otherwise there is no effort to do yourself.
But Man man is still that clingy little monster, but now he has at least learned to respect my time, understand my hard work, and will not pestering me when I am particularly busy. Although reluctant, he silently accepted the reality that he had to play by himself when no one was with him.
The whole family said that Man man had recently grown up at a speed that was visible to the naked eye, and in addition to getting older, I think it was also related to the fact that I was no longer accustomed to it. Children will always adapt to different lifestyles, such as going to kindergarten, such as playing by themselves.
High demand baby or high demand for baby companionship, we must leave a space appropriately, so that children have their own opportunities to get along, do not feel that "the more accompaniment is better." Enduring loneliness is also a kind of strength!
Finally, thanks to the teammate Lao Zhang, who is "bystander Qing, the authority is a fan". He does have a bit of a hand, but he can also find problems that we can't see.
So manual @ Lao Zhang, please accept this picture ~ come on Oh ~
Happy New Year, friends!