A while ago, with several divorce incidents that blew up Weibo last year, I discussed a problem with you:
Why did the daughter grow up to become a good woman and still choose the "scumbag" as a partner?
From the perspective of the original family, it is not difficult to find that their choice has a lot to do with their father. (Poke here: Adoptive Daughter Apocalypse )
So the question is, the daughter is trapped in the "scumbag" can not come out, the father is responsible, then the growth of the "scumbag" is not also related to the father?
That's right, the relationship is not small.
Given that many parents are interested in this topic, we will have a good chat today.
The character of "those who follow us prosper and those who oppose us perish"
How was it cultivated?
Not long ago, Lu Xipai (stage name), the son of Wu Zongxian, the "King of Variety Shows", had an accident.
He reportedly spent at a nightclub in Taipei, and while he was out smoking, he was interrogated by patrolling police, who found out he was smoking marijuana and arrested him on the spot.
When his son was arrested, Wu Zongxian showed great sorrow, and at the first time implored the judge to "deal with it seriously" and apologized to the public, saying that he was "ashamed of being a father and could not escape the blame."
Subsequently, at the press conference held by his son, he said that "no one in the eighteenth generation of the ancestors has ever had a previous crime, but now it has been broken by the son."
But the son made a mistake, and he also has a responsibility as a father, and he is willing to apologize for his son, hoping that everyone will give Lu Xipai another chance.
Wu Zongxian is nearly sixty years old, and at this age, he still has to pay for his adult son, which is also regrettable.
You know, this is not the first time that Lu Xipai has stabbed Lou Zi.
As early as 2018, he had posted on his personal social media: "My girlfriend is sick, if she doesn't get better, I will bomb the Taipei City Government and make the whole people pay for their crimes." ”
As soon as these words came out, public opinion was in an uproar.
Because the impact was too great, Lu Xipai was summoned by the Taipei Municipal Criminal Congress for committing the crime of intimidating the public and fined NT$500,000.
At that time, Wu Zongxian also resisted the pressure of public opinion and took his son to hold a press conference, while denouncing his son's stupidity, while pulling his son to apologize.
Carrying a pot for a son who can't make a device seems to have become the norm for old fathers.
However, if you know a little about what Wu Zongxian did after he had a family, and how he "educated" his son over the years, you will come to the conclusion that there is such a father, and the son's behavior is not unexpected.
Wu Zongxian and his wife, Zhang Weiwei, formed a family as early as 1990, but it was not until 2000 that he admitted that he already had a wife and four children.
In the past 10 years, he has called himself "single" and has been scandalous. Even if he later admitted his married status, he did not restrain much.
The most bizarre thing is that he does not think that he has betrayed the marriage, but that he met the right person at the wrong time, and netizens are too mean to him.
For another example, Zhang Weiwei quit his favorite job for his family and concentrated on taking care of him and his four children.
In Wu Zongxian's view, this is a wife's responsibility, and she did not feel that Zhang Weiwei had made a great sacrifice, and it was normal for her career to be busy and ignore her family, as long as she gave enough living expenses, she was already a qualified good husband and father.
We do not evaluate Wu Zongxian's marriage to Zhang Weiwei, after all, it is a voluntary choice between two adults.
But we can discuss a question: Why does a married man think that it is normal for him to be in trouble and ignore his wife and children?
From a psychological point of view, this is a "regressive" behavior, and he has regressed from a husband and father to a masculine state.
The simple male state can be different from the state of the husband and the father, the male state does not have to consider the feelings of the wife and children, as long as it has won other men, attracted more women, and is happy.
To put it bluntly, he is not prepared at all, nor does he have the ability to be a good husband and father.
Since I can't bear the pressure, I simply broke the jar and broke it, "Can't be a good husband and a good father, can't I be a good man?" ”
So you see, Wu Zongxian is keen on work, keen on pampering his sister, keen on socializing, but he is not keen on family.
In his concept, the money is enough, the resources are in place, the responsibility is fulfilled, how can you feel that you have a problem?
With the idea that he would subconsciously avoid the identity of the father, unconsciously putting his son of the same sex in the position of a competitor.
On the one hand, he belittled his son's self-worth.
On the one hand, show your abilities.
On the one hand, he used his son to make up for his own shortcomings.
Obviously, he and his son are emotionally alienated, but he also has great expectations for his son, hoping to rely on his son to continue his value as a man.
This attitude of separation is projected onto the son, and the son will behave contradictoryly and extremely.
On the one hand, the Luxi faction regarded Wu Zongxian as a competitor and constantly competed with him, striving to win over his father. For example, Wu Zongxian took him to the development conference to admit his mistake and said a sentence of "who care", and Lu Xipai directly corrected "to add s".
On the other hand, he is extremely conceited, but at the same time he does not dare to take responsibility. Every time there is a disaster, the family will be pushed out to solve the problem.
Moreover, he subconsciously chose self-exile in an attempt to prove his father's failure in a self-destructive way.
In the long "war" with his father, he unconsciously became his most hated look:
An internal wearer who thinks he is the center of the world, but does not have the ability to adapt to the real world.
It is conceivable that such a man entering an intimate relationship will bring harm to his partner.
How is Ma Bao Nan refined?
So, is it that as long as the father can overcome this and psychologically accept his father's role, the son will not have problems in the intimate relationship?
Unfortunately, it's not.
As mentioned earlier, in a family, in addition to being a good father, the father must first be a good husband.
If the father does not put the relationship with his wife first, and there is a serious lack of emotion in the husband and wife, the son will be pushed by the mother to the position of "husband".
The misalignment of this relationship makes it difficult for the son to establish a long-term, equal and stable intimate relationship after adulthood.
For example, Su Mingcheng, the "ma bao man" in "All Is Good".
Don't look at it as a hated character, but if you think about it, he is actually a victim of the relationship between his parents.
In the eyes of others, Su Daqiang was a cowardly and pitiful man, Zhao Meilan asked him to go east, he did not dare to go west. But others don't know that he has always resented Zhao Meilan for being too strong, and his depression is his wife's fault.
Therefore, in this marriage relationship, Zhao Meilan felt her husband's hatred for herself, rather than caring.
People's hearts need love and tenderness, and if the husband does not get it, he will naturally pin his emotions on his son.
She chose her youngest son, Su Mingcheng, because the child knows how to respond to her emotional needs.
So we see that Zhao Meilan demanded emotional value from Su Mingcheng through excessive efforts, and regarded him as a "spiritual husband". Su Mingcheng, because he longed for his mother's full attention and love, was willing to become a "waste", and he did what his mother said.
Such a son will inevitably cause harm to his partner when he becomes an adult.
First of all, he can't be a real adult.
Because when I was a child, I often saw my mother belittling my father, and I had a wrong perception in my bones: "My father is a very bad person, and I don't have to do anything to surpass him and get my mother's love." ”
This false sense of worth makes him extremely narcissistic and feels that he is "omnipotent", but at the same time he has lost the motivation to grow into a real man.
Therefore, even if the body is a grown man, he is still a little boy psychologically, and when he encounters marital conflicts, he will only use the way of flattery and weakness to push the problem to his wife to solve.
Second, he has been emotionally "overloaded".
In his childhood, Su Mingcheng could not be at ease to be a child, he had to promise his mother like a husband and satisfy his mother's safe attachment.
But the child does not have such an ability at all, and the emotional overwhelm has caused the psychological trauma of being "engulfed".
It is precisely for this reason that the adult Su Mingcheng chose Zhu Li, who seems to be delicate but is actually willing to meet his emotional needs, as long as he shows thoughtfulness and care, he can continuously obtain emotional value from his wife without nourishing his wife's emotions.
In the end, he is a man with a strong desire for control.
Generally speaking, for some time after birth, children will form a symbiotic binary relationship with their mother, that is, "I" and "you" are enemies.
With the addition of the father, the child will realize that there is a three-dimensional relationship between himself, the mother, and the father, and that love is no longer exclusive, but shared.
But because of Su Daqiang's absence, Su Mingcheng remained in a binary relationship until adulthood. This means that once he enters into an intimate relationship, he will be paranoid that his wife must always be in tune with himself and must never hide anything.
So, when Julie borrowed money from Mingyu behind his back, his first thought was why he didn't tell himself. And when Julie accused him, the anger made him lose his mind and directly moved with his wife.
You see, at the moment when Su Daqiang resented his wife, the end of Su Mingcheng's marriage was already doomed.
Don't look at the characters in the TV series, in reality, it is still very common, even more serious.
When many boys grow up, they don't realize that they are "mommy boys", and even if they have a partner, they are still what their mothers say.
She said break up, she broke up herself;
She said that if there are many problems with her partner, then the partner will have to change;
She said that if her partner made a mistake, she would have to apologize immediately.
There are only two options left for a partner: unconditional obedience and a complete breakup.
No matter how you choose, it hurts others and hurts yourself.
Father's role model
It is about the growth of his son's life
Seeing this, you may ask, since the father has such a great influence on his son, what should he do?
The growth of the son needs to borrow from the father
Unlike the function of full acceptance by the mother, the father represents rules and socialization.
A boy in the Oedipal period needs his father to pull him away from his mother and teach him the rules of society and the laws of survival, so that his son can integrate more smoothly into society and become independent in the future.
If the father does not do this step well, the family will have problems.
At this time, the relationship between the mother and the son becomes too thick, and the son is no longer a child, but becomes the mother's "spiritual husband".
This is a big emotional burden for the child, and to a considerable extent, it means that the son's psychological growth has stagnated.
But don't worry, this matter is not difficult to solve, as long as the father is well with the mother, the son will naturally complete the separation from the mother and become independent.
"Words and words" are far less than "teaching by example"
The American writer Baldwin once said: "Children will never obediently listen to adults, but they will imitate adults." ”
This sentence is more appropriate for fathers to educate their sons.
Because from a psychological point of view, the son's mentality towards the father is contradictory. On the one hand, he felt that his father was very strong, and on the other hand, he wanted to surpass his father and become stronger.
On this basis, it is difficult for a father to make his son feel a sense of identity by merely preaching. You must take practical action to show your "strength" in order to convince your son, and then to generate worship and trust, and then to follow the father's teachings.
After Lu Xi was dispatched, Wu Zongxian had a deep conversation with him once, and after chatting for nearly two hours, he found that all the truths he said had been told countless times before, but his son did not listen to them at all.
You see, without this initial approval, it is useless to say more.
Only when the father accompanies the mother can the son have healthy gender values
We know that the father is the first male figure that the son comes into contact with, and his interaction with his wife is the template for the son's future treatment of his partner.
If the son sees his father accompanying his mother and is full of respect and love for his mother, he does not need to be deliberately cultivated, he has already been nourished by love, and naturally knows how to treat his partner well when he grows up.
If the father only cares about himself and ignores the mother, then the son may not take the family seriously in the future, or simply give the right to choose a mate to the mother, who she likes, who she associates with, hates, and breaks up.
Looking dashing, I actually don't know what I want or how to get happiness.
Of course, saying so much is not for the sake of revenge on the father, but to emphasize:
The family is a drill ground before the son enters the real intimate relationship, what he can learn, what he gets, the father is very important.
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About the Author: Harukawa, original editor of Yin Jianli Parents Academy, parenting learner, observer, and sharer.