Parenting self-analysis, is it necessary to meet the unreasonable needs of children who are late for school?

Diary Author: Circle Friend No. 1

We were late for kindergarten this morning. Being late seems to be a common occurrence, and I want to change, but I don't know where to start.

It all started last night. Last night, the eldest daughter invited her classmates to play at home, and when the classmate's mother came to pick her up, the good friend did not want to leave and wanted to stay at our house for the night, because she did not consult with her mother in advance, and her mother naturally did not agree. When the good friend and the mother were in a stalemate, they began to make trouble, saying that they ate candy and ice cream at our house, and asked their mother to buy her lollipops before coming home, I guess her mother felt that the child was talking about conditions, so she said: "What does going home have to do with eating lollipops, you mean that every day you come home and have to buy you a lollipop to ask you to go home", "Yes" The child said. The good friend's mood was not good, and the mother was deadlocked, and the eldest daughter said to the good friend's mother at an inopportune time: "My mother buys me an ice cream every day after school and puts it in the refrigerator." "There was a feeling of showing off when I said it. The aunt said, "Then you can save a refrigerator of ice cream." "My daughter was happy, as if she really had so much ice cream. I did buy her an ice cream yesterday and put it in the fridge because I bought an ice cream for my sister last week, and my sister also wanted to eat it but couldn't eat it because of a cold, and promised to buy it back this week to replenish her.

After she told her classmate's mother, I did not immediately deny her, but I did not deny what she said, and I felt that the child was just saying that, not seriously. As a result, I got up together this morning, and the first thing I said when I woke up was, "Mom, I want to buy a box of ice cream, can I?" She looked at me expectantly, "You're dreaming," and I think my eldest daughter is dreaming, because she knows that my attitude toward ice cream is to eat it without eating it.

I am more in agreement with TCM that cold food can cause weakness in the spleen and stomach. I basically don't buy it. I bought ice cream this year because last week there were children to share with my eldest daughter and sister, and then they wanted me, I bought it twice, and today my daughter managed me to ask for a refrigerator of ice cream.

I thought about it for a moment and asked, "Can you buy it without eating it?" ”

Daughter: "Yes, can you be a mother?" ”

I asked again, "So you eat alone or can you all eat?" ”

Daughter: "Everyone can eat it, I still want to share it with my classmates!" ”

I thought about it for a while, if you buy it, you still have to eat it after all, it is not good to put it for a long time, the important thing is that it is really not nutritious and too cold, I suggested: "When you invite your classmates, we will buy it again, it is not good to put it for a long time," Daughter: "Ice cream will not be bad." I said, "Yes." ”

I didn't want to continue the topic and was going to kindergarten, so I reminded the children to get dressed and wash their faces. The eldest daughter was humming in bed, a look of unhappiness, and a little angry, I didn't expect her to be so disappointed, seeing her like this, I thought I was going to be late again, I really didn't have time to deal with her emotions, I was also helpless.

My sister saw my sister like that, and in the low mood, remembered that yesterday I did not agree to buy her a new dress. I also began to hum and chant, "Mom bought me a dress." I really wanted to lose my temper at the moment, and I said, "You have to want me to lose my temper, don't you?" Every morning without throwing a tantrum you all feel that something is missing! My tone was impatient, stern, cold. I felt like I had really reached a tipping point, but the kids were probably scared or something else, and they didn't say anything anymore and went to wash their faces and change their clothes.

When I went out at 8:30, I could only say that at that time, I just controlled myself not to lose my temper, and there was no way to give my child more understanding and love. Riding an electric car on the road, my sister offered to buy potato chips to eat, and I knew I didn't have the energy to deal with her, so I said, "Okay, I'll think about it." On the way, the eldest daughter has been trying to figure out a way, saying "you can buy two ice creams, you eat one yourself, give me one" and so on, I said "I have a cold, don't eat" or refused her. I really didn't want her to spend the day in kindergarten with disappointment in her mother, and when she got to the eldest daughter's kindergarten, she asked again: "Mom, can you buy me ice cream?" I said, "Mommy think about it, and for your request, Mom will go back and think about it carefully, and give you an answer when she picks you up from school in the afternoon." The eldest daughter entered the classroom expectantly.

And the daughter bought potato chips with her own pocket money, which she said she wanted to share with the children. And I told her the reason she didn't buy a dress was because there were already a lot of strips in the house, and she said she knew. In the matter of buying ice cream and skirts, I suddenly remembered the word "sense of scarcity", for the needs of children, is it a material need or a psychological need, whether the material satisfaction will affect the psychology, this degree is not easy to grasp, a little unclear. My idea was to talk to my eldest daughter after school about eating ice cream.

【My Feedback】

First of all, my feelings: your hesitation gives the child the hope that she can get, so she will change to the fadi.

And your hesitation comes from two opposing and contradictory ideas.

A concept is that it is a cold thing, and eating too much is not good for the body.

Another concept is that if the child is not satisfied, it will make the child's heart full of lack when he grows up, and this concept may also be entangled with the concept of "daughters should be rich", which strengthens this feeling.

Did you find out? There are two voices within you pulling at each other. So you show hesitation in your behavior.

But, here's the problem, as we just said, that this is the result of two opposing ideas in your heart.

What is the concept?

First, ideas do not equal facts, and they are likely to be false and wrong.

Second, ideas are illusory things, products of imagination.

I think that as to whether to satisfy a child's desires or needs, it is necessary to start from facts, not ideas, and the fact is that if there are two following circumstances, the child can be firmly rejected:

First, it is really harmful to the body. For example, as long as the child eats ice cream, he will have diarrhea, of course, this must be experienced by the child, not your speculation.

Second, there was no extra money to buy ice cream (when I was a kid, I just wanted to eat and didn't have money to buy it, of course, I believe that this situation rarely exists in urban children nowadays).

These two points are facts.

If they are not satisfied, then I don't know why I should refuse? Is it just because the perception is not good or the number?

So, about meeting the material needs of the child

If in fact there is no harm to the child and it is affordable financially, and of course the child does need it, then my advice is to meet her directly. Conversely, if it is harmful to the body, or if the economy does not support it and is not so needed, it is simply rejected.

However, from the fact that the child is particularly eager to take a bite of ice cream, it shows that you usually have stricter control over the child's eating of ice cream, which you also said, so she will have such a big desire for ice cream.

That's all I have to say, and on the question of whether to buy a basket or not, you decide for yourself, provided you don't create conflict and pain. When the child asks you to buy her a basket, you can tell her: Yes, you can pick it yourself, and I will pay you after picking it (the child may not understand a basket as much as you think); or you can say to the child: Yes, we don't have to buy a basket, I decided that as long as you want to eat ice cream in the future, if I have money, I will buy it for you, how?

No. 1 circle friend replied to me: 1, because she has a cough after eating ice cream, so I am reluctant to buy it for her.

2, she often has unexplained stomach pain, sometimes it hurts when she gets up in the morning, sometimes it is when she eats. I went to the hospital once to check it out, and the doctor said that it was "intestinal lymphadenopathy" that you can eat probiotics, but don't eat cold things.

3, in the process of raising her, because I did not understand at first, I began to drink cold yogurt, milk, etc. for my eldest daughter when I was more than seven months old, resulting in her spleen and stomach being bad, and her size and weight were lower and shorter than her peers.

So I felt like it was hard for me to let go and let her eat ice cream.

I replied to Circle 1: Maybe we ignored the child, I think the child is a trustworthy person. If it were me, I wouldn't be too restrictive, and I'm sure children won't eat recklessly because they don't have limits. Also, if it really affects her body, I might let her experience the natural consequences.

Circle Friend No. 1 Replied to me: 1, in my opinion, "restriction" itself is not a problem, at the age of six, it is necessary to establish some rules about snacking. The main thing is that when I rejected her that morning, I ignored her feelings, only dealt with my own worries, and broke the link with her, which I think is the key.

2, there is also about the economic ability, an ice cream cheap a dollar can be bought, I think as long as it is not to buy an ice cream can not open the pot to the point, parents can afford. In fact, it lies in the acceptance of parents, parents are reluctant to buy from the inside, may be like I am worried that the child's spleen and stomach are affected and do not agree, now think about it I ignored the happiness and happiness that children experience in the process of eating ice cream.

3. I myself do not drink cold water, the physique is cold, my experience is that eating cold will be uncomfortable, so when the child keeps asking me to buy ice cream, it will cause me anxiety, anxiety about getting sick. This is my own problem.

I replied to circle friend No. 1: Seeing your reflection and reflection, I sincerely like and rejoice. Because I feel like you're aware of the point. And after sending the diary, I have been aware and thinking about this matter. Yes, I agree with what you perceive –" The main thing is that I ignored her feelings that morning when I rejected her, dealt with my worries, and broke the link with her. ”

When I give you feedback, I focus on dealing with your inner contradictions and conflicts, ignoring the relationship between you and your children. I need to go back and look at your diary again, combined with your reflections and reflections, and I reflect on it too.

When I posted the series "How to Get Along with Little Kids: Everything Is a Game" at noon today, I also thought about this diary you recorded. I was thinking that if I had done it in a game way, it might have been more effective. However, I couldn't think of any kind of game to deal with. Now that you figure it out, I think you'll find the right solution.

Circle Friend No. 1 Reply to me: Thank you for the teacher's affirmation and encouragement.

In fact, last night, I put down my worries and worries, and adopted the sentence you said: "What ice cream you want to eat, you pick it yourself, pick how much I will pay for you", Eva said: "Mom, I will buy two." ”

Because it was a bit late after the dance class, we decided to buy it today, and I didn't have time to ask her why "one box" became "two". To be sure, my previous approach did prevent children from experiencing ice cream, and I thought that there might be other ways, but I didn't find that if I replaced the "ice cream" thing with "cycling", I would definitely support and the more the merrier.

I replied to Circle 1: You're welcome. Grow together!