"Look at the good things you've done, stupid! Eat again, spend money, and get dirty! After 10 hours of birth, such a fat animal was born! Exactly 10 pounds! Do you know how heavy that weighs? A bag of potatoes, a box of rice, a bucket of oil, plus 1 pound of cream... The result is such a thing! ”
In the small supermarket in the French town, the angry mother is counting down her son in public.
13-year-old Charman, although he looks almost as tall as his mother, still has a childlike caution and confusion on his face. He was pushed aside, dodging the sympathetic glances of strangers and allowing his mother to keep cursing—all because he accidentally spilled a bottle of milk.
This is the plot of the movie "Afternoon with Margaret".
Accepting his mother's ridicule was Charman's daily lesson. Self-contempt and self-deprecation are thus embedded in his bones and blood, branding indelible scars——
- In class, he never reads the article smoothly, and he is always scolded by the teacher for being brainless, and is the object of ridicule by his classmates;
- In the restaurant, when chatting with friends, because of lack of culture, people are always ridiculed;
- When working, the patron plays word games in the contract, pays less, and does not dare to ask for it back;
- In the relationship, when the girlfriend proposes to have a child, she can only bow her head and murmur, I have nothing, what can I give to the child?
With indifference and irony, coupled with the influence of single-parent families, Charman grew up so humblely and spent more than fifty years vulgarly. His soul, however, stayed forever at the age of 13—the kind, sensitive, deeply desired teenager for love.
If you think this movie story is cruel, you're wrong. The reality of dog blood is even more tragic than this! A few days ago, a piece of news was deplorable.
A 13-year-old middle school student in Wuhan was interviewed with his parents for playing cards at school. From the surveillance, I saw that in the classroom corridor where his classmates were flowing endlessly, his mother slapped him and poked his head, and he did not have any resistance. Subsequently, the teenager jumped from the balcony and died.
Every second in the online video makes people look tormented and alarmed. In the last 2 minutes of his life, he kept his head down and was silent, how did the despair and hatred that went deep into the bone marrow helped to ignite the courage to end his life? As a mother, I can't think deeply about my heartache.
<h1>Why do some parents always speak harshly to their children? </h1>
1. To belittle you is to exercise you and prevent the glass heart
I remember when I was a kid, there was an article called "Competition in Summer Camp", which was my nightmare. It is about the gap between middle and Japanese elementary school students when participating in the grassland adventure summer camp. For example, self-care ability, strike resistance, etc.
As soon as this article was launched, it achieved the effect of breaking the earth. It suddenly caused a strong shock in schools, families and society. When the aftershocks reached the level of my home, I personally felt the power of "setbacks".
Practice cooking? A criticism, look at this kitchen full of smoke, waste things, blind tossing;
Help mopping the floor? A criticism, see that the ground is full of water, it is better to drag than not to drag;
In the face of well-designed "frustration exercises", you must not show "mourning". Because, as a result, if you become discouraged and inspirant, it will be more solidified of the fact that "frustration education" is not enough, and then you will become more and more frustrated...
When I became a mother, I finally understood the feeling that "parents love their children and plan for them" is profound. I understand that my parents were also worried that I would become a glass heart. That's why I took great pains to temper this little heart, hoping to refine me into steel as soon as possible.
But they don't know that love and doting are not the same thing.
In childhood, only by getting enough warmth, affirmation and happiness can people grow up to withstand the cold, blows and injuries.
Just like after soaking in a hot spring, even if you walk shirtless in the cold, you don't feel cold, because your body is already warm; but if you let someone who is frozen in the ice store go shirtless, it is tantamount to torture.
Therefore, it is said that the lucky people are cured by childhood in their lifetime; the unfortunate people use their lives to heal childhood.
2. You were born of me, so I have the power to "dispose" of you at will
Some people, who are angry in the company and insulted in society, go home and take their children out of anger.
Looking at the child trembling, he obviously didn't want to come over, but forced by your majesty, he had to rub it over... This absolute control and authority makes you feel refreshed.
Then, grasping for an old thing, or a sesame trifle, the scolding child on the line has forced him to the point of being dumb and self-conscious.
The logic of parents who are only promised and hard at home is that the child is born to me and belongs to "private property", so of course I have the power to "dispose of" it at will.
From a deeper psychological level, scolding the parents of their children is actually an external reflection of their inner dissatisfaction with themselves.
Because he was powerless to resist the outside world, he had to turn his head inwards— a child who was even less resistant than him to vent. On the surface, it is the child who scolds, but in fact, it is the self who is not angry.
Just like Charman's mother, she hates that Charlemagne's father left when he left, abandoning his wife and children, irresponsible; she is also angry that when she was young, she had no ability to identify people and was unladylike. So, she vented this dark fire on little Charman.
3. Ignoring is to make you better progress
The phrase "pride makes people regress", I really heard it from childhood to adulthood. In order not to delay my progress, my mother hardly praised me positively, especially in front of outsiders.
If the results are good and others praise me, my mother always replies, "Well, this child is very stupid, just blind and serious." ”
The real impact of this kind of pre-repression + post-repression evaluation on me is that I always have no confidence in myself.
When people praise me for being beautiful, I say: Oh, the teeth are actually reshaped...
When leaders praise me for my ability, I say: Well, this is all I should do...
During the interview, I am most afraid of encountering the interviewer asking: "What is the one thing you are most proud of?" "Because whenever that happens, my mind goes blank and buzzes.
When I thought about it, I had lived this age, and I actually didn't have any achievements. That frustration will be like a mountain, pressed against the heart.
Charlemagne's mother, in fact, loves him - she will stand up to protect Charman when outsiders slap him; she will also work day and night to save money, buy real estate, and make plans for Charman's future livelihood; and even keep Charman's umbilical cord when he was born as a souvenir...
However, in the face of the living Charman, she has never been treated with good words, always habitually hitting and ignoring it for many years.
She did not know that the affirmation from her parents in childhood would make her feel that she was recognized. And this sense of security brought by being recognized makes people more confident and more courageous to face setbacks in life.
<h1>What did Margaret do right? </h1>
1. Sheltering a child's soul is more important than planning his future
Your child, not your child. They came into this world through you, but they didn't come because of you.
You can give them love, but you can't give them thoughts, because they have their own thoughts;
You can shelter their bodies, but you can't shelter their souls, because their souls belong to tomorrow, to tomorrow that you can't achieve in your dreams.
— Gibran
His mother gave Life to Charman, and Margaret gave him a soul. In the face of the same situation, the attitudes of the two women are very different.
For example, everyday conversations
Mom: Don't stare at me with those dead fish eyes, get me out!
Charman: ...
Mom: You idiot, you idiot!
Margaret: We finished reading The Plague in ten days.
Charman: Oh no, you read it.
Margaret: Don't say that, you're a very good reader. Because reading is also listening... As long as people listen carefully, they will want to learn more.
Charman: It's as addictive as drug use... I haven't taken drugs or read books.
Margaret: This book is for you. I can also mark out my favorite paragraphs, do I need to?
Charman: You looked at me with kind eyes and asked me if I needed help... In such a situation, who else can refuse?
Another example is Charman's visit
Charman clutched a bag of fresh fruit and went to see his mother.
She was busy with herself, didn't even look at him, and threw a sentence: Did you rub the soles of your shoes before entering the door? Why are you holding my letter in your hand? Ah, this is my pension, are you going to steal them? Big fool, get me out!
Charlemagne visits Margaret with flowers.
As soon as she opened the door, she sighed in surprise: "Thank you for sending me flowers, and you planted them yourself." Then with a beautiful vase, the flowers were arranged and laid out, and then I went to the kitchen to make tea and entertain Charlemagne.
In the past, Charlemagne said 15 words in a sentence, and 12 were dirty words. He originally thought that in this life, he could only be a rough man with a big waist and no culture.
Who would have expected that after meeting 95-year-old Margaret, she used trust and encouragement to revive Charman's heart that had been dormant for more than fifty years - the 13-year-old who loved life and longed to learn came back to life.
Therefore, what impresses children and brings them courage will never be the "far-reaching plan" of parents, but the trust and affirmation full of respect.
2. In the face of malice, do not hurt yourself, do not hurt people
In the face of malice, Charman's mother, chose to hurt people.
Her brows are furrowed, the corners of her mouth are drooping, her normal speech is like a quarrel, her neck is prominent, her saliva is everywhere, and it seems that she will accumulate a lifetime of anger and pass it on to her son. It seems that this is the only way to relieve her resentment of life and resist the resentment of no sense of existence.
Faced with malice, Charman chose to hurt himself.
He said: "Mom never cared about me, there was nothing between us. To me, she was nothing. The girlfriend is kind and gentle, but he is afraid to start a family and have offspring. Because "I have nothing, nothing to give to the child." ”
What about Margaret?
She has no wife, no children, and her only relatives are nephews. When the niece and daughter-in-law were reluctant to pay for support, she had to move from the original nursing home in the town to the overflowing welfare home in the suburbs.
In the face of human malice, the old lady neither complained about hurting people, nor did she give up life to hurt herself. She can understand the difficulties of her relatives, and she can also be elegantly alone in the crowd, drawing energy and relief from the literary world.
When she learned that Charman was not a happy childhood, she said to him with a gentle and firm look in her eyes: "If a person did not get enough love in childhood, everything is still waiting to be discovered by him, isn't it?" ”
No complaining, no resentment.
Sounds simple, but it's not easy to really do. Because optimism comes from wisdom, and elegance comes from tolerance.
In the face of negative information, if the mother can draw positive energy from it, correctly "translate" the child to understand, and resolve the harm they bring, then there will be fewer Tragedies like Wuhan teenagers in this world.
<h1>Write at the end</h1>
"You scold the child, he will not stop loving you, but he will give up loving himself." 」 I take this sentence seriously.
In the face of public insults and humiliation from their biological parents, children lack self-protection mechanisms. They don't dare, they won't return their mouths, they can only digest alone. Especially, adolescent children. Their world is black and white, living in one breath. Hate, there is a strong heart.
They hate to become what they hate the most, but they also understand that they can't escape the fate of growing up. So, angrily wanting to swing his fist at everything, he didn't know who to hit, nor did he dare to declare war on the whole world. In the end, the only thing that can be done is to exile yourself...
Not everyone, as lucky as Charlemagne, met Margaret; but we could have worked hard to make ourselves like Margaret.
May the children of the world be treated with tenderness in every growing afternoon.
About this article
Author:RubyWuu. A simplified person with a complex life, a depressing person who lives a bitter life. Monopolize all kinds of unhappiness. May the code word be a thousand words, and Jun Chang smile. Deep ploughing headline number Ruby Wuu.
Code words are not easy, please respect the original. If reprinted, be sure to indicate the source and author. Pinch the head and tail of all kinds of unrefined reprints, the author will report and protect rights according to law, please know in advance. Picture from the network, if there is infringement please contact to delete ***