Ai Zhe Press:
The story has two protagonists, both married women working in Beijing, both of whom grew up in harmonious families of origin and are both well educated; the only difference is that one of them chooses not to have children and the other has children.
On the topic of "having children or not having children", we know that there are too many external pressures that affect our choices – traditional ideas, elder pressures, economic conditions, and even physiological problems.
The reason why we made this story is that we hope that you will leave the interference of external factors as much as possible and restore a rational and responsible discussion. Because in the future, after all the external pressures dissipate, only you can bear the original choice.
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@ Don't love tooth extraction
35 years old, academic publishing industry, Dink, eight years married
A lot of people wonder why I haven't had kids after so many years of marriage. But frankly, for me personally, "not having children" is not a position or a choice for me at all.
It is so, when we go deep into why a person does not have children, the subconscious actually presupposes a premise - in a "normal" life, a person should have children, as if "not having children" is a sudden state of this normal life.
But for me, it's not a "normal" mutation, it's the way it should be. From childhood to adulthood, everyone will have a plan for their future. In my planning, I imagined what kind of work I would do, what kind of partner I would look for, but I never imagined that I would become a mother.
For me, life is supposed to be the way it should be.
For me, life is inherently childless.
Of course, if we must be caused by goso, analyze and analyze what considerations I have for not wanting children, it is not without room for analysis.
First of all, I don't like children.
We all have to admit one thing: having children and raising children are things that can cause endless troubles to people. And if you don't like children at all, that means you can't enjoy the process of spending time with them, and you can't get any emotional satisfaction, so is the trouble you suffer worth it?
Everyone who knows me knows I don't like kids. But the reason why I can't get along with my children is not because I have any terrible shadow of getting along with bear children, it is simply due to personality.
I am a very rational person, big and small things, I like to plan, I don't like to have uncontrollable factors in life, and I don't like to get along with people who can't communicate rationally.
A long time ago, one of my ex-boyfriends asked me about this, and he said that when you were with me, you were very tolerant, even very motherly, so why are you so resistant to being a mother?
I said, because you're an adult, you're rational and communicative, and I don't mind being tolerant of you taking care of you on that premise; but if I'm dealing with an unreasonable child, I'm afraid I'm overwhelmed.
This brings us to the second point. Fortunately, my husband shares my views on this issue.
He is a science and engineering man, I met him when I was a graduate student at Peking University, and I got married after graduation. Before getting married, he had said that he was not taking a clear stand and would never want children, but that he never thought he would have children.
We've been married for eight years now and have never bothered about it. The two are usually busy at work, and the time spent together is only on weekends, so they go shopping, cook, exercise, and watch movies, which is almost an infinite extension of the love mode.
Parents on both sides of us have no problem with this state. Sometimes when I go back to my hometown in the New Year, it is inevitable that some relatives will talk a lot and talk about the problem that we do not have children, and my mother will help me go back with a straight face.
Speaking of my mom, I think of a third consideration about not having children.
My mom was a perfect mother, and she had infinite tolerance and patience with me. I know very well that if I really want to be a mother, I will never be able to do what he did, unconditionally for a child.
Instead, there's a good chance I'll be a parent like my dad. I will be like him, have expectations for my children, have requirements, and will like that he can grow up to be what I expect. If I couldn't, there was certainly no way for me to hide my disappointment.
In fact, in my early twenties, my mother also advised me that you may want children in the future when you reach childbearing age. But after so many years, my thoughts have not changed, but my mother still supports me, just reminding me that since I have chosen, I should not regret it.
I know what she means by "don't regret it", and many people have asked me, as well as those who chose Dink like me: Will Dink regret it in his old age?
My thoughts on this subject are like what my mom taught me: Since you have chosen a way of life, don't regret it. Since I chose not to have children, I chose to have a more comfortable life when I was younger, and in my old age, I had to bear the consequences of not having anyone to take care of.
I didn't want to live a long life. If one day, I can't take care of myself, I lose the quality of life, then forget it.
■ Illustration | Heather Bradley
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@Le Le Mama
29 years old, company employee, married, daughter of one year and five months
In fact, it is quite wonderful to look back on it now, in my memory, I never seem to think that I may not get married in the future, may not have children.
Even before I had a boyfriend, I fantasized that I would have two children in the future, so that they could play and make trouble from an early age, and in the future they would spit on their parents together, and when they were older, they would spit on their children together.
I got married in early 2016. At that time, including when we were in love, my husband and I did not plan to have children so soon, after all, both sides were very busy.
However, during that time, several of my friends around me had "fetal arrest" for no reason after they became pregnant. They all deduced that this may be related to the current bad environment and the pressure of work.
This makes me feel panic - what if I don't have a baby now, miss this point in time, and can't have children in the future? So I planned my fertility ahead of schedule and soon became pregnant.
In fact, in the process of pregnancy, including more than a year of childbirth, I have an experience: "maternal love", or "motherhood" may not necessarily be a natural instinct of women.
No feelings between two people happen out of thin air, and so does mother and son. Women often fall in love with her children in the process of raising children, interacting with them, and paying for them, and thus truly become a mother.
Throughout my pregnancy, I rarely experienced the feeling of "overflowing happiness" and "a warm current" that people portray in books, including the days of giving birth to a child.
I really felt that way when I was recuperating my body and picking her up for the first time a week after the baby was born.
Before I became a mother, I always thought that holding a child was a natural thing, but in that moment, I realized what a wonderful experience it was to hold a newborn baby. You know, the newborn baby has no strength to support it, and when you hold her, you need to carefully support every part of her body, but you can't hold it too tightly.
Once, I was holding him in front of the mirror, looking at the two faces in the mirror, one big and one small, and I suddenly felt a strong blood relationship between us. She laughed like me, not like his dad. And in that moment, she was smiling happily, her mouth grinning widely. I literally blurted out, dramatically: Ah, you are my daughter!
In fact, in the past five months of this year, there have been many troubles brought about by raising children. I was busy at work, basically 95% of my free time was occupied by my daughter, and I almost completely lost my life. But every time there is a warm moment like that, seeing my daughter laughing, hearing my daughter call her mother, coming home from work and seeing her stumble over to me, I will feel that everything is worth it.
Frankly, before having children, I often worry about whether I will be a mother with a lot of problems. I was worried that I wasn't patient and that I had a bad temper, but now it seems that I am acting a little better than I expected.
I found that I almost never got angry with my kids, and no matter what happened, I didn't seem to be angry. This surprised me, knowing that all along, if I had to explain something to someone more than three times, I would absolutely blow up. But in front of the child, I have become so peaceful, never showing a disgusted expression, it is really incredible.
I don't have any great expectations for her future, I just hope that she will go to a good school in the future and come out to be a normal person.
Remember when I was doing a maternity check-up in the hospital, there was a psychology course that would allow expectant mothers to make a psychological sandbox and choose some from a large number of dolls to put together to express your expectations for your future children.
I saw that other moms chose villas, beaches, and the like, while I chose a cherry ball and a white horse.
I said, I want my child to be a person with the ability to make himself happy in the future.
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Today's two narrators, whether @don't love tooth extraction or @Lele mom, they all start from their own perspective, weigh the pros and cons, and make the choice of having children or not having children.
In fact, whether you have children or not, the purpose is to live happily, as long as you make a choice and bear the results of this choice.