In the past two days, I have seen a regrettable news on the Internet.
A 14-year-old boy, Xiao Lu, committed suicide by swallowing pesticides at home, and although his family sent him to the hospital in time for rescue, he eventually died of respiratory failure.
14-year-old children, the age of flowers and bones, why can't they think so much?
It turned out that on the day of the incident, Xiao Lu's father received a message from the teacher, saying that Xiao Lu bullied his classmates at school and asked him to communicate at the school, which is what we usually call "seeing parents".
Xiao Lu's father did not have time to go at that time, so he agreed with the teacher to meet in a few days.
In the afternoon, when Xiao Lu came home from school, he looked depressed.
Xiao Lu's father remembered the teacher's WeChat and communicated with his son, but Xiao Lu insisted that he was not wrong and ran out alone.
When the family found him, he had already drunk half a bottle of enemy grass fast (on paragon) and was dying.
After Xiao Lu's death, the family went to school to ask for an explanation, they believed that Xiao Lu was bullied in school to think of it, and the school side believed that Xiao Lu's death had nothing to do with school bullying.
What is right and wrong is still under investigation, and it is difficult for us to judge.
However, in this tragedy, one thing that can be seen is that Xiao Lu's parents really care too little and too little about Xiao Lu.
Xiao Lu's parents have been working in other places for a long time, and Xiao Lu has lived with his grandparents since he was a child. 5 years ago, after Xiao Lu's parents divorced, he spent less time with his parents.
Little Lu's father also said:
"I have been working in other places for a long time, and I care less about my children, and after going to school these days to understand the situation, I found that he has been bullied by students in school for a long time."
When a child does not get sufficient companionship from his parents from an early age, it is easy to become anxious, autistic, and insecure in his growth process.
Psychologist Lin Wencai believes that "children whose psychological nutrition has not been satisfied are looking for it all their lives. ”
A childhood without the company and love of parents will leave a deep scar on the child's life.
They are helpless, confused, have nowhere to tell their pain, and are far more vulnerable than normally grown children.
02
Whether it's happy or not
I wouldn't tell my parents
Some time ago, a friend who was a teacher said something to me.
There was a girl in her next class who brought a small doll with a fist to the school, only to take a nap and disappear.
I searched around and finally found it in a box where the boy put the book, but the boy denied that he had taken it.
Because this boy usually has bad grades and makes trouble all day, the class teacher of the class did not check the monitoring, preconceived that it was the boy's fault, called the boy to the office to do ideological education, saw the boy "hard mouth", and directly called the parents.
As soon as the boy's father entered the office, he slapped his son on the spot, scolding himself for how he had given birth to a son who stole things, who taught him, and the sound was so loud that the whole building could hear it.
The boy covered his face, his eyes were red, but he still insisted, "I didn't do it!" ”
Friends, these onlookers felt that something was not right, suggested checking the monitoring, only to find that it was another girl who took the doll and then threw it into the boy's box.
The truth came out, the class teacher embarrassedly apologized to the boys and parents, and the boy's father did not say anything and left the school directly.
The boy chased after his father's back and asked loudly, "Why can't you believe me a little!" ”
Friends said that she really felt sorry for the boy, this feeling of not being trusted by her parents, she had a similar experience, and she could feel empathy, as if the whole world had no place for herself.
Whenever a vicious incident occurs, there will always be parents who wonder, although they can't accompany their children at all times for various reasons, but the children are bullied, they can still tell them, why don't they say anything?
All this is often because of the parents' approach, so that children feel that they are not trusted, so children are not willing to share with their parents.
"Strange Story" once had a title: "If you are not happy outside, will you tell your parents?" ”
Most netizens will not say, but grit their teeth and hold on, because when they say it, their parents will also think "this is nothing".
Children who are not supported by their parents are seriously insecure, and when they grow up and encounter difficulties, they will collapse more easily than ordinary people.
And the guest Gao Qiuzi, as opposed to most people:
"Whether I'm happy or not, I'll tell my parents because no matter what happens, they'll catch me."
This is a happy child who grew up with love and trust.
Such a child always believes that someone will support him, no matter what difficulties he encounters, he is not alone, so he has greater courage to face all challenges.
In "The Story of McDougle", Mai Tai said a particularly moving sentence to Mai Du: "People all over the world do not love you, I only love you; people all over the world do not believe in you, I only believe in you." ”
If we want our children to grow up happily, we must first give them unconditional love, trust and support.
03
Even if you are against the whole world
Mom and Dad must also be standing by your side
In the movie "Bottom Hot Girls", the heroine Sayega has poor academic performance and is also stained with bad habits.
But such a "bad girl" was finally admitted to a prestigious school, why?
Because she has a good mom who gives her love, trust and support.
Sayaga said that she was going to enter a prestigious school, and all her classmates and teachers laughed at her, while her mother fully supported her to make up classes and worked part-time for this.
Because she had to make up classes at night, Sayaga couldn't stay up and slept in class, the teacher blamed her, and the mother believed that her daughter did not mean it.
In this movie, the most touching thing is what the mother said to the teacher:
"I was scolded by my mother, I felt that I was an incompetent person, and many possibilities were limited to living. So I want the children to do something happy, no matter what the people around me say, even if they are enemies of the whole world, I will definitely be next to her. ”
The unconditional support and trust of parents is the greatest confidence of children.
The child is like a seed, this seed has its own vitality, but it also needs enough psychological nutrition to take root and grow better.
If the child's psychological nutrition is insufficient, there are mainly the following three manifestations:
1. Emotional instability, such as irritability and tantrums;
2, poor interpersonal relationships, such as not loving to talk to parents, friends;
3. There are behavioral deviations, such as suicide, self-harm, etc.
Xiao Lu at the beginning of the article is a typical example of psychological undernutrition; Sayega is a child who is nourished by sufficient psychological nutrition.
Professor Li Meijin once said: "When children are still young, (parents) must bring their own." ”
The younger the child, the more important the company of the parents.
When a child has enough psychological nutrition to nourish his life, then his life force will naturally bloom, and he will have enough strength to pursue everything he wants.
04
When the child is young
Parents must bring it personally
How do we give our children enough psychological nutrition?
When a child is 0-3 months old, what he needs is unconditional acceptance, and he needs his parents to see him as NO.1 in life.
Simply put, it is
When the child is hungry, he must give food in time;
When it is cold, you must dress in time;
Pull the poop, you have to change the diaper in time...
At this time, children need the meticulous care of their parents.
From 4 months onwards, the child will enter a new stage, want to be separated, independent, and need a sense of security at this time.
The sense of security comes from the stable relationship between mom and dad.
There are conflicts, there are quarrels, it is best not to appear in front of the child.
If there is a quarrel in front of the child, let the child realize that the parents have the ability to solve the problem.
Otherwise, the child will remember the conflict and try to restore everything to normal, but they do not have this ability, so they will become anxious, helpless, and insecure.
Therefore, parental love is the best tutor.
Children aged 4-5 begin to have a sense of "me", at this time they need the affirmation, praise and approval of their parents.
Children of this age are generally very lively and full of desire to explore the world. They may do ridiculous things like digging up dirt and catching bugs, but it's also a way for them to understand the world.
At this time, parents should not blame their children for "how to get so dirty."
On the contrary, we should give positive affirmations.
For example, when a child plays the piano, he praises him for sounding pleasant;
When the child did the housework at home, he praised him for folding his clothes well and dragging the ground clean...
Children aged 6-7 need learning, cognition and modelling.
This is also a good time to teach by example, and if you want your child to become a person, just show him.
If you want your child to fall in love with reading, read next to him;
If you want your child to learn calligraphy, write it for him yourself.
Gilbert, a Harvard psychologist, said: "Ten years later, you won't regret doing one less project, but you will regret not spending an extra hour with your child." ”
The growth of children is like a live broadcast, there are new plots every day, and if you miss it, you will not have the opportunity to watch it again.
Children need different psychological nutrition at different stages.
What parents should do is to give adequate psychological nutrition.
If not satisfied, the child will seek out that missing psychological nourishment for the rest of his life.
If you can't give your child psychological nutrition from the beginning, start now.
As long as you realize, it's never too late to start at any time.