Parents' Church (askjane)
Recently, there have been several "letters of renunciation" of primary school students: the friendship of children is also made of "plastic", and the boat of friendship is turned over! The content is too cute, some of which are also handprinted, and they are angry and funny! ▼
"If I get married, don't come, and I won't attend your funeral!"
"Let's break off our friendship!" What love and hope, pull it down! ”
"xxx and xxx are not friends here!"
If your child has a conflict with his classmates at school, will you intervene as a parent?
The variety show "Director Please Advise" recently ushered in the closing exhibition, and in the short film work "Borrowing Light" directed by Degna, it tells about this common problem in family education.
01
If you are the parent of your child
What would you do
A Kochi couple played by Qi Xi and Yu Xiaowei learned that their son Liang Zichen had been beaten at school and came to the other's home to ask for an apology. Neither the beating classmate nor his parents were at home, and only Grandpa (Li Chengru) received them at home.
The couple asked his grandson to apologize to Liang Zichen in front of the whole class, the film did not shoot Liang Zichen's injury head-on, it is said that there is a slight scratch on the face, from the description and state of his parents, it is not serious, but the couple's strong attitude must be the other party to come up with an attitude:
"The thing on the face is not a small thing, and hitting someone is not a punch in the face."
"We can go through the legal process to sue you,"
"I've been having insomnia for days!"
Grandpa's attitude and the couple formed a huge contrast, hearing Liang Zichen's parents ask for an apology, he very flatly believed that the child's affairs should be solved by themselves:
"Let the children's affairs be solved by themselves, and we adults are blindly mixing with something!"
"If the child is not naughty, it is good not to demolish the house."
"How big a deal, still bombarded with a shell?" Eat, eat and talk. ”
According to the logic of Liang Zichen's parents, if this beating child does not care about teaching, if it continues to develop like this, the future will be a potential social hazard.
Moreover, when Liang Zichen was beaten, the whole class looked at it and must ask Grandpa's grandson to apologize in front of the whole class, otherwise Liang Zichen would have psychological obstacles and his self-esteem would be gone:
"We are a boy, beaten up in public, you are so black and white do not mention, then he will grow up will reduce his self-esteem, affect his behavior, will produce psychological disorders." 」 Most of the night he fell asleep, and he sat up at that moment, and there must be something in his heart that he can't get over..."
The two sides argued for several rounds, still holding their own opinions, and when they were emotional, the husband started to punch grandpa...
As for why the two children clashed? It's not a big deal at all. ▼
The school seats were moved once a week, the other 7 students by the window were changed, and it was not easy for the grandson of the grandfather's family to sit in the window seat, but Liang Zichen occupied the seat by the window and refused to change, and the two of them hit together. In one theory, the final request for an apology was gone. (The short film "Borrowing Light" has another meaning of "high-rise buildings blocking the light", interested readers can go to search for it!) ）
Some people believe that it is not easy for parents to intervene in children's conflicts, and once parents intervene, it is easy to protect their children and make the problem more complicated:
Originally, there was not much of a problem between children, and as soon as adults intervened in things, they became bigger.
It is better for parents not to intervene, to fight at the same level, parents intervene is a dimensionality reduction strike.
Children's friendships are different from the way adults get along, and things between children are left to their own.
There are also those who think that it is wrong to intervene and tell children that it is wrong to fight:
What would you do if you were the parent of your child?
02
Parents who intervene in conflicts between children
In the end, they all fought
In real life, when many families deal with the contradictions between children and other children, adults will have extreme behavior.
For example, in a marine stadium in Sichuan, two children quarreled when they played, and the parents of the two sides quarreled, and then fought together, and the scene was chaotic and fierce: ▼
Shanghai's "021 Video" also exposed a news: the fathers of two primary school students, because of the small friction between the two children at school, "put harsh words and fights" in the parent group, beating their heads and bleeding.
The cause of the incident was that two 3rd grade boys "kicked their butts" and "stumbled" when they were doing exercises at school, and the relationship between the two had a slight awkwardness, but they did not expect to quickly become a verbal altercation between the parents of both sides and "fight".
On the morning of the clash, two dads really fought on the spot, and one of the dads was hit in the head by a U-lock and was subsequently taken to the hospital for treatment. The police and the Education Bureau intervened, and the school psychology teacher also talked to the two boys in time to guide them correctly.
Things also took a turn for the worse, and according to the head teacher, the two boys had reconciled before the parents clashed. When the two fathers fight, their children play hand in hand!
The children are lively and active, playing with each other, causing a little friction that often occurs. I have just had a fight, my tears have dried up, and I can play intimately together.
There is no overnight feud between children, and it can also be said that they do not fight or do not know each other. The child is the subject and responsible for the peer conflict, and the parent does not need to be the resolver of this problem on behalf of the child.
Every child is very intelligent, when they encounter problems, they will actively find ways, when there is a contradiction between children, parents should give children a chance to solve problems on their own. (If the situation is extremely bad, you should immediately stop it)
Children are in conflict, and the most important thing to calm down is the parents of both sides. If the parents are eager to interfere, do not understand the ins and outs of the matter, coupled with the calf protection mentality to find each other's theory on the gas head, it may also make themselves fall into the emotional vortex and clash with the other parents.
03
The help your child really needs
What is it?
Not advocating parents to intervene and hand over ordinary contradictions to children to try to solve them does not mean that parents can completely sit idly by.
In the book "Holistic Parenting", it is mentioned that parents should remember that the general principle of helping children cope with social problems is that parents should serve as a safe base for their children.
When there is a conflict between children, how should parents correctly "intervene"?
First of all, determine whether this is a "normal conflict" between children or a bad behavior that needs to be stopped in time.
Pay attention to the behavior that occurs between children, whether it is about to provoke serious bad behavior (such as verbal abuse or dangerous aggressive behavior), and if so, stop it in time;
If bad behavior has occurred between children, it is even more important to evaluate the right and wrong in the contradiction from a fair and just perspective, rather than like the couple in "Borrowing the Light", after seeing their children injured, they immediately believe that their children are "bullied" and rush directly to each other's homes to theorize.
Secondly, what role can parents play in their children's conflicts? An observer, listener and supporter of conflict resolution.
Observe rather than disturb, listen rather than ignore, support rather than interfere. Understand the beginning and end of the matter, and do not rush to the front to persuade or solve the problem on behalf of the child.
Finally, communicate with the child, listen to their feelings, understand and accept the child's emotions, and give the child enough security.
By empathizing with the child and encouraging the child to express his negative emotions, you can say to the child like this: ▼
"It seems sad to see you, can you tell me what happened?"
"I understand your feelings very well, but you believe we can solve it together."
"I'm sure you can handle this."
After the child expresses his emotions, accept them, do not immediately criticize right and wrong, do not rush to impose his own ideas on the child, and wait for the child's emotions to ease, and then talk with the child about how to deal with this time, or how to do the same thing next time.
Each solution is an opportunity for children to grow and learn.
Do not break the rules of the child's getting along, do not face the contradictions between the children, give the child the space for self-processing, guide the child at the appropriate time, and be the safe base of the TA, this is not "chaotic".
Pay attention to the video number of old Xue's whole brain early education
Askjane integrates Chinese and Western, gathers elite parents at home and abroad, and broadens the horizon of international education.